This is a slog. A self log, an entry I feel interpersonally attached to me. I'm vulnerable right now.. So What?

Afiq? Introvert? Are you kidding me? Sure or not?~~~

I may find yourself emphatizing my pathetic confession, mainly based on disbelief. And why should I be bothered? I mean really, it's really my fault, really.

I have a major breakdown today after recollecting scenes from the past; relationships, friendship, etc. I found out that I'm emotionally corked. My empathy doesn't reach out to anyone in particular and having this known without the help of other people, I was in my -don't touch me- mode. Defensive for a purpose not known to myself.

And it hit me harder than I anticipated, flashbacks and takes of lifes flew back and fourth within a second. A second of self-pity. A second that would make anyone curl to themselves and flush in vivid scarlet. I realize now, more than ever, that I'm incapable of connecting with people in a personal level. I realize now, more than ever that that may be my biggest and most challenging weakness.

If only anyone who reads this know me as I am not as how I chose to present myself. I'm sure you could detect the thin layer of masquarade as my 'written' self does not reflect my being.

Anyone who does know a piece of me, I need your help, please be a dear and tell me "you're faking it, relax" whenever I start clowning myself. Sadly, no one really cares that much to bother. So I'll rest my case.


Anonymous said...

MUHASABAH, that's d most best way 2 realm urself. why find fault in others of not connecting coz it's usually us. Another factor is ur surrounded by those of self centered people who believe they are always right but in real they are just a speck of dust. My dearest umi son pray n think of ur doing that has hurt others. Do they deserved ur harsh words n gesture- worst when those who love u look forward in seing u n then u just shoooo them off as though they are just dirt. HURT n GUILT my son is d answer.
All u have 2 do is listen n say sorry n all ur guilt will ease off n better feeling will flow into ur soul. Dearest umi son u need lots n lots of food 4 soul n then all d positive aura will flowered u n u'll smile always.
Watching those unfortunate can also calm u coz then u realise how fortunate our life have been n all we have to do is just GIVE.
Always we want so much but have we ever wonder how much have we given? Do what is awaiting u now ie as an architecture student n son. Fulfill d responsibilities with excellence. Then follows by others u number them. B4 going 2 sleep asked urself have u fulfill ur responsibilities? only u know d answer.
Lastly everybody has their special ability n it may not be of urs. So Dearest umi son MUHASABAH n do d 3am prayers u'll find d answer. Apapun umi will pray for u just like umi son hadi saiful n salahuddin.
Take care n sleep well.

Chemistry Grad said...

salam afiq!

Sadly, no one really cares that much to bother.

see~, how do u know, no one cares? i'm here waaaatt!!

oohh you have this incapable of connecting with people in a personal level. problem yekk?

well, what i advice - take it easy, dont be pushy to others and urself especially and be grateful there's always ppl who easily approach you and tell u their secrets (u have that thick eye brow, u told me before kan?)..i tell you a secret - never show insecurity/neediness(don't be too open, unless they ask for it. eg: wat u did to me, ingat?). they will come to you automatically. (this is my $10000000000000 worth idea) it works though.

but what if i end up lonely if i dont approch them if i show i dont need them? - FAQ

you wont. be happy for what u are, ppl will tend to linger more around you and see/stare at you senyap2 through their eyelids. (kid dah buat experiment before..haha~) it does work! - when they do, senyumla..(senyuman itu satu sedekah)

-first approach dah settle!

to maintain?

again..do the same thing. never show insecurity/neediness. they will come to you automatically. if u feel its ok to be open, then go ahead..

well, how to differentiate which one is good and bad? which one to keep and to discard?

justify urself lor! kan dorg ada depan mata sekarang..cakap2, then judge ler!

insya Allah~ u'll be fine. (i used to be in ur position, comparing with ito..but it seems i'm doing quite fine now, and tak suka cari pasal..)

gud luck! salam~ enjoy new sem and kim salam kat lubna and puteri and jannah and ryhn!

Chemistry Grad said...

oh one more..

you can tell anyone yg rasa tak nak take this relationship with u to the personal level, jangan la paksa..it's not your fault. maybe they prefer that way, to have thoughtful chat with u and share ideas or watever they want from u only, then simply walk away...(at least if they say "thank you")..so let them be.

you pun walk away, aha~ another one looking at u, so smile lor~ make another fren go on..so on and so forth.

circle of friends, friends come and go~ all these you must have for not everybody is the same. one idea of friendship usually to suit all.

gud luck, friend!

Chemistry Grad said...

one idea of friendship usually never suits all.

nana said...

knowing you and seing you from afar selling uia goods all over fab, talking to you only once or twice, it had never occured to me that u had such insecurities.. i'm amazed.. u seemed very capable of actually fitting in.. how could u have such problems? u even joined us for a little game of skipping rope.. u, the guy i know in utm, was never in my list of 'unapproachable' person..

what u've experienced could be bcos u haven't met the right person..
or maybe the child in you is making you a little confused.. its okay, the child would slowly grow.. no need to rush, just as long as there is some development going on..
and its okay to fake something, just as long as u know where the border line is.. just as long as u know who you are.. if what u fake is actually the better you, then so be it.. what u fake will eventually be who you are.. but if the one u fake is not who you see you are supposed to be, then be careful.. don't lose yourself.. as long as u held on tight to your roots, losing yourself, won't be a problem..

maybe i don't know you that much, but i kinda like the you i met in utm.. someone like you, to me is someone who i could see as a very2 dear and close friend.. maybe we could be... if given the chance :) c ya around, kiddo.. ~ nana signing out~

afiq said...

umi dearest,

Thank you for your lovely advice. My rationale for this subject is now determined. I will, bit by bit make change in myself whenever possible.. and of course, as requested many many..ehem many many many times: to not take things for granted.


the very reason i dont read CLEO is because I'm not accustomed to direct answers and personal suggestion but I will(in gratitude) give your advise much thought.

anna banana,

anna, the afiq you saw in UTM is the salesman afiq, afiq as my last sem lecturers would call: afiq ni jual taik pun boleh laku. I can be this Afiq at any point and will please (or impress) anyone in the process. But when you get along with studiomates, peers, family members, etc, ppl that will be around you alot, smiles itch and i'll usually scare ppl away when i'm to carried away with my put on character.

So what i'm trying to do now is not to put any act anymore (only when necessary~~"ka ching")lie back and relax. I'm a late bloomer for this -comfortable-with-ur-skin-issue.

so be it
its only natural

Chemistry Grad said...

aha! i'm so disturbed *ehem*..i mean so surprised..what anna said:

someone like you, to me is someone who i could see as a very2 dear and close friend.. maybe we could be... if given the chance :)

kid exaggerating n stressing: maybe we could be..if given the chance

ewah ewah afiq..dah ada e, riema..pastu anna??! tabik kat lu la! your turn plak play love..hahaha~

only 19 wha..at! cheers!

*kid sengih mak nenek sampai terlanggar tiang lampu..lambang bangga dgn kawannya, afiq.*

afiq said...

you can speculate all you want kid but if truth(lie) betold, men can never love one person alone which, makes poligamy valid

its only natural

Chemistry Grad said...

we love everybody...ooo..u want poligamy?

mmm....ok~ kid bleh makan nasi minyak berkali-kali leerr


nana said...

kid n afiq
1st of all, i'm nana n not anna.. anna is just too girly n cute to name me.. as i am not at all girly or cute :( hehe :)
2nd, afiq is about a year younger than me, so i c him more like a brother rather than what u thought.. dont be too disturbed, i wouldn kacau boyfriend org.. thehehe :)
n another, u r rite afq, i didn't know u like those around u, but that doesn't mean i couldn't rite?? lets just put it this way, i'd rather know u personally n suffer in the process than let everybody else do the judging 4 me :)

Chemistry Grad said...

ye la nana..*typo*

i have loads of nanas around here..nice meeting u, sorry for the 'misunderstanding'..kid saja suka speku la..KIDding wat, yup thats my name, baby!

afiq, mana e???? waaa~ camne la main nyorok2 ngan e eii??

afiq said...

wat are talking about kid?? what's to hide.

I like to keep her from "talks" ah, you know girls and their tendency to "talk" (speculate)

No one even knows her real name yet... haha..