Peking Duck

Because I blog a lot about how NOT to be gay, some readers confide with me about their struggles of resisting this alternative lifestyle. With all those readers, I pointed out to them that the first and most important stage of abandoning the gay lifestyle forever is to first acknowledge their subject of lust: men.
Most of the YM-ing and Windows Massenging I had with these readers are often sad, confusing or Dr.Phil-ish but one particular guy stuck out from the rest.
Afiq: You like men so you think you're gay?
Yus: No, I KNOW I'm gay.
Afiq: Have you ever had sex with a guy?
Yus: No, but I think about it all the time.
Afiq: Gay is an action, of being sexually involved with a guy. How are you gay when you never even had sex with a guy yet?
Yus: I'm sure I'm gay but I'm afraid that I will lead an abnormal life. I want to have a wife, children and lead a happy life with a family. Being gay is so depressing, it feels so... empty.
Afiq: It's not like you're denied of having a 'normal' and happy life. You know some people are addicted to smoking and some people hate smoking. We all have our own demons. Relax, the first thing you should do is not associate yourself with the word GAY.
Yus: I'm a damn good chef who likes to watch WWE.
Afiq: You're a chef? Wow~
Yus: Yeah, I'm a chef at a 5 star chinese restaurant.
Afiq: What's your best dish?
Yus: People always compliment me on my Peking dick
Afiq: ????
Yus: DUCK! Peking DUCK.
Afiq: LOL
Yus: Fuck! U and I are so close together!
Afiq: U and I what...?
Yus: omfg. I'm so gay.


Anonymous said...

So what happened then?

ms said...

this is an interesting post. me myself always have this kind of thinking.

Some research says than gay or not, is determined before birth.

I realize since I am little that I always fond of someone who is always happen to be a boy, and till now, it worry me that I do spend more effort to stalk a guy instead of stalking a girl.

I also think like Yus. I mean, I can choose to do gay. But IMO it is a very difficult way of life. Kinda lonely. And has very little chance of finding those who is loyal. I mean how many time we heard a gay relationship which doesn't work? A LOT.

IMO it's easier to pretend to be normal, married with a wife (or more. LOL) and have children. You can give and receive love. And most importantly, you won't be lonely.

I do feel like I'm cheating my wife-to-be and most importantly, I'm cheating myself. But I believe that this is a test from Him.

Afiq Deen said...

Be assured, it is a test from Him.

And you don't have to pretend to be normal, if you can find a woman who understands you, you're one lucky bastard. If she doesnt understand n doest want to live through your peril, why should you go through hers?


RR said...

I couldn't stop rolling on the floor laughing!

It was unintentional, wasn't it? Accidentally misspelling 'peking duck'?

dian said...


Afiq Deen said...

I'm not sure myself. Maybe it was intentional, but it was funny as hell especially when he panicked.

sEouL said...

i noticed that most of commenters are having a good heart (afraid of Allah). that's why you guys keep on asking whether it's right to be a gay or not?

plzz.., be strong. go back to the right track before we could depart to the other world of life.

always remember before making any decision put these factors as priority:
1. Allah
2. Al-quran n Al-sunnah
3. Ulama'
4. Your understanding

RR said...

I guess this is just a phase.

With the right guidance and initiative to overcome this issue, there's the tendency to grow out of it.

Afiq Deen said...

Of course la Seoul. It's called a conscience. You're not the only with a conscience or what you may call 'a good heart'

You want to do some good deed? talk to people with these problems without judging them. Don't scare them with religion, make them love Allah so much that they fear Him and not the other way around.

Cakap disini je tak guna.

I'm confident that you can do it.. Go Seoul Go!

f said...

It's just really really sad that anyone needs to project who they are in terms of their sexuality (in this case ... not-gay). The resistance to what is essentially JUST a word, i think, just reinforces the desperation.

Whatmore your insistent perpetuation on what YOU think it means to subscribe to this lifestyle, as if the term is homogeneous and universal and all 'homosexuals' have no sense of moral sensibilities.

Just be who you are lah, regardless. The world was never in black or white.

Afiq Deen said...

I get where you're coming from but a lot of people confide with me their struggles to not engage in homosexual activities, the physical side of homosexuality.

Lifestyles may differ but what I'm trying to convey to these people is that you're not gay and therefore sinful in the eyes of god because you think you're born attracted to the same sex, gay is basically when you have sex with a same sex partner.

This word 'Gay'. I hate it. They made it so homogeneous that you can't blame me if my interpretation of what's gay or not is biased.

Anonymous said...

well..U r the only one..for now who think like that..but people around me owez think that I am a animal..more worst than Babi...I've been treated like sampah when they know I am a Gay. d others commented...I oso never done any Sexual relatiionship with the same gender..or even know any one who is also gay..or even touch any mens part....I never ever do these kind of things...All are limited until my eyes physical contact or what so ever....I noticed that I am a Gay when i was 5 years old...I am mature enough to know that because I have a feeling towards my male english teacher in Tadika. Damn! But that is the truth. I've been hiding this from my family..and one until now know about this.
By the way, I'm a first year student in a Uni. Earlier this sem...I blew up my cover..usually I owez pretend that I love girls since primary School..teasing them...urat2 them...but the fact that I am a gay...really hurts....being unable to tell anyone as u r afraid they will discriminate and make fun of you...
well..the greatest fear do come in my rumate is the one who discover this. I owez write thins in my diary about how it hurts being a don't know how stupid i am when i left my diary out in the open..on top of my he read it...yeaah..the worst thing is that the relationship with me n my roomate are not good either...we become enemy during study week as we have a fight. i shout at him and his friends because of the noises that they made. By da way. I live in the hostel. So when he find out about this..he took advantage of me...he know this is a way for him to make fun of me and to jatuhkan and malukan meee....and that is what he did...He told his friends..from the room next door...and guess what..i've been discriminated from that day. When I entered the Bath room..Everyone go out and laugh and shout Gay in da house. I tahan my anger. When ever I study or do my assignments, they purposely shout things out loud about gay and what gay people usually doooo....they mock meee...make fun of meee....fitnah me of making gya relationship with somebody....I lost my confidence of going out..I stop eating at the cafe as I afraid that i will terserempak ith themmm....I am not confident to walk with my male friends coz i'm afraid with the things they might say when they saw meee....but when they saw i walking with girls...they also mock mee.."gay ni ada prasaaan ke dgn Perempuan?''...and they laugh...when my rumate want to sleep..they shout and say."hati-hati nanti kena raba" know what is sins...but they keep assuming me like i am what they think i am...They also told my rumate to persuade me to give him "BJ"..u all know what it means !!!...I am totally angry with that....Everyday I been called as Gayboy...when i returned to the room,,they say gayboy datang...i want to move out..but I don't have any place to go..besides..if i move out...they assume I everyone can imagine my situation. I try to be strong. And At some point i'm able to do so.. I still can focus and do well in my exam...but my ability to withstand the challenges makes my rumate and d others envy of me..they also more envy when they know I still able to score 1st class romate only 3.0 they try to provoke me more teruk....there is one time when they say they want to make me stress until i want to commit suicide...They want to spread it in this whole uni so that people will hate me and discriminate mee......I am totally terrified if this I think I will do what they expected. What should I do now?

Anonymous said...

I think it is how comfortable you are. I myself is Gay. I'm not just seeing it, I'll do the deeds too. Not many people know except for few people, whom I feel really close.

the hardest part is to tell someone you close without them freaking out. I never tell my closest friend that I'm gay, they're just have to figure it out by myself.

Funny thing is, when they approach me with that question, I just nodded. Luckily, they still be friends with me.

But I dont go out in the scene. I prefer this way, discreeet and only few knows :)

ms said...

first i like to thank Afiq for replying. It felt so good to finally able to talk about it even by being anonymous.

secondly, I feel empathy with anonymous because the skeleton is out.

I'm on cover myself, but I think some people may know my gay-ness (because I forgot to clear the internet browsing history). I'm thankful that they understands (or maybe they just don't give a damn).

First rule of secrecy, never keep anything written black n white. But let the bygone be bygone. I think maybe I could suggest some solution.

1. choose friends wisely. From what I read, other people only know about you from your roomate's mouth. I believe even it is very rare, there are still people who didn't judge. Or at least can change their judgment.
So I think you should stop worry about what other people think about you. Just be yourself, be normal, do your assignment well, study well, mingle with other people well and so on. After all, action speaks louder.
If there are who judged, they are not befitting to be your friend. Ko terlalu berharga untuk jadi kawan diorang.

2. close to god. I'm not sure about this steps (because I'm not that close myself :P). But from my secondary experience, I see that bapuk who is religious tidak diganggu berbanding dengan bapuk yang jalang. :P I think those should work with other condition. (Like the issue that you are being misunderstood)
Of course, you should really being close to god because you want to, not because to make them stop.

3. Be strong. Nothing can hurt you except yourself. I read that you are excellent in studies, so just remember that this is temporary. After you graduate and get a good job, those people gonna be you lowly workers.

4. Be gentle. Ok this might contradict with 3rd point. But what I mean is, you shouldn't shout at them. Just ignore them. You can be angry, but don't be too angry. It's energy consuming. Pretend like they are flies who doesn't have other things to do except to taunt you. Just wave you hand and do you daily routines as usual. These kind of people like those who react. If you don't react, I believe they will get bored and will stop sooner or later. (But it is weird that university student act this way. Are you sure they are not mentally retarded?)

5. continue your act. I mean, pretend you like women. Not only I hope the whole university will not believe your enemy story, I also hope you find your desire. If you happen to have laptop or desktop, you may also want to pretend to download some lesbian porn (men like to watch women right?) or straight sex porn and save it in place that people could "accidentally" found. (Of course this step is very difficult and need an excellent acting skills. you also need to be caution that your family didn't find them :P)

FInally, I hope that my advice can help you if not all, some. Remember, life is precious, you are precious. This is a test, just temporary. I hope you'll succeed. May the force be with you. :)

ms said...

this link help me when I'm about to lost hope. :D
When You Find Out You Are a Gay

Afiq Deen said...

I don't write my comments as anonymous. Just so you know I'm against homosexuality.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling attracted to the same sex. I'm glad that you haven't experiment with men before because it shows how strong you are as a person.

We all have our own demons. Some people are awfully addicted to eating, gambling, drugs and alcohol and others like to sleep around and lead a swinger lifestyle. Being attracted to the same sex is no different. Look around you, everyone has a demon of their own but the way they deal with their negative inclinations is what really defines them as a person.

I understand how it feels to be bullied. I was bullied many times before because I was deemed 'jambu' and slightly effiminate with a posh upbringing attitude. I felt like killing myself sometimes not because I was bullied but because I felt that I've achieved nothing in my lifetime to go on living. My family weren't very helpful during those times because they thought I was just craving for attention and my suicidal tendencies will eventually subside. My mother even challenged me to jump off a window if I wanted to kill myself so much.

So I totally understand when you tell me that you can't confide with your family members about your problems.

Let's face some facts, shall we?

First, you are being
psychologically bullied by your peers. I wish I could tell you that can get rid of this problem by reporting it to your hostel warden or councillor but the hard truth is, the only way you can solve this is by changing your attitude towards your bullies.
You have a self-deprecating attitude and you feel that you are being victimised all the time. This stems from a low self esteem issue that you've been experiencing for quite a while. What you can do to turn your current situation around is to anticipate people to accept you for who you are. You must think "People didn't bully me because I'm gay, they bullied me because they think I'm weak and god damn it, I'm not fucking weak!" and convince yourself that there is more to you that what your peers might think.

If you think you're not strong enough to do this, find someone successful you can relate to. People like Ben Stiller, Christian Bale and Kate Winslet are Hollywood A-listers who were bullied and look at them now. Tell yourself that all the bullying is a necessary phase for you to grow into a stronger person.

But if all these mental anecdotes are proven to be too difficult for you to absorb, you can resort to a concerned friend, councillors or even your favourite relatives (aunt or cousins). They will not necessarily help you but they will make you feel a lot better. Maybe when you do feel better you can start tweaking with your mind again.

Remember, it's all in the mind.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Adan.DaQuaint.Devil said...

What best of being Muslims is that no matter how truck-load sum of wrongs have you made, and no matter how much you were isolated and hated by the community, you can still revert and ask for forgiveness from the Almighty; no need for medium/priest; no need for tools/altar... Just bring your heart, and tell Him how sorry you are.