Listening to Close your Eyes by The Chemical Brothers
Explicit of me to write about this. But I have to! I want the future 'me' to ponder upon my mistakes. I want people to learn from my mistakes. I want my brothers to learn from their eldest brother's life mistakes. I want my children to learn from my mistakes.
It was yesterday when I entered a realm of unvisited dreams and chaos. Bashed mercilessly by lecturers, I questioned my hardwork and effort. I questioned my ability to design. I questioned my sanity. So I sat in my room, thinking hard what will come of me. Where does my future lies. Where do I belong to. A swift but foolish decision was made. "I'll treat myself" I told myself infront of my mirror. "I'll punish myself".
A short walk from the college to the bus stop was an unnerving one. My pride and ego came about so relentlessly that my sanity had no choice but to evade my physical form. I was driven by my emotion. A short walk it was.
Getting a taxi was always a difficult task in UIA but that very maghrib, a taxi presented itself readily, readily to transport me into a world never known to me.
"So there you go" I walked on the roadside with a heavy heart and clouded mind. A condition I dreamt about in my dreams. A predictable deja vu. So predictable that I could say out loud that a yellow car is going to pass me by before it really did a minute after the prediction. I simply know what I was going to do.. The real task in hand is how I'm going to do it. Everything went swiftly strange. A short walk to a chinese restaurant, I sat behind an aluminium folding door shop lots usually have. I slumped and felt feverish. It was cold. The sky was mighty red and the air was sickly. An impression of being beside a lori sampah but without the smell, without the sight.
"One carlsberg!" I hissed, practicing my chinese accent to avoid suspicion. I did so many times.
"Thump" A sweating bottle of beer appeared, accompanied by a heavy looking glass mug. I felt the groove of the glass, realizing it's not heavy at all. It's plastic! My left hand wiped the pearls of temperature conduction effects. "Carlsberg.." I was strangely confused. Not by guilt but by subtle persuasion of events. I dazed at the amoi that brought me Satan's pee and she simply said "One more glass ar?" I peeped at the dying dusk. "You have no idea.." Clouds were unusually fluffy and full, suggesting a greener path I could have chosen. "You have no idea..."
I shook and poured the thick substance and gulped it down. Guilt resting below the bottle. Conscience smeared at the darkest pit of my being. There was nothing stopping me. Nothing. I sipped another mouthful. I could see myself drinking from the corner of the shop. Conscience gave me a short visit. It did so and left; and there I was, drinking away. Bottle after bottle after bottle. Smelly old table. Rusty door. Noisy fan. Flickering lights from outside. Dusk's dead. So am I......
Creases of pity and ignorance on the amoi's face when I paid her.
How the crevices of sement blocks annoyed the living hell of me as I walked. Nothing seems to be straight. Not even the night horizon.
Passing cars that buzzed the atmosphere. The speed of each vehicle seems apparent and every movement was in slowmo. I, however was walking in super slowmo. Every movement of limbs were defying great gravity.
Cold and stuffed air. Probably in the taxi.
In my room. Last sight before I dozed off: the monitor's wallpaper of my family eating breakfast together at Karambunai Resort in Sabah. My whole body was numb then. I touched my cheeks but only felt chubby pieces of meat. I rubbed my shoulders and it felt as if I was strangling a metal cloth hanger. I look my self at my empty ngage lcd (out of battery) and saw myself crying. A boy. A small boy of five crying. I could not feel it, the tears. I nodded, realizing that I was crying. My tears dampening my corderoy pants, teardrop after teardrop. A sight I would definitely be embarassed of, a public impression of me soaking my pants. I closed my eyes. And that's it.
The aftermath was unexplainable..
Not the thing I could describe in words.