Michael Jackson Died a Muslim...

But they don't want you to know that.

MJ was sadly mistaken about muslim attire and wore a full length robe with burqa (god bless his confused soul)

The moment I heard Michael Jackson died, I was glued to the television for updates. I watched Jermaine Jackson's speech Live on CNN. After Jermaine Jackson gave his official statement of his little brother's death, he ended his heart wrenching speech with "May Allah be with you Michael, always."

But when I watch other updates on CNN, Channel E and MTV the following day, the "May Allah be with you Michael, always" part was cut out from Jermaine's speech.

I was later informed that only the Live edition didn't cut out the sentence but when the public statement was aired after the day of Michael's death, the sentence was cut off to shorten Jermaine's speech.

Imagine what would happen when television channels in Muslim countries censor out "May Jesus Christ be with him" when a christian pop star dies:

1. Western media will pressure these countries to have more 'freedom of speech'.
2. Catholic and Christian churches will sign petitions to these countries to allow public broadcast of the words Jesus and Christ.
3. Hardcore evangelists will organise peaceful demonstrations to sympathise with Christians and Catholics who are living in Muslim countries.
4. Sacha Baron Cohen will create a new character, Constantine the III, for a new movie about a hardcore evangelists whose mission is to convert muslims to Christianity in the middle east.

Now I know why the Iranian government blocked western media from reporting within the country during the string of post-election demonstrations.

Got Milk?

I'm currently preparing a storyboard for a milk ad competition. Soon after I was informed about the competition, a CFL lightbulb popped above my head!

I like to make videos that I can relate to. For me, when I make an ad about a product I truly believe, the believability of the presentation is apparent. Like all of you, I drank my mother's milk and baby formulas until I was 6. From the age of six to seventeen, I drank two glasses of milk everyday. Guess what brand did I stick to? Haha, it was Everyday.

Now I drink milk only when it is available, like when there's a carton in the fridge or if I walk pass a grocery store but I would like to think that I compensated my calcium needs nowadays by eating a lot of cheese.

Not blue cheese though. The only time I ate blue cheese was when we had our very own Fear Factor challenge during hotel buffets.

My favourite snack is cheese stick. I would nibble on them for hours on end and scrap every ounce of cheese left even when the cheddar is visibly finished. And my favourite food: pasta carbonara has both cheese and milk.

So in a nutshell, milk is an intergral part of myself and even though the prize offered is... ermmm.. not so tempting but I will make the ad anyway because I believe.

Chewah!

Because...

I believe... (cue to puke)

And also I need to add another win to my resume because I'll be working soon.

I Feel Small Right Now

I think a lot of people overestimate my potential. I for one know what I'm worth and I can tell you in your face that I don't worth that much.

People's expectations is currently parallel with my estimation of my own worthlessness.

Although I can be sarcastic, cynical and confident, most of the time I feel very small and vulnerable. This is why I put up either a I-don't-give-a-shit or I-am-so-full-of-myself front.

I won't comment further on my current state of mind.

Because right now, I feel very very very worthless. I feel blended with the masses. I am the masses.

Spread The Idea

Here's a short ad I recently made for a competition with a Energy Conservation theme. Since the company that organized this competition is keen on educating people about the importance of energy conservation by giving away free CFLs (compact fluorescent lamp), I think it is fitting to intergrate CFL into my indie ad.

Indie as in independant. Not Noh Hujan's haircut, tired-looking slouches, tight black tees and neon coloured pants.

Yes! Get yourself educated about Energy Conservation people!

Learn and enjoy!

Wacko Jacko KO?

I've always had the impression that Michael Jackson is going to live for a good 3 centuries. I figured when he reach the big five 'o' he would fake his own death and live in outer space with his beloved sister Janet in a space hub.

He would do his moondancing on the moon and fly around like Peter Pan while playing futuristic video games.

Whenever he gets bored with Janet, he would play gravity defying squash alone in a zen inspired cube. You don't have to imagine hard to visualise this, just watch one of his music videos:

You know what?

He's not dead.

He is in outer space right now. The dead body is one of Michael Jackson's impersonators. He didn't bring along Janet though (because all Janet impersonators have penises and this will not fly with doctors who will be conducting her post mortem.)

The King of Pop left earth and became the intergalactical God of Pop.

Share Your Idea!

I'm currently preparing a storyboard for a short clip about energy conservation. Do you realise when cartoon characters has a new idea, a typical phallic bulb will suddenly appear on their heads?

One of the most effective ways of minimizing the usage of electricity is by using energy saving bulbs.

So in the clip I'm making, whenever a person has an idea, an energy saving bulb will appear on their heads and this will trigger a widespread realization of the importance and benefits of energy saving bulbs.

A simple idea for a simple clip.

NEDA Alert

The turmoil in Iran has become an emosional issue for me. I know for a fact that many self-professed 'Islamist' (a term used for people who wants to reinstate the Islamic chaliphate) supports Ahmadinejad for his strong opposition of western countries and Israel but fuck them, they don't know how it feels to live in Iran so who are they to judge? They may support Ahmadinejad's ideology but can ideology provide economical and social progression?

Happy Father's Day

You taught me how to love and give.

You taught me that honesty is the best policy.

You also taught me how to be thrifty and cheap.

So don't blame me when I get you a second hand wheel chair when you get older.

Happy Father's Day bapak.

May the force be with you.

Malaysia VS Indonesia

"Hah!, Hoish! Hah! Hish....! Hah!"

Lee Chong Wei is up against Taufik Hidayat in Indonesia Open and my stepmother is having a slight seizure.

"Haaa! Macam tu lah!"

Since last night, whenever a Malaysian double or single is playing against Korea, China, India or Indonesia, the crowd will roar YEAH at the opposing team and chant the name of the country as if Korea and China were a part of Indonesia.

"Yess! Chanteq!"

They hates us so much that when the shuttlecock reaches Malaysia's side of the court they will abruptly BOO us. Kurang asam.

My stepmother sighs in despair. Lee Chong Wei is known for his sudden attitude swing but...

"Yeah! Hah! Padan muka! Main kotoq lagi! Padan muka!"

Lee Chong Wei needs one more point to defeat Taufik who have won Indonesia Open six years in a row.

"YEAH! YESS YESS YESS YESS! MALAYSIA BOLEH!"

Her phone rings.

"Ye bang.. Takda pa eh. Haah, Malaysia dah menang. Dak eh, Zura tak over excited lah! Apa? dengaq sampai kat kedai mamak? Hahaha, takdak lah!"

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To!

Like every year for the past decade, my birthday yesterday was a downer. I love birthdays but I've always hated my own.

I have very high expectations. I also have a tendency to act out by shutting down all forms of communication with anyone. It is also known as Merajuk.

Better merajuk than doing anything dangerous or damaging. I don't usually get what I want because I want a lot of things. It's just who I am. I am ambitious, a trait I inherit from my mother. I am also very emotional, which I got from Bapak.

These two traits are deadly if not fiery combinations. It spells DESIRE.

Not getting what I want is necessary to get me motivated to work hard. It's how I get the world to respond to my needs. It responded by providing an illusion of scarcity. I responded to this by putting more fuel into my engine.

In a way, I asked for it.

So, there's actually no need to merajuk because this feeling, this feeling of abandonment and betrayal should be kept inside so it can become coals for many winters ahead.

Although I reasoned with myself with this but my balmy heart tells me to act otherwise. Because It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To! -Lesley Gore.

It's My Party and I Can Cry If I Want To

That's Why I Hate Birthdays

When Bapak gave me his old blazer, I cried violently with absolutely no expression on my face. My tears leaked from my tearduct uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what I was actually feeling to have triggered this burst of emotion.

I just realized that all my things are hand-me-downs or second-hands. I never had a problem with this but last night proved otherwise. "Don't be ungrateful Afiq, don't be selfish Afiq." I scolded myself. I guess I've been keeping this little emotion in a little box and locked it in a secret cupboard.

I hate bithdays.

Birthdays is the only day when you think of yourself and self-centredness is the root of misery. Happiness is selflessness in contributing and focusing thoughts and energy into something we feel passionate about.

That's why I hate birthdays.

Start of Something New

Next month I will be finishing my last sem in UIA. At the same time, I will also be looking for work or internship in KL. I'm currently looking for an available room that I can rent so I can move in next month.

This is all very new and daunting to me. It's a scary prospect but I have to do it. I don't have rich parents to sustain me until I can afford my own house. I don't want to live and work in my comfort zone because I want to grow, learn and master my craft. I believe that a pebble can only be polished when it is under pressure. I want to make it big. I want to be the best in what I do. And I want it so very bad that I'll do anything! (that's permissible in Islam)

Today is a good day to start an important phase in my life.

Today is the start of something new.

InsyaAllah.

My Birthday Wish

God forgive all my sins and my parents' sins.

God, Bapak is an honest and kind man. His honesty backfired countless times but he carried on with his life and tried his best to provide for us. He's a simple man. Happiness for him is to own a house with a post-colonial design with ample space for him to rear his chickens and plant his japanese roses. God oh God, please grant this simple request because he needs to believe that you were with him when he stood his ground and told the truth.

God, Umi is a strong woman. She's a fighter and she has been fighting all her life. God, God, God, she suffered so much already. Give her peace of mind and good judgement. Give her your eternal blessings. Give her your love and warmth.

God, I hope you keep your words and ease their life journey from here on.

God, Uncle Lan and Mama Ida looked after my brother like their own son so please grant them longevity so they can cycle around the world and be back just in time for their nephew's kenduri nikah. They comforted me with their kind words and support when I was emotionally hurt and for that, I pray to you that you comfort them with your blessings when they get hurt.

God, Makcik Nani and Uncle Amir looked after me when I was in Matriculation. They tended to my every needs with so much love as if I am their son. I am forever grateful with what they have done so please God, please grant them with your blessings.

God, Auntie Tijah and Uncle Lee fed me brown rice and macrobiotic food when I'm scrawny and malnourished. They compensated my dietary needs with their dinners, kenduris and macrobiotic carrot cakes. They assisted me financially when I'm broke so God, never ever broke their hearts unnecessarily.

God, Uncle Art and Auntie As inspired me to get a flashy red car when I get my first big pay cheque. So God, please extend your blessings to me so I can get me one of those flashy cars myself and show it off to them and not let them test drive it.

God, Tok Nab took care of me when I was smaller and cooked all my favourite dish. She shows her love with her cooking and everytime I visit her, I will be 10 kg heavier... with love of course. She shared to me her wisdom and gave me valuable advise. God, extend her long life so she could see me get married and have kids.

God, Mak Chaq have been so kind to me all her life. Almost everynight, she would unlock the door so I can get in the house in the middle of the night. I pray for her health and well being.

God, Auntie Da helped me out now and then and took me out for dinner so many times that I lost count. I hope she will make a political comeback after successfully getting her degree. God, introduce to her your kind of man, you know, a man that can take care of her and motivate her so she could reach the stars.

God, Uncle Bal recently had a new baby boy. Grant Anas the best of health so he can grow up to serve You the best way that he can.

God, Umi Yang is a free spirited hippy with a heart of gold. She is a resilient and adventurous person so give her courage when she is in need of it. She listened to all my problems so please God, listen to hers too. She gave me guidance so it is only fair that you give her guidance whenever she's lost.

God, Tok Nda is a very strong lady. She is the best. The best lah. She is the coolest grandmother a grandson can ever ask. Grant her long life and eternal happiness.

God, grant Hadi, Saiful, Putera, Nael, Arine, Hariz, Natalia, Fareez, Diyana, Nazreen and Sarah your blessings. My cousins are like my brothers and sisters so I would appreciate it if you give them sufficient guidance.

And to my friends! Extend your helping hands to them whenever they are in need.

God, I hope you grant all my birthday wishes.

Amin.

My Birthday: This Friday

This Friday, I will turn 22. This is my birthday wishlist:

1. I want good books with substance (novels)

2. I want cheese cake. I like cheese + I like cake =I love cheese cake.

3. I want people to not question my authority as the King of the Day.

4. I want a new keyboard because the keyboard I bought from a makcik from Puchong dah rosak and is unrepairable.

5. I want to not get angry when I realise that no one will bother getting what I want. Hahaha. Sedih tapi... Hahahaha. It happens every year but... Hahahaha.

6. I want to not get depressed and lock myself in my room because the key of happiness is selflessness.

7. Instead of waiting and anticipating for people to celebrate the existence of myself, I want to celebrate existence itself.

8. I want to start praying regularly and without fail.

9. I want to want to be better in everything. Everything.

Am I a Virgin?

Some stranger text me a question via sms "Hey Afiq, are you a virgin?"

You know what? I really don't know.

What are the things that can possibly make me not a virgin? If I received or performed oral, am I still a virgin? What about anal? I know it's haram but will it affect my virginity?

Is virginity even relevant for guys?

I beg of you, non-virgins and virgin experts, enlighten me!

Corntoz's Express Yourself

So many bloggers participated in this competition so I might as well do the same. 3oo Corntoz and 2 Fast 2 Corntoz are parody videos about two average joes who decided to enjoy their Corntoz in extreme situations.

Do I have shot of winning this competition? Seriously, I don't have the slightest clue because so many people are participating including famous bloggers like Kenny Sia and Cheesy.

Credits to my fellow actors: Hadi my younger brother, Nael my eldest cousin along with Natalia, Nisa and Nazreen.

Enjoy!

You can watch other submitted videos here and don't forget to vote for my videos.

I think it's funny but who am I judge my own work?

The Evolution of Blue

For most Malaysians, blue is a special word for pornographic videos. Kids, pornography is an enhanced display of how abah and mama make babies. Babies that grows up to become you and me. Blue is how we learn about sex because abah and mama is too ashamed to talk about it. Blue is the most easily available genre of film in the internet. Blue made Paris Hilton the heiress into Paris Hilton the celebrity. Oh yeah, blue is also a colour. And a boyband from England.

I watched my first blue when I was 11. A mosque bilal from TTDI showed me and some of my friends a few collection of blue and let us watch one of them. I hate to break it to you but I watched my first blue at a mosque. It wasn't my fault. I didn't know what sex was that time, there were no Astro yet. When the bilal let us watched Perawan Desa, I was excited and afraid at the same time. I was excited to know that my penis has another purpose other than peeing. I was afraid because the bilal and my two older friends whipped out their penises and shook em until they become dragon like mushrooms as if this is an automatic reaction when watching blue.

The older guys bragged about watching blue all the time to the younger ones and since I was the only kid who tagged along with the seniors to watch blue at Bilal's room (terima kasih, UPTS!), I was obligated to tell them what it was like. Being the capitalist and artist that I still am, I sketched lewd pictures and sold them for RM5 each. The whole Quran memorizing instution was in heat during that time and its students were hornier than Quran reading pointers. During isolated breaks, the senior would go upstairs and mass wank to a lingerie catalogue and the juniors would later marvel at the starcy white stains left on the bedsheets. Back then, jizz was up the hizzey! Some seniors even went so far as to demonstrate several masturbation techniques while watching blue at the Bilal's room.

Age: 13. Location: home. Newly installed: internet. Yowza! It was a point of no return. I downloaded blue like Sabahan cops collected bribes. I liked the thrill of smuggling blue from the internet. Will I get caught red handed? Will my mom suddenly barge into the room? It was one of the most thrilling adventures of my life, downloading blue. The excitement. The fear. The addiction. But weirdly enough, I don't really enjoy watching them. Miley Cyrus got it right, it IS the climb.

During matriculation at UIA, guys watched blue religiously like I watch Oprah. I didn;t join them because they were more interested in straight to the point action blues like brazzers, milf and bangbros (start your Ares engine running!) When I entered the main campus, blue is readily available for everyone if you get to know a good friend of ours, LAN the blue pimp. At this point, the whole attraction of getting blue dissipitated. There were no more thrills or danger of acquiring or getting blue. When tempted to get myself some of that honey, I asked myself "What's the point?"

Blue, with all its whims and wonders can be very addictive but fortunately I am immuned. I would become an addict if there is more variety in the selection of blue. I prefer blue that is well written. It has to have dramatic lighting, perfect cinematography and a good storyline. Not out of this world hentai-ish angels consumating with demon stories but more of a soap opera-ish Werner Herzog piece, peppered with Woody Allen's wit but with a Shyamalan twist. Okay, so there is no such blue yet but you can't count out the possibility that such a genre will soon become the latest must-watch like the literal Total Eclipse of the Heart video.

Any Questions?

"Ye Afiq Deen...?"

Szuraiha looked at me with her twinkly eyes.

"Hah!" Alamak, kantoi tengah sketch UFO dan tidak memberi perhatian dalam kelas. "But I didn't ask anything!"

"But you have a question for me now, no?"

"No, I don't Szuraiha."

Szuraiha gave me a faint smile and proceed with her next topic. "Typical!" I thought to myself. "Just because I ask one question everyday, everyone assumes that I am the Lord of Questions and should therefore fill the required question quota."

Babi betol.

That's how things are in UIA or any institution where malays are the majority. I can't explain why but malay students dislike asking questions. The only people in my class who asks questions are foreigners and myself. Oh yeah, and Kak Zihan. Kak Zihan asks stupid questions. I never believed in 'stupid questions' but boy oh boy, whatever that comes out from this girl's mouth that ends with a question mark is remarkably stupid.

I asked Megat and he told me that I wouldn't understand why malay students dislike asking questions because I was schooled in private schools.

"Pelajar melayu dah diajar secara subliminal supaya tak tanya atau mempersoal guru-guru mereka."

Amboi DBP sungguh rakanku ini. Megat also told me that asking questions is deemed disrespectful and kurang ajar in the malay culture.

"I can relate to that."

I never asked about anything other than the obvious to my parents. Google and Yahoo! taught me what I need to know about sex. It was truly coincidental that I learnt about orgy, BDSM, gangbang and anal sex the same day I searched for the word 'sex'.

Oh yeah, if I'm not kurang ajar enough, I call lecturers with no doctorate of phD by their first name. I don't think it's wrong, do you?

I just think we're all equals in the eyes of God.

Any Questions?

Racist Promotion

In line with Pacific's latest voucher promotion, the store used two large ladies as their mascots. Although the selection of models can be deemed as insensitive towards large/ fat/ gemok/ dugong/ boyot people, this notion is understandable because it is for the Ganjaran 'Berganda' Ulang Tahun.

However I find this promotion ad positively racist. Take a look for yourself:

Now, why is the malay lady only holding RM150 worth of voucher when the chinese lady a whopping RM400?

Why?

Is it because Pacific thinks malay consumers spends less money shopping at its stores? Or is it because Pacific thinks the chinese are much wealthier than the malays and sees it fit to display the economical difference with its ads?

Or is it just me and my racist malay supremacy sentiments?

10 More Days

I have 10 more days left before I turn 22!

Sun, wind and high altitude. This is a good place to end my life.

Wind, water and high altitude. This is a good place to die.

10 days to go 'till the 19th and I'm feeling the heat of weariness engulfing my spirit. Do you know that feeling? It's lethargy, anger and regret balled up into one very fiery mojito. Thank god there were nasi kandar, nasi subaidah, nasi lemak lamoni, laksa tanjung bungah and pasembur gurney to insulate these dangerous compacted emotions from seeping out of me. More in, less out.

I'm nervous

1 am

I went clubbing at one of Penang's 'safest' clubs. It is considered safe because the club strictly prohibits drugs of any kind. I ordered Sprite and sat on the balcony to watch how pimps and their whores operate.

I studied how whores used the art of seduction to seduce drunk men. There is a system, you see. Miss A will grind herself against Mr.B to figure out what turns Mr.B on. Okay, so Miss A finds out that Mr.B likes ass so Miss A calls Miss S to replace her. Miss S is an ugly whore with an unusually large ass. Miss S gives Mr. B a little feel before whispering Mr.B her service charge. Mr.B agrees and off they go to a neaby hotel or motel.

By distributing whores with focused assets to delusional potential customers, the pimp is actually defying the Law of Diminishing Returns because no whore will be left unattanded by the end of the morning because of the gradual and steady rate of 'employment'.

But there were times when two whores with similar focused assets faces limited market opportunity. When this happens, they will ward each other off the potential customer with coarse language whispered audibly to each other's ears or to a grind-off. A grind-off is a grinding competition in which the subject of grind is the potential customer.

I think I finally found out why I don't like to go clubbing. There are so many things happening simultaneously and because of my tendency to over-analyse, I will over-indulge myself in the intricacy of mind-numbing chaos that will leave me feeling nauseous and light-headed.

I prefer analyzing the full moon, crushing waves and the clear velvet sky because there is very little to know about these mighty treasures of God and yet my heart feasted greedily at the very sight of them.

God is Great.

22nd on the 19th

My birthday is coming up soon and adhering to the tradition of awaiting my point of existence, I will reflect myself extensively. I know it sounds cool. I myself would like to think that I would do my reflecting by staring at the unknown on a hilltop facing a sublime view of a beautiful landscape. But I'm a simple and selekeh person so what I did was I stared at the asbestos ceiling and asked myself "Why?"

"Why am I alive? What is my purpose? Am I in the right direction to serve my purpose? How have I become better or worse from last year?"

Every year, I failed to answer these questions with a straight answer. Or with a straight face.

There are several stages of nearing the 19th of June. A week before the 19th, there will be a hint of remorse in the way I talk, as if reminded of the imensity of every single mistakes I did for the past year. My vices will be analysed with unforgiving scrutiny and faults magnified. On the 19th, I will feel relief slowly filling in the trenches of despair. Slowly. It would accelerate when celebrated with friends and family but I haven't had a proper birthday reception for half a decade.

Maybe people my age should not be fussed over little things like birthdays. Birthdays are to be kept to an acceptable minimum for young adults so they could be more concerned about work and earn their own birthday celebrations. Maybe. Though I dearly missed the Cake. The Candles and the official blowing of them. The Yeays and Congratulations when the lights are turned on and the plastic knife brought forth.

Whether or not I had an acceptable birthday on the 19th, on the 20th, a new sun rised and gleamed on my slighly pimply forehead just before I announced to the world the new two digits that will be associated to me for another whole year. I walked out of my room a new man, ready to make mistakes so I can learn from them, ready for new experiences and discoveries, ready for another year to figure out the anwers to the questions I asked myself everynight for 14 days, only to realize again and again that those questions are not meant to be answered with words but to be gradually realized with continuous attainment of age and wisdom.

And what better way to attain wisdom faster than to read good books? I'm not asking for much. A few good books will make me so happy that if there's a machine to produce electricity using happiness, I can light up a city during Earth Hour.