Dear Budak Malang

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling attracted to the same sex. I'm glad that you haven't experiment with men before because it shows how strong you are as a person.
We all have our own demons. Some people are awfully addicted to eating, gambling, drugs and alcohol and others like to sleep around and lead a swinger lifestyle. Being attracted to the same sex is no different. Look around you, everyone has a demon of their own but the way they deal with their negative inclinations is what really defines them as a person.
I understand how it feels to be bullied. I was bullied many times before because I was deemed 'jambu' and slightly effiminate with a posh upbringing attitude. I felt like killing myself sometimes not because I was bullied but because I felt that I've achieved nothing in my lifetime to go on living. My family weren't very helpful during those times because they thought I was just craving for attention and my suicidal tendencies will eventually subside. My mother even challenged me to jump off a window if I wanted to kill myself so much.
So I totally understand when you tell me that you can't confide with your family members about your problems.
Let's face some facts, shall we?
First, you are being psychologically bullied by your peers. I wish I could tell you that can get rid of this problem by reporting it to your hostel warden or councillor but the hard truth is, the only way you can solve this is by changing your attitude towards your bullies.
You have a self-deprecating attitude and you feel that you are being victimised all the time. This stems from a low self esteem issue that you've been experiencing for quite a while. What you can do to turn your current situation around is to anticipate people to accept you for who you are. You must think "People didn't bully me because I'm gay, they bullied me because they think I'm weak and god damn it, I'm not fucking weak!" and convince yourself that there is more to you that what your peers might think.
If you think you're not strong enough to do this, find someone successful you can relate to. People like Ben Stiller, Christian Bale and Kate Winslet are Hollywood A-listers who were bullied and look at them now. Tell yourself that all the bullying is a necessary phase for you to grow into a stronger person.
But if all these mental anecdotes are proven to be too difficult for you to absorb, you can resort to a concerned friend, councillors or even your favourite relatives (aunt or cousins). They will not necessarily help you but they will make you feel a lot better. Maybe when you do feel better you can start tweaking with your mind again.
Remember, it's all in the mind.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

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