post-traumatic post

I am -what you call- a true blue Malay

Despite being recognized as a chinese, a korean and a russian(???) pedestrian, I am in fact a true blue Malay. I was brought up the malay way and was taught malay qualities.

As a child, tools like belts, hangers, rulers etc are used for 'taming' me. In other words, physical abuse was opted. I know for a fact that almost everyone my age had had their share of -rotan- experiences. Having to learn Islamic jurisprudence in IIU, I was baffled by the fact that physical punishments are only applicabe when one does not perform prayers. Ehem, I've never been hit for not praying in my life! Another streak of truth by a true blue malay son.

I was beaten because I lied a lot. I was beaten because the household is not always 'stable'. I was beaten because of stress. I was beaten because.... Was I merely a stress playtool? Was I a helpless functional mammal?

I can recall. Of all the things I remembered of my childhood, the most vivid scenarios are -rotan- scenarios. Rotan scenario? What a noun... Rotan... It is more appropriately called -abuse- in english. It doesn't sound humane innit? Abuse..

I was at the bathroom, scrubbing my ears with soap when I heard the master bedroom door slammed. Bliss is ignorance. Bliss of echoing drips of water. I changed. At my room. My door slammed. Red angry eyes. I know what I did. I lied about my report book. I hid it. I got an B. I hid it under my bed. I was expected to do better. I lied. A sequent a screaming questions. I only managed to hiss "sorry". I squeaked it "sorry". And in split second, I was hit. He used a belt. It never seem to end. I cried. I curled. I keep saying "tolong". Maybe it will stop soon if I mutter that word "tolong" Another moment of interrogation. I admit. "Sorry". Forgiving is not an issue. I knew. It stings. I curled earlier before I was hit. Inertia I thought. Maybe it will hurt less. It didn't. I was left alone. Nobody dared to be by my side. Maybe they're thinking "he deserves it". I never admit I deserved it. I was forced to stop schooling for a few days. I live in an emptied store room. It was dark. I was lonely. Bibik brought down food. I was isolated. I played with grass. With stones. I hid in the store room when my neighbor's kids came back from school. I started to think. "Maybe I deserved this?". That thought lasted for a while.

I am nineteen, no longer a boy. I am an adult. I can get married if I want to. I can quit university and work if I want to. I can decide by my own. A lecturer passed by with his son.

Arif, what did you get in your science test? An A. Save it, I can ask your teacher by phone you know... I got a B, I'm sorry. Hmph, you'll do better next time? *nods*

From one topic to another (again). I can't keep it straight... I just can't. It is as it is..