I've received many e-mails by confused muslim guys and had answered their enquiries about being bicurious, homosexual or bisexual but this guy's confession is just so pure and honest that I have to make it public so others may learn about how to confront themselves in unexpected scenarios.
An e-mail by Asd,
assalamualaikum and hello afiq deen. you may not know me (i prefer not to disclose my identity), but i really really wanna share my problems with you if you have the time. pls pls do not close this email yet because i feel that ur the only one who can understand me. just so you know that i am 16(PTS student), malay muslim, and i am waiting for my spm results. and ive been schooling at MRSM these past few years..
ive read several entries on ur blog and i found a few to be quite enlightening.. you see my problem is that im afraid that i may have interest in guys. ive gone to a rough childhood since i come from a broken family. i didnt sort of have any guidance since my father wasnt always there for us.
anyway, as youve stated, as all teenagers behave, im afraid that when my hormones were raging, ive come across the dangerous thoughts of anal sex. i kept surfing the net for porn till i stumble upon gay porn. and i couldnt resist myself. i tried really hard but to no avail. it has always spark interest in me. i was never caught before like u did so nobody actually stopped me from doing it. and as i watched more and more my lust really had control over my body. i was really really sad at times that i felt i didnt deserve to live in this world. because people all around me have such high hopes in me since ive performed excellently in academics.. what if they found out?my whole life would have been destroyed right in front of my very eyes...
living in MRSM didnt help me much either. in the dorm full of boys, my eyes simply couldnt avoid making contact with them..sometimes i would try and fondle them during their sleep...i know.. sick right?but im afraid thats why my lust have really taken control of my mind...sometimes i would even steal their underwear.. and a wave of guilt would simple surge over my whole body..but then one day i got caught in the middle of the night..that guy sort of woke up and i was shocked. really really shocked that i thought i might fainted.. luckily he didnt beat me up but he did call some other people.. and this guy was no guy.. he was one of the otai in the maktab. i was freaking scared that night that i couldnt sleep till the next day.. they said that they have heard rumors about me..and they wanted me to stop..i cried in front of them.. apologizing for the 1000th time.. saying that i couldnt control myself.. they were really close on reporting it to the warden but i begged them not too...u can imagine how frightened i was... i just couldnt face them anymore.. i was embarassed to death i can only pray that they didnt tell anyone else...
after that i sort of got myself back together, i prayed to God over and over again, wishing that he would guide me back to the right path. by the way, i did all of Islam obligations, though not as perfect as the rest, but i never missed solat fardhu before.. and i read the Al-Quran every single day after maghrib...i managed to find calmness in myself as i befriended all those religious people.. but it wasnt long before my old habits came back...
you see, living in asrama, i was considered as a jambu, partly because i was younger than most of them and i was small-sized.. (though i beg to differ).. but anyway, i became really close to this classmate of mine.. he was almost like a brother to me.. we shared problems.. and talk and laugh..he was sort of the abang angkat for me.. and people in the school knows.. because i was with him everywhere we'd go..i studied with him, waited for him to come down to prep.. and stayed up with him.. he even talked about his innermost secrets with me, like about when he had a wet dream (and he is straight for sure)..and my worst nightmare came when i realized that i was obsessed with this guy..i would wait for him to call me (my mrsm permits the students to bring phone to school).. and msg me..and everytime i was with him i felt really safe and secured.. people dare not critizise me anymore because they knew i was close to this guy (he was one of the otai in the school also).. and he would always protect me if somebody was disturbing me..and this guy.. he has a girlfriend.. whom i knew well and i helped him to get her.. and i became really jealous of her when he always hang out with her..i even tried to break them up but of cos it didnt work out..
however, he didnt know about my interests, and thought of me as his lil brother only, not more than that..i was really scared at that moment because SPM was so near..i tried to distance myself from him but i just couldnt.. i was afraid that he will know the truth..and i couldnt risk losing him.. when he was the only one i could talk to..i never talked about my interests because i know how he hates gay people. he once said that these people are laknat Allah.. from that moment onwards i knew i had to get away from him..
i cried for days alone..i just couldnt be friends with anyone else anymore because i was so afraid that they will know the truth..but i mustered up the courage and act like nothings happen.. and along the process in MRSM, ive gained some truly great friends..and the fact that they were so kind to me that i couldnt risk letting people know about me...
but somehow, as ive stated before, i was really excellent in my academics. i got a pointer of 4.00 for 2 semesters (thats quite a tough achievement) and even got best student for certain subjects...all the juniors looked up to me...teachers were all expecting me to get straight A1s for SPM.. i also became champion of a few inter-mrsm competition..
but you know what? i felt that i didnt deserve most of the awards..as ive sinned, and sinned a lot to Allah..i began to think that it is istidraj from Allah s.w.t.. its Allah's way to test His servants who have committed sins by awarding him with nikmat on earth.. i was really scared at that point.. i kept thinking that Allah is giving me another chance.. so i reverted back to the Al-Quran, i tried to find answers...but i just couldnt..more and more awards bombarded me.. but i was never riak of it.. i kept a low profile..but as ive stated before.. i was scared that it was all istidraj from Allah...and im starting to type this in tears..do you have any idea how scared i am??
after i left mrsm..i became more uncontrolled.. because i wasnt watched by my friends.. and living in KL does not help much either..ive comitted a lot of sins right after spm till now.. im really really scared.. that Allah would punish me.. that i would not be successful in my SPM... but alhamdullillah i managed to do my SPM quite okay back then..but i still do not know my results.. He is Almighty.. He can do anything...please.. i really need your help..i dont know what am i going to do now.. everything is a blur.. i do not want to lead my life like this.. i want to go back to the right path...please i beg you, afiq, to help me with me problems.. as i feel that ur the only one who really understands my situation... thank you and assalamualaikum.. pls take your time in replying.. i know ur very busy and i do not want to disturb you...you can just call me N .. may Allah bless you..
Well I can truly relate with your problem because I too was young and jambu and have a weird inclination towards guys (well some guys..)
You may not want to blame it on your childhood but trust me man, part of your problem comes from your parents' divorce. My parents may not approve of this but having no father figure when going through my teenage years were both distressing and depressing. There were times when I surfed gay websites, got caught and had to beg for forgiveness from my mother. Single mothers are often too busy to be sensitive as they should and often result to tough love to compensate the absence of a father figure. By doing so, they are actually implying a certain message "You are suppose to be this or that way so be a man or get out of the house."
Your biggest fear is everybody knowing your sexual orientation. You shouldn't be afraid of the knowledge of people knowing you're gay. Be afraid of God and then be afraid of yourself and what you're capable of. Only by aknowledging your problem will you be able to confront it. Tell yourself "I'm Gay." and progress to "I'm a Muslim" and later "I will become a better Muslim."
The guy crush you experienced is a manifestation of a missing link in your life. It is all to common for people like us to have crush on people that embodies a certain value that fills a void in our hearts. My crush on Haikal was because I had no one with a acute sensitivity to listen to my problems without wanting to solve it like a mechanic. (mothers usually does this) The heart is not a machine. The problem do not have a beginning nor an ending. It evolves or dissolves into something else, be it a positive or a negative manifestation. You didn't have anyone strong to imply a sense of security in your vulnerable years like a proper father so you cling to a friend that embodies such personality. Think to yourself "Do I really need someone to protect me now? Can I protect myself?" If the answer is Yes, find out whether you like him as a loyal friend or because he feeds your ego or inferiority case? If you still can find reasons to be a good friend of his, continue your friendship. If not, let him go and if he still insists to be your friend, hey man, that's a true friend right there.
Real friends are people who accepts your flaws and will help you to manage them. Friends who encourage your habits are traitors who will lead you to your own destruction.
Allah gives you challenges because he still loves you. Do you know those rich buggers who never gives a shit about everyone else and still lead a happy luxurious life? Allah still gives them problems so they can have a chance to reflect and purify their otherwise black life. Allah loves all of us and we can only achieve happiness by making Him happy.
Since you're already out of MRSM, join a club, an affliation or even a sport association so you can be surrounded by activities that will fill the absence of homosexual thoughts. Like I said, problems has no beginning nor ending. When you feel a rush of lust, get hold of yourself and fill the void with fun activities of hobbies. My personal favourite is making gifts and crafts. Find yours. Soon your homoerotic thoughts will still reside in your mind but will serve a certain function. I found out that mine could make me more creative when designing because I appreciate a larger perspective of beauty.
I hope my take on things will help you in discovering and managing yourself. It's not wrong to love men. It's only wrong when you have sex with them. Haven't you heard of guy love? Allah made all of us different in so many ways by throwing in unusual situations and circumstances so we could embrace it and turn it into something positive.