You Made Me Do This

You made me do this.

I'm mad. Mad as hell. Mad than you can ever imagine. Not so because you think quitting Kolej and transferring back to your old school is a good idea. It's a horrible idea by the way. But because you lied and disrespected your father and me.

The reason why you transfered here was because Umi think that studying here will make you a better person academically and personality-wise. Kolej Sultan Abdul Hamid is a state elite school and you studying there will make you study, have memorable activities and make lasting friends. It is also a boarding school so you will learn to discipline yourself. Getting you into the school wasn't as easy as you think. Your grades are not enough to make you eligible so bapak pulled every stops there was to get you in. He relied on favours of higher-ups to get you in. He does this not because he wants to live with you (it's a boarding school anyway) but because he thinks Kolej will increase your chances of being successful in life. I don't think you realize the amount of selfless sacrifice he commited to get you into his old school. Dr. Mahathir's school. Tunku Abdul Rahman's school. It's THAT good of a school.

And you're telling me that you want to transfer back to Sabah because you can't cope? And even if the latter is true, you should have consulted with your teachers or bapak. You can talk to me. The pressure of being in a new school is rivetting, you should know. You've been to four schools yourself. You may already know this. I may have rub this is one too many times but it seems that I have to repeat myself:

I know.

I know. I just do. You don't have to pretend to not know that I know. Because by doing so, it really doesn't change a thing. Because I know.

Dunia ini besar Hadi. You may think you're priviledged back home. But the real world, it's different. It's not as easy as you think. Good grades doesn't cut it. You have not excelled academically, accept this as a fact, not a challenge. Going to kolej did you good and will continue to make you improve in your studies and build your character along the way. It's tough, I know. People around you are way smarter and more priviledged than you, I know. So what lah? You don't shy away from your problems. You confront them head on.

Going back to SMK Tebobon will not do you any good. Bapak is not trying to 'convert' you. Bapak's family is not trying to 'convert' you. We are all trying to help you. Because we love you. I know you love Umi. I love her too lah. She's my mother. But you have start making your own decisions because apparently, she's not in a good state to make good decisions. Don't let her pride and prejudice jeopardize your future. She has problems, I know. But unless you haven't noticed, we all have problems. We solve them by understanding the nature of the problems and solve them by the best solutions. We do not blame our state of being on other people. We do not live vengeful lives. We make peace. We consider. We let go. We find happiness.

So now I'm giving you two options. Yes apparently believe it or not, I have enough authority to let you have limited options. You can either continue your education at Kolej or transfer back to Sabah. If you're thinking of finishing your last term here and then go back to Sabah, think again. That will not happen. There is no third option. I will not allow such a thing to happen under any circumstance.

Don't do what I did. Don't give in to her sense of convenience. Because if you do, not only will you be accountable of your actions, you will also have her think you're accountable for your actions. It happened to me. Don't let it happen to you. Don't repeat my mistakes. Trust me, you do not want to go through what I went through. Do not let words like Derhaka hinder you from making sensible decisions.

Just... be a man. Be a man and own up to the word. Have a sense of integrity for God's sake. Be a man and stop lying. Be a man and stop lying to yourself. Be a man and make your own mistakes. Be a man and do not live your life under the shadow of other people's mistakes.

Dead or alive, my sense of dead-logic will be engraved to the back of your mind. You may have the chance of shying away from your problems but believe me, those problems will catch up to you, with a vengeance.

How I hate drama. I hate dysfunctional families. I hate divorce. Eeesh, the thought of pride having so much power as to affect other people's lives is despicable. I hate self-justification. I hate Hate. There's nothing wrong with hating Hate of course but there are better ways to address hate and loving is one of them.