Like every year for the past decade, my birthday yesterday was a downer. I love birthdays but I've always hated my own.
I have very high expectations. I also have a tendency to act out by shutting down all forms of communication with anyone. It is also known as Merajuk.
Better merajuk than doing anything dangerous or damaging. I don't usually get what I want because I want a lot of things. It's just who I am. I am ambitious, a trait I inherit from my mother. I am also very emotional, which I got from Bapak.
These two traits are deadly if not fiery combinations. It spells DESIRE.
Not getting what I want is necessary to get me motivated to work hard. It's how I get the world to respond to my needs. It responded by providing an illusion of scarcity. I responded to this by putting more fuel into my engine.
In a way, I asked for it.
So, there's actually no need to merajuk because this feeling, this feeling of abandonment and betrayal should be kept inside so it can become coals for many winters ahead.
Although I reasoned with myself with this but my balmy heart tells me to act otherwise. Because It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To! -Lesley Gore.