I was a very well-behaved boy who didn't have the chance to be a kid because being a kid was considered lupa diri. Hahah. Imagine telling an 7 year old they are lupa diri when they meet his/her cousins to play outside the house. Hahah. I was even pinched every time I did something childish when I was a child. Imagine that, restricting a child to be childish. Can you blame me now if I run around the corridor or ride my bicycle on the fourth floor early in the morning or sleep on a football field when it is raining heavily or take long walks from Gombak to Ampang to hilangkan tension?
Maybe it was because of my parents' high expectations, okay maybe my mom's. Sure she didn't have to tell me so but she implied it, in a good motherly way of course. I was schooled in a Tahfiz Pondok school and was later put into two private schools. Dang, thinking about it, she put a lot of effort in raising me to be a 'perfect' adult. I know she's frustrated of me now. I know she still think of me as an ungrateful child who broke her heart to pieces. I know she think I'm not doing well academically as I ought to, given my past success with government exams. I know how she feels about me and how she thinks I feel about her but I'm here to clarified what I really feel.
I feel free.
Not because I am no longer talking to her but in her absence I finally, finally live as myself. I want to be successful because I want to. I want to be good to my friends because I want to. I want to be a good muslim because I want to. I feel exhilarated to know that I found my own voice and I can actually use it, not to make my parents proud but to make me find my calling, to get closer to my passion, to get closer to God.
Yes I was suicidal. I guess it's genetic. My dad and all my aunts and uncles were suicidal at some point in their lives. I remembered wanting to jump off from my bedroom window. My mom shouted "Lompat lah!" I didn't want to give her the satisfaction so I didn't. Thank god for that : D
She taught me a lot about life. She taught me that impossible is nothing long before Adidas came out with that slogan. She taught me that the only way to achieve success is through hardwork and discipline. In short, she basically set a foundation for my future and no matter how I insisted when I was a teenager, her advice will eventually haunt me a few months(or years) later.
I now understand how hard it is for her to let me go. She never wanted to let me go. I sort of... escaped. I now understood her emotional blackmailing and imposed guilt trip. I'm glad I understood things like this now than much later or else it would be to late for her to know that I am forever thankful for her guidance. But it is time to let me go. It is time to watch me fall and get up again without having to lift me up herself. I know I hurt her a lot. But I like to think that she needs an excuse to hate me to let me go. (See, I am not as impulsive as everybody thinks I am. I craft my impulsiveness most carefully and set a pattern of foolish actions to achieve an unlikely negative circumstance that will somehow bring more good than a collective positive episodes can ever do.)
The fact of the matter is, I am forever thankful of my mother's sacrifices and I won't repay her in cash, car or credit card but by benefiting others with love and attention she'd showered onto me.
Happy Birthday Umi.