MALAYSIA WON SUZUKI CUP 2010

Malaysia's recent win is a cause for celebration for all of us, especially when it is conveniently close to new year's eve.

Alang-alang cuti terus! Tetapi dengan nada serius, afiq rasa kita terlampau terbawa-bawa dengan kemenangan ini. Sepatutnya kemenangan pertama Suzuki Cup ini harus dijadikan motivasi untuk pemain negara untuk meningkatkan lagi usaha mereka tetapi dengan layanan anak emas daripada kerajaan kita, afiq takut mereka akan jadi besar kepala dan merasakan mereka terlampau hebat.

Remember, Malaysia is no 144 in the world standing. We are below war-torn Iraq, food-deprived Sierra Leon and earthquaked Haiti. We are even below countries we have never heard of like Antigua and Barbuda, St. Kitts and Nevis and the not at all ridiculously named country Benin. 144 out of 203! Check out the list yourself homeskillets.

Sedihkan? Terutama pada negara kita yang obses dengan bola sepak. Jadi kepada penyokong-penyokong tegar, tolong ingatkan pasukan kita yang Suzuki Cup tu macam pertandingan mewarna peringkat tadika sahaja, tak perlulah lebih-lebih. Ya, ia satu permulaan tapi ia hanya satu permulaan. Permulaan yang boleh diakhiri dengan pengakhiran jika mula-mula sudah dimulakan dengan pengakhiran yang memulakan.

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WALK-WALK AND EAT AIR IN BEIJING

I'm back from Beijingjingjing. 10 days in Beijing felt like a month in a freezer which is in cat years a decade in a dog pound. It was cold beyond words and yet, there was no moisture, which means... no friggin snow! Why???

Tak ada salji tapi sejuk nak mampus. Dulu waktu afiq lawat Eropah pun sejuk juga tapi Beijing punya sejuk lain sikit, sejuk yang kalau dimanifestasi dalam bentuk manusia akan dikurung di dalam fasiliti di Tanjung Rambutan. Ya, sejuk gila!

Beijing is a weird city. No, China is a weird country. No Facebook, no Youtube, no Twitter, no Google, no Complaning, no Protesting, no Saying Bad Things About the Government, no English. Apparently, there are very very very very few people who can speak english so I had to learn some hardcore Mandarin to get around.

And there is this distinct scent, like a smell of a unwashed Kambing everywhere in the city. And the public toilets! The toilets have no doors! You can literally talk side by side with a friend while taking a dump.

Lumrah lah bagi satu rakyat lain untuk memandang pelik negara lain kan?

Bimbos here are edible! I think it's a clear message to all chinese bimbos: If you're stupid, you will get eaten!

Tinggi dan besar pokok-pokok di Beijing semuanya dikawal jadi semuanya kelihatan uniform dan sama. Di China, kelainan adalah satu perkara yang tak diingini. Afiq terbaca satu artikel dalam surat khabar China yang menulis tentang ibu bapa dan guru-guru yang kecewa dengan kanak-kanak autistik kerana tidak 'pulih' untuk menjadi kanak-kanak biasa selepas rawatan psikologi.

Oh the chinese - english translations here are hilarious. Here's another funny translation:

It reads "The grass is smiling at you. Please detour."

Afiq makan di restoran muslim di Niujie dan beberapa juadah di dalam menu-nya agak aneh. Ovari dan digestive gland? Mmmmm....

I hope it still tastes like fish!

The toys are very urm.. patriotic.

And yes, no matter how secular China is, the Chinese are still very superstitious. Even when the fountain at Forbidden City was frozen solid, there were still flocks of people throwing Yuans for good luck. Oh, can I still talk about the horrible translations?

Hahahaha! FAIL!

It was a very thorough trip as I did everything there is to do in my 10 days in Beijing. It was fun, but not for the Chinese though. The rich are extremely rich and the poor are still very poor. Socialist government my 臀部 !!!

SELAMAT HARI KRISMAS DAN TAHUN BARU

Tap tup tap, dah akhir tahun. Sekejap gila rasa. Macam-macam yang terjadi tahun ni, pelbagai kejayaan dan rintangan yang dilalui. Marathon tidur, marathon makan, marathon tengok TV, marathon editing semuanya telah dirasai. Marathon sebenar je belum lagi. Tahun ni afiq banyak gila belajar benda-benda baru, afiq dah direct satu music video, buat iklan TV, direct entah berapa banyak filem pendek, menang itu ini dan paling penting sekali afiq telah belajar untuk mengontrol rasa nak buang air selepas minum minuman yang bersusu.

Sekarang ini antara isu yang paling hangat ialah religious pluralism yang bermaksud mempercayai lebih daripada satu agama. Ramai 'Ustaz-ustaz' merasakan bahawa menyambut perayaan agama lain bermaksud kita menduakan agama. Pernah ada kes dahulu dimana kita diberitahu yang perbuatan mengucapkan selamat hari perayaan satu perbuatan syirik. Oh well, Islam yang afiq belajar di sekolah pondok dan UIA tak pernah pun belajar yang merayakan sambutan rakan-rakan beragama lain haram (selagi kita tidak melampaui batas dengan mempercayai elemen-elemen agama tersebut).

MAIM haramkan orang bukan Islam daripada menyebut perkataan berunsur Islam seperti Iman. Di Selangor pula, orang bukan Islam dilarang masuk ke Masjid. Babi dilontarkan kedalam Surau. Gereja pula dibaling molotov cocktail. Something is wrong in Malaysia dan pemimpin-pemimpin Islam kita bukannya nak mendidik umat Islam disini untuk bertoleransi tetapi mereka lebih mengapi-apikan isu-isu ini. Pakar agama yang dianggap moderate pula hampir dipenjarakan.

Apakah punca extremism ini? Entahlah cik Kiah, afiq pun tak tahu. Yang afiq pasti sekarang ini orang lebih gemar mengikuti agama dengan membabi buta. Mereka hanya mengiyakan apa yang didengar tanpa kaji selidik sendiri. Ini telah menyebabkan extremism diantara golongan Pseudo-religious iaitu orang-yang-selama-ni-tak-pernah-pun-peduli-pasal-agama-tiba-tiba-insaf-pastu-ingat-dia-dah-terer-agama-sebab-dia-dengar-ceramah-situ-sini.

Kepada pembaca yang terasa pedas, sila minum air. Sesudah minum air, sebelum menilai sesuat belajarlah latar belakang perkara tersebut dari pelbagai sudut, janganlah terus melayakkan diri anda sebagai pakar agama kerana hanya membaca beberapa blog-blog berunsurkan agama.

Selamat Hari Krismas dan Happy New Year!

SEKSUALITI MERDEKAL: A FACEBOOK DISCUSSION

In conjunction of Seksualiti Merdeka 2010, the organizers produced youtube videos of Malaysians coming out of the closet. It wasn't too well received by my facebook friends but when Nasrah Yang proclaim that "dia tak kena panah kilat lagi ke? macam siot je." something in me just broke loose. That started a string of discussions about this video.

Click the images to enlarge them:

Oh how I hate those cynical smiley faces. They might think it's cool, calm and 'Islamic' but it only reminds me of evil Disney characters.

SEKSUALITI MERDEKAL: A FACEBOOK DISCUSSION

I hope I can enlighten my viewers of what I've been discussing with my friends on facebook. We were discussing about the Saya Gay, Saya OK youtube video in conjunction of Seksualiti Merdeka 2010.

Honestly, I can't stand holier-than-thou folks so when I caught anyone with that attitude in action, I will instinctively attack them with everything I have.

Click the Image to make it bigger and read how our discussion went:

Oh how I hate cynical smiley faces. For them maybe it's cool and Islamic but for me it reminds me of evil Disney characters.

SEKSUALITI MERDEKA: A FACEBOOK DISCUSSION

AFIQ MENANG PHENOMENAL ART DIRECTION

Semalam afiq berkesempatan untuk hadir ke Astro's Nextgen Contentpreneur Awards 2010, pertandingan broadcasting yang dilangsungkan setiap tahun oleh Astro untuk mengiktiraf bakat-bakat muda. Filem pendek afiq yang berjudul Maria di-shortlistedkan dalam category Phenomenal Art Direction.

Rancagan anugerah ini dirakamkan untuk keluaran television (Astro Ria) so afiq tersangatlah resah kerana takut kalah tapi confident sebab tak akan menang. Konflik dalaman! Apabila afiq dengar yang ada 400 submission, sangkaan akan kalah tu dah terbayang-bayang so afiq tak kecoh sangatlah sebelum award night. Takde lah tulis status-status build-up dalam FB. Siap afiq tweet dalam twitter yang afiq confident 98% akan kalah, oh tolonglah 2% lagi!!!!

Long story short, Afiq dinamakan pemenang kategori yang dipertandingkan iaitu Phenomenal Art Direction. Anugerah ini ialah anugerah art direction pertama afiq jadi sekarang afiq boleh dengan bangganya menggelar diri afiq Award-Winning Art Director Muahahahaha! Maka bermulalah faux pas afiq yang paling besar malam itu.

Selalunya bila pemenang dipanggil, sepatutnya pemenang naik ke pentas dan exit melalui ruangan khas di belakang stage. Tapi afiq terlampau nervous sampai tak pedulikan formality tu. Afiq naik ke stage, ambil award, salam Hans Isaac dan terus lompat ke bawah kembali seperti parkour professional. Afiq baru perasan yang afiq salah bila pandang muka orang lain selepas afiq sampai ke kerusi afiq. Muka mereka macam "Ish budak ni pelik betul...."

Alamak! Sejurus selepas insiden tu, ada reporter panggil afiq untuk di-interview. Sewaktu di-interview oleh Astro Ria, afiq terketar-ketar juga. Nasib lensa camera berhenti di pinggang sahaja sebab lutut afiq terketar macam tiang rumah kayu pasangan yang baru kahwin.

Afiq memenangi sebuah trofi, wang 10 ribu ringgit dan peluang pekerjaan bersama Astro. Gila babs! Oh ya afiq juga terserempak dengan Nabil si protege Nora. Bukan Nabil tinggi tu tapi Nabil yang pendek. Kumpulan dia menang dalam salah satu category juga. Afiq sangat teruja sampai ke hari ini (ceh, baru sehari..) dan idea-idea filem baru pun mula membanjiri otak afiq yang seperti store room berhabuk sebelum ini.

Kepada anda yang belum menonton Maria, bolehlah tonton disini. Filem yang agak complicated ye so kalau yang faham tu, tahniah lah.

NAMAWEE 1MALAYSIA STORY MY ASS-LAH

Perjalanan impian rapper kontroversi Namewee untuk membuat filem 1Malaysia semakin menjadi-jadi sehinggakan hampir kesemua media berbahasa cina mengikut segala proses filem 1Malaysia Namewee. Afiq juga subsribe youtube Namewee dan selalu tonton video-videonya. Tapi setiap kali afiq buka video '1Malaysia'nya, mesti ada komen-komen yang tak berapa 1Malaysia yang bertimbun-timbun. Contohnya semalam afiq buka channel Namewee dan terserempak dengan pelbagai komen-komen yang memaki agama Islam dan bangsa melayu seperti:

Afiq memang tak suka mengamuk bila orang kutuk agama atau bangsa afiq jadi afiq hanya memberi komen short and simple:

Afiq rasa ramai rakyat berbangsa cina yang menyangka Namewee gagal untuk mendapat dana filem 1Malaysia kerana dia berbangsa cina.

Kenapa proposal pertama Namewee gagal? Sebab skrip Namewee berbahasa Mandarin. Dana filem 1Malaysia memerlukan skrip yang berbahasa 60% melayu. Itu sahaja! Bukan kerana Namewee orang cina tapi kerana dia tidak baca garis panduan dana filem 1Malaysia betul-betul. Apa salahnya kalau skripnya berbahasa nasional Malaysia iaitu BM? Kalau Ang Lee boleh buat filem BrokeBack Mountain, John Woo pula buat Face Off dan Danny Boyle: Slumdog Millionaire, kenapa Namewee tak boleh buat filem berbahasa Melayu? Kenapa?

Afiq juga faham kenapa Namewee dan penyokong-penyokongnya sangat defensive apabila dicondemn tetapi hakikatnya Namewee pernah merosakkan lagu Negaraku dan juga menyamakan Azan masjid dengan bunyi ayam jantan yang bising. Kontroversi tersebut telah membuatkan Namewee youtuber yang paling popular di Malaysia. Adakah manusia yang sebegitu akan diberikan layanan anak emas apabila dia mahu membuat filem yang bertujuan untuk menyatukan rakyat Malaysia? Kalau afiq merogol seorang wanita dihadapan orang ramai dan semua perogol lain bersorak gembira kerana kelakuan afiq yang berani, patutkan afiq membuat kempen anti-rogol?

Common sense! Common sense!

I ACCIDENTALLY MASTURBATED

Don't worrylah. By now you should already know that the video has nothing to do with Rosmah masturbating. Okay, euw. Ya, mental imej itu akan berkekalan sekurang-kurangnya sehingga seminggu!

Adakah anda tahu yang 96% remaja dalam lingkungan umur 14-18 tahun melakukan onani setiap hari? Serius afiq tak tipu. Afiq pun dapat maklumat ni sewaktu sex education class yang berlangsung 3 tahun berturut-turut di sekolah dulu. Memang hakikatnya, semua lelaki yang anda kenal dalam linkungan umur ini kuat toceng. Jangan marahkan mereka. Mereka buat semua ini supaya anda tak payah layan nafsu mereka yang membuak-buak. Kepada kaum wanita di luar sana, don't judge lah.

Organ seks anda didalam badan. Organ seks lelaki pula diluar. Sudahlah exposed, lepas tu sentiasa bergesel dengan seluar dan seluar dalam yang ketat. Cuba bayangkan kalau anda sendiri ada unsur stimulan (seperti dildo berbateri.. google jangan tak google) yang operational 24 jam berturut-turut? Tak ke anda jadi miang sambil bergesel-gesel di tepi pintu sambil meniup butterfly kisses pada pakcik jual ais krim atau abang postman.

So sebaiknya, janganlah ganggu 'alone time' remaja lelaki yang anda kenal. Kalau mereka nak pergi buang air kecil pukul 1.30 pagi selepas tengok movie Twilight janganlah marah kalau 10 minit kemudian mereka bagi alasan yang mereka sakit perut. Atau pun kalau mereka mandi sampai sejam tu, faham-fahamlah ye. Satu lagi kalau malam-malam mereka tiba-tiba kunci pintu selama 20-40 minit. Kalau ye pun nak ambil barang janganlah ketuk pintu macam She-Hulk sebab jikalau anda berbuat demikian, kaum Hawa akan dikaitkan dengan ketakutan terhadap seks maka Salim akan perlahan-lahan menjadi Sally.

Tapi jangan risau, selepas 18 tahun, remaja-remaja lelaki akan boleh control nafsu belia mereka. Waktu ni anda, kaum perempuan pula akan jadi teramat gatal sebab sudah cukup umur biological untuk mendapat anak. Akan tetapi, anda tidak akan meluahkan perasaan seksual ini dengan cara seksual tapi dengan cara emotional seperti sengaja membuahkan konflik dalam relationship, bergossip tentang rakan sekelas yang tak bersalah, membawa kereta dengan perlahan supaya menjengkelkan orang belakang dan menonton drama swasta religiously untuk mencari idea baru untuk drama anda sendiri.

Itu sahaja alkisah afiq pada minggu ini. Afiq akan bersandiwara lagi minggu depan dengan entry blog dan vlog yang baru. Now be a good chap/lass and Like my facebook page and Subscribe my youtube channel.

Oh ya, berhati-hati dengan fakers. Ada 2 account youtube yang menyamar jadi Afiq so jangan berkawan dengan account aflqsays (L dan bukan I) atau afiqsays hater. Mereka ni haters atau dalam kata lain, confused fans.

TEH BERSAMA DATIN SALLY DAN MISS J

Okay, Datin Sally dan Miss J tak ada kena mengena langsung dengan mana-mana Datin (hidup atau mati) tapi kelahiran dua-dua watak ini ialah daripada pemerhatian afiq di Starbucks pada satu petang yang berderai-derai di tempat shopping orang berada Empire Gallery. Contradiction.

Afiq perasan yang datin-datin yang afiq pernah terserempak amat suka show off tempat percutian mereka. France, Italy, Amsterdam, Fiji, Mauritius, Alor Setar tak pernah pulak. Barang-barang branded letak tepi, tak penting tapi scarf, pen dan accessories yang dibeli di kedai kraf negara-negara yang dilawat yang akan jadi barang show-off yang utama.

Geng datin-datin memang jarang berjumpa jadi kalau coffee bersama-sama, semua pakat potong line masing-masing. Semestinya Datin yang alpha dominant yang akan ada kuasa memotong conversation datin-datin yang lain dan mereka akan menghabiskan 3-4 jam memotong cakap satu sama lain sampailah semua datin menghembus nafas lega. Setelah puas orgasm menjaja nama-nama negara, tiba-tiba ada panggilan misteri di Blackberry. Sudah tibanya untuk mengumpul pengalaman baru untuk coffee bulan depan!

Minggu ini afiq nak cerita sikit sisipan percakapan yang afiq dengar iaitu Multiculturalism. Tiap-tiap datin ala-ala educated semuanya berforum tentang pentingnya bercampur dengan kaum lain tapi bila satu datin yang paling malu-malu beritahu yang anak dia berkawan dengan pemuda Somalia di England, tiba-tiba malaikat lalu di Starbucks. Senyap macam kubur cina baik. Datin, datin....

PROSES NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION AFIQ

Setelah 23 tahun hidup di bumi (ye, afiq dah berumur 23 tahun!) sudah 13 tahun afiq dikerah supaya membuat list New Year's Resolution oleh bonda yang tersayang lagi ditakuti. Every year, senarai standard lah, macam:

1. Jadi anak yang soleh

2. Tidak menyusahkan umi

3. Mendapat markah yang tinggi dalam perperiksaan

4. Be the Best I can be (mak aih corny nya)

5. Solat tak tinggal

dan lain-lain.

Semestinya No.5 berulang setiap tahun tanpa gagal. No.1 dan No.2 pun. No.3 selang-selang tahun dan No.4 ikut mood mak afiq. Tapi apa yang pasti, list ni akan disubmitkan pada mak afiq untuk di-approve. Kalau tak approve, kena buat balik dengan tulisan yang lebih menunjukkan effort pada kertas yang lebih ikhlas (kertas yang tak ikhlas = muka surat yang dicarik daripada buku latihan sekolah lama)

Tapi sejak kebelakangan ini afiq dah mula buat New Year's Resolution tanpa disuruh dan afiq perasan separuh daripada list afiq mesti akan termakbul. Mesti punya! No.5 je tak makbul-makbul. Tahun lepas afiq agak ambitious sedikit tapi sedikit demi sedikit, separuh impian-impian afiq semuanya jadi kenyataan. Tahun ni afiq nak over the top sikit. Afiq tengah consider nak tulis impian macam:

1. Makan malam bersama Paris Hilton di Hotel Hilton, Paris.

2. Mengarah dan menulis Feature Film afiq sendiri untuk ditayangkan secara awam.

3. Memenangi satu anugerah filem peringkat Asia

4. Menulis sebuah novel fantasy

5. Solat cukup

Alang-alang menyelup, biarlah solat cukup.

MESEJ KEPADA HATERS DAN PEMBENCI

Oh afiq ada agak ramai haters sejak afiq mula memblog. Anda yang baru mula baca blog afiq mesti tertanya-tanya, kenapalah orang nak bencikan blog yang informatif dan penuh isu-isu berunsur ilmiah ini? Actually, sebelum ini, blog afiq berbahasa inggeris dan menyentuh isu-isu yang kontroversi. Setelah 3 tahun aktif memblog, afiq dah mengumpul beberapa haters yang tegar. Mereka bukan sahaja pernah hack blog afiq selama beberapa minggu tapi juga membuat mirror blog yang bertujuan untuk memalukan afiq.

Afiq, pemuda 23 tahun yang single dan tidak ada prospek pekerjaan yang lumayan pun boleh mengumpul haters, apatah lagi si budak sensasi seperti Justin Bieber. Kasihan dia, kalau sejuta menyanjung dia, sejuta lagi akan bergasak untuk baling botol air semasa dia perform on stage.

Kepada pembenci dan haters Justin Bieber, adakah dia telah memperkosa adik perempuan anda sebelum mencuri kucing kegemaran keluarga anda? Adakah dia penyebab recession di Eropah dan Amerika Syarikat? Adakah dia bapa kepada ibu-ibu muda yang membuang anak di kilang kacang soya yang kebetulan disebelah pusat kitar semula? Kenapa anda benci dia sangat? Afiq rasa explaination yang paling simple ialah perasaan Schadenfreude anda terlalu membuak-buak sehingga meleleh-leleh di parit bibir anda yang terketar-ketar gatal.

Perasaan iri hati itu lebih baik kalau dimanifestasikan dengan tindak laku positif seperti menemani nenek india tua ke pasar untuk membeli rempah ratus atau shopping kain bersama ibunda tersayang di Kamdar sebelum raya (alamak flashback! stresssstressss) takpun menolong bapa anda trim pokok bonzai di depan rumah sebelum dimarahi kerana tidak menggunakan teknik bonzai yang betul.

Jadi tolonglah, haters-haters diluar sana, jadilah lovers dan belajar untuk membuka hati anda pada Justin Bieber. Mana tahu satu hari nanti dia sakit perut selepas makan nasi kandar (sewaktu showcase-nya di Malaysia) mungkin dia mahu meminjam tandas rumah anda. Tak ke rasa bodoh kalau anda benci Bieber sewaktu itu? Mixed feelings kepala hotak, dia Justin Bieber, kau siapa???

Me No Speaking Engrish!

Months ago, somebody asked me the thing I most dislike about myself on Formspring. My answer was "I appreciate what God has given me." Jawapan standard.

I actually hate my voice. I have a small small voice box with very little volume capacity and because of my lack of 'manly' hormones, I was born with a high frequency voice. High frequency voice + limited volume = Winnie the Pooh's Piglet's squeal.

Throughout high school, I somehow learnt what I lack in voice quality I can make up with ideas and enthusiasm. Soon after breaking out of my shell, I entered debate, speech, and poetry recital competitions and won most of them. To this very day, the thing that makes me loud is not my voice but the things I have to say and the way I say them.

I'm going to actively vlog soon and will come out with a video every week to improve my storytelling skills. The process usually takes ages (more like a whole day) because I have to repeat a sentence 10 to 20 times to get it right. This is because it has been 6 years since I speak english regularly. I am no longer comfortable speaking in my second language like I used to. Ergh.

Now I'm struggling to speak freaking english. I can't even remember my accent. Do I even have a specific accent? Ergh ergh ergh! Now I'm tongue-tied between chinglish, manglish and a hint of Puan Mathilda's british accent. Bak kata Ron Weasley "Bloody hell!"

Women and Their Superpowers

Apparently, only 15% women who cheat get caught whereas 1 in 5 men suffer the same fate. You know how women can justify themselves of almost everything (like how Wan Azizah tells us all that Anwar is a gift from God), I have a silly suspicion that women have the ability to justify their conscience.

To this very day I am guilty of smoking my first cigarette. Oh the agony, I'd a one week MC because the cigarette I smoked triggered my asthma. I never justified the fact that I inflicted pain upon myself and I will probably never ever smoke ever again.

But a girl who happens to be a friend of mine told me her first cigarette was caused by her long time depression, the disastrous break-up, her difficult relationship with her parents and the fact that she needs a distraction so she won't commit suicide. I nodded coolly upon hearing this while bold captions of "She's a psycho! Run Run Run!" rolled in front of my eyes.

When I broke up with my girlfriend I told her the truth "It's not you, it's me. You deserve better." Cliche as it was, I meant it. I'm not ready to get married. You deserve someone who is actually ready to take the next step.

When a girlfriend broke up with me she told me "Our relationship will only self-destruct, guys your type will never learn to make merry with free spirited people like me."

Make merry? Free spirited? Hello, Enyd Blyton called and they want their fairy back.

So guys, girls are excellent liars. They have the ability to lie to themselves and could even persuade themselves to join the dark side. There would be only 3 Star Wars movies if Anakin was a girl.

This explains why most tabloid and gossip reporters are pondak/bapuk/mak nyah/amfibia, because only half the things they write are real.

Malay Student's Dilemma

I was one of the many (thousands perhaps) students who lined up to apply for PTPTN loan for my studies. Behind me was a student with torn shoes and sun bleached jeans. No, he wasn't dressed that way because he was a grungy Kurt Cobain wannabe. He simply didn't have the means to buy new clothes. In front of me is a fellow roommate. His parents were relatively rich, having been chauffeured to Matrics by a driver in a rare Mercedes. He too was applying for PTPTN.

It dawned to me that the same amount of money I'm applying for was spent when our family went to Europe soon after my high school graduation. Wouldn't it make more sense that we opt for a cheaper holiday destination and used the money to pay for my studies?

My rationale at that time was because I was the one going to university, I will be responsible to pay the fees. And you know, it's okay because I'm not the only one.

I didn't want attention. I just wanted to remind them, so they can give me some slack.

Film Based On My Past

Niche is not a place. No, it's not how the french say Nice. It's also not the philosopher Nietchschszche. Niche is a focused, targetable market sector. A random FB stalker (I love stalkers and don't you know it haha) tell me that he is a part of this blog's niche readers.

Since when do I have niche readers? If I do, trust me, it is not at all intentional. I thought afiqsays is a mesh of random subjects I store in my brain.

Talking about a mesh of random subjects, I have decided to write a screenplay about my past. I think I have some good stories based on my past that can be adapted into films. I've always avoided making films about myself, because I thought that it will inflict unwanted pain but after writing about my past in my blog, the result is unmistakably therapeutic.

So yes, which part of my past do you think is more film-worthy?

a) Tahfiz: my experience in the Tahfiz

b) School: the complexities of interracial dating

c) Family: The abuse, divorce, transitions etc.

d) Crush: The complicated guy-guy crush

Road Euphoria and Pay

We've finally finished both PAY and Road Euphoria! Wooohooo!

Road Euphoria is precautionary tale of a person who seeks cheap thrills on the road but with a twist ending. Watch Road Euphoria here.

PAY is a commercial video/ad/PSA about the importance of paying attention while driving. You can watch PAY here.

Enjoy! If you have any qualms, questions or comments, you can just write in to me and I will respond personally as promptly as I can.

BMW Shorties Gala

Since Maria's disqualification, I have a little grudge against BMW Shorties but that didn't deter me from attending its Gala. I went to the Gala with my good friend Puteri and we had a lot of fun. Some chaos here and there but fun nonetheless.

We would stand at the most circulated corner and grab little h'orderves as we wait for our noir photograph to be printed.

At one point during the award presentation, Puteri looked at me and asked "How do you feel?" I answered "I feel like killing all of them." I was being brutally honest. I felt like I was denied of something I've wanted for years and I will, in due time, prove that I will surpass them (including the judges) in every way possible.

Then I smiled at Puteri "You want something to drink?"

Before I forget, Maria is in Women's Voices Now Film Festival's website. You can watch Maria here. Tweet about it, facebook-like it, vote for it, and relay your comments and criticisms to me so I can learn from you, you, you my future audience.

Komen Ustaz Ustazah di Blog Gossip

Tabloids are like candies. Very nice to consume but if we have too much of them, it can be hazardous to our health. And since there's no point of buying trashy magazines anymore (Internet ftw!) I read gossip blogs and websites.

If you're an avid gossip blog reader, you will notice something all gossip blog have in common. The content or subjects may vary but all of them have pictures of celebrities. And also, all of them have a string of comments from 'religious and concerned' readers.

There are so many holier-than-thou comments, you would think that PAS has a special branch to lecture the online community. Keyword alert:

1. Aurat

2. Dunia akhir zaman

3. Dosa

4. Tak ingat tuhan

5. Neraka

Menyampah, menyampah juga tapi hairannya kenapa ustaz-ustazah ni suka betul lawat blog gossip. Kalau dah tahu dosa, buat apa baca ye tak?

My favourite comment that sums my sentiments towards this type of commenters:

"Kalau dh islamik sgt takdenye kau nk baca post ni sbb nk tgk gambar artis. Kau pun dh sedia maklum artis ni pakaian camane. Kalau iman kuat takkan klik nk further read punya.cuba kau tanya diri sendiri apsal kau baca jugak.

A.sebab kau pun nk cuci mata
B.sebab kau nak tunjuk bagus dkt komen nk kondem semua yg kau rasa tak setaraf dgn kau iman dia

Baca belog gosip tapi nk ala-ala ustazah pulak.apehal"

Euphoria and Pay

A good friend of mine Muttaqee Misran wants to join Mufors Road Safety competition so I'm helping him out by writing a short film and a PSA. He is a very talented and ambitious DOP (director of photography) and cinematographer who happens to be on his way to becoming a doctor! Gila!

So this weekend we will shoot both videos.

Euphoria is a shortie about a guy who experiments with things that makes his heartbeat go gaga on the road.

Pay is a cause and consequences PSA about the importance of paying attention while driving. Pay attention or pay with your life. I'm picking a leaf from Thai ads by attempting to make this otherwise serious ad funny and unexpected.

And unlike Maria, it will be on youtube (and vimeo) so you guys can watch them when we're done.

My most recent short film Maria will be screened at Balai Seni Lukis Negara for Rantai.art on the 23rd of December. If you're going to Rantai.art, make an appointment with Maria. It will be worth your while. Oh, and I will be there to answer your inquiries. Fun fun fun!

Review of Estet by Mamat Khalid

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a private screening of the film Estet by Mamat Khalid a month ago. Here is my review of the movie.

If you're a fan of Mamat Khalid's sense of humor, I urge you to get your ass to a nearby cineplex and watch Estet.

As a budding (and learning) filmmaker, I hate hate hate describing a movie in detail because you know, what's the point of watching the actual movie when you know what's going to happen? What's the point? To show off as a film critic? Bah!

Personally, this is my least favourite Mamat Khalid film. It is as if everyone is trying too hard to incorporate many elements (1Malaysia being one of them) in what was supposed to be a feel good romantic film. While we're talking about romance, Estet teases its audience with the malay hero and indian heroine's budding love for one another BUT there is no fucking romantic relief! I wasn't too surprised because all Mamat Khalid films have sucky, dry and unsatisfactory endings.

The sequent and flow of the film is so badly constructed that I can't make sense of the interconnecting elements of the film. In layman terms, susunan babak yang mengelirukan dan tak membina.

Fortunately, Estet is a compilation of Ujang-type jokes. There are plenty of funny scenes to make a cynic like me a happy chap. The funniest would be the suicide attempt. Oh so so funny!

I read somewhere in the newspaper that Mamat Khalid is frustrated because he didn't win Best Film for Estet in Festival Filem Malaysia. It was said the some of the judges were biased and the column writer even compared his situation with the late Yasmin Ahmad's loss in FFM.

But actually ah macha, FFM aside, Estet is not an award-worthy film, not unlike the actual winner of FFM. There are plenty of good films by Malaysians but they never get to be nominated in FFM. (Instead they are recognized in Berlin, Japan, Venice and Cannes. Yes, we Malaysians are stuck with mediocre films made by mediocre filmmakers with self delusions of thinking they are all film mavericks and geniuses.)

All in all, Estet is worth watching for its jokes and not for its story, cinematography, music or anything else for that matter. If you're a fan, please fan the fire of this film so Mamat Khalid can make more unintentional anti-climax films. If you're not a fan, you can just wait for its TV premiere on the second day of raya(?) next year.

Balloon Shaping!

Oh I don't like balloons. I don't hate them but I don't love them either. Just now I decided to make animal-shaped balloons with my cousin Nael for his brother's birthday.

Cringe cringe cringe.

One word to describe the ordeal: Allahuakbar!

Maria Was Disqualified By BMW Shorties 2010

I am saddened beyond words. The reason cited was I won student competitions before even though BMW Shorties 2010 is an open competition for everyone. A representative called me and told me that Maria was disqualified and they changed the rules for next year's competition so Maria is an eligible competitor, even with its new theme.

When I first heard the news, I was angry beyond words. First of all, they are very very few film festivals in Malaysia so it is extremely difficult to be exposed in Malaysia. Secondly, I have only won student competitions and never ever entered open-for-all competitions.

It is so hard to make it here in Malaysia and BMW Shorties have poured molting hot salt water on my wounds.

Whatever it is, I am going to keep making films and learn from my mistakes and BMW Shorties will play no part in my journey to make the greatest film in the world.

Go ahead, mock my self-confidence and ambition. The fire in me is radioactive today.

What If I Was Gay?

My sexuality was a concern to many people around me. My family, my friends and strangers whom I have never met have indirectly hounded me to know where I stand. Am I gay, straight or bisexual.

Ah... labels.

Since I was very very young, I was very mild-mannered. I dressed up smartly, tucked in my t-shirts, wore vests and made sure that my socks match my shoes. Fortunately nobody called me 'Pondan' because I was quite a ruffian when my mother is not around so instead they called me 'Kertas' because my skin was fair and I like to make stuff out of papers.

When I approached my teenage years, I was an open book.

Who Am I? (Part 2)

You know, for the better part of the years I spent in this world, I always, always ask myself this question. Who Am I?

I personally do not believe that we were born with a constant personality. I am a strong believer in change that applies to every aspect known to man. This is why I don't believe in labels. And it is also the reason why I want to believe that I believe in labels, because if my personality is ever changing, I want to believe that everything else is not.

It gives me comfort to tell you that I think Lisa wants to be with Khai because Lisa wants a train ride to a posh lifestyle. This may not be true. It also might be true now or later, or it might not be true at all. I want to believe that my presumptions are true so I not will hate it, because I hate everything that changes.

The only thing constant about me is the puzzling fact that I both believe and hate change. I believe and hate stuff. That is my relationship with everything I believe in in this world. I believe in love and I hate it. I believe in trust and I hate it. That is why I hurt my family a lot. That is why I keep breaking the hearts of the people I love, the people I believe in. And that is why I hate myself. Every fucking day, I hate myself. I want to destroy myself and at the same time I want to change. I believe in myself. I hate myself.

I hate change. I believe in change and I hate it.

I hate it.

Nostalgia

The most modern definition of the word Nostalgia is 'wistful yearning for the past'. I never yearned for my past but it keeps on sneaking on me. It wants me to tell its stories. Maybe it wants me to make a film out of it. Maybe.

Last night I dreamt the day I was sent to the Tahfiz, a sekolah pondok to some.

Hot and humid wind whizzed through the crevices of the taxi's window and into the sleeves of my new white robe. I smelled of factory-fresh cotton. I looked at my mother and looked back outside. She was not looking at me. She was looking outside too.

I clutched a small Quran tightly in my hands. If I could, I would compress the Quran into a ball of marble and leave it in the taxi. There is a bucket beside me with toiletries my mother bought from Giant. There were all green and labeled MADBA, my initials. This is my new name now, MADBA.

I was surprisingly calm. I was empty. I was emptied. The taxi driver hit a bumper violently and made the windscreen tilt open. The surge of wind blew my fringe and tickled my eyes. The wind was warm and sickly. I quickly closed the windscreen shut. If I had known that that was the last time I'll be able to feel the sensation of sharp threads of hair stinging my face to the rhythm of the wind, I would have left the windscreen open and basks in its playful twinge. But I didn't.

I looked outside. It was raining. It stopped raining. It started drizzling. "Make up your mind!" I looked at my mother again. She was talking to the taxi driver. I looked outside. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Cars and buildings. Motorcycles and shops. Roads and more roads. A left corner. A small road. A big toad. "Jom Afiq, dah sampai." Something fell in my stomach. It was heavy. It made me breathe harder. I took a deep breathe and lifted that thing to oblivion. I sensed a smile. I looked outside and there was an Ustaz looking down on us from the balcony of the Tahfiz building. I didn't smile back and busied myself with my bags and bucket and blanket.

Some older kids in white robes and white turbans rushed out from the white house and carried my bags without any hesitation. They knew I was coming. Everything was planned. My mother proceeded to the Tahfiz's office. I followed her. There is a distant rumbling from outside and as we neared the office, the reverberation revealed itself as a collection of incoherent readings of the Quran by dozens of children.

I waited at the office while the Ustaz talked to my mother.

What

No Comment!

I recently met a very opinionated filmmaker and I talked to him a bit about films. Then I showed Maria, the most recent shortie I made. He hated it. I asked him to tell me his honest opinion on it. His comments were fiery and he questioned almost everything about Maria. I am usually at my calmest when I talk about film but because he was so very opinionated, I had to be even more tactful with my response.

And then it hit me, I don't want to be like this guy. Oh my God, maybe I am already Him! And then the thought ricochet "No, I'm not him, yet. I've tried my very very very best to be as open minded as possible when it comes to film. I watch indie, hindi, horror, malay, thriller, action, kungfu, surrealism, art house etc and I never ever discriminate!"

I've also discovered long ago that it is not good to be opinionated about films. It personally limits my range and yes, there is that little issue with Karma or subliminal conditioning. For example, if you hate 'bad' malay films so much, you will end up inclined to making such films. The brain does not recognize the word Hate, No, Bad. It only process information. Like in Inception: Don't think about elephants!

I've watched Abbas Kiarostami's Close-Up and Ming Liang Tsai's Wayward Cloud yesterday. Today's homework is Luis Bunuel's That Obscure Object of Desire.

Racist and Bigoted Datuk Johari Abdul Ghani

Now, THAT is what I called a racist. That person right there is the reason why malay malaysians like me still have second thoughts about supporting the BN machine.

My only hope is that he is one of the few 'nila' in the milk-filled 'belanga'. This kind of mentality is fueled by an indelible inferiority complex by the malay constituency and community.

Sad. Let's spread this video until he is forced to resign or get fired from UMNO. Let's show all Malaysians that we don't accept this kind of behavior from anyone.

It's Time To Grow Up

I think I have to get ready to be independent. Work, House, Money.

Scary stuff. But it's time.

If were up to me, I want to live with my parents and make independent films. But my parents live in Alor Setar and I don't have any financial backing to keep making independent films. I've been living with aunt for a year and I think it's high time to start looking somewhere else to live.

And work. I need a permanent job. It's time to make brand new resumes and send it to production companies.

I can't believe that I'm the first person in my family to start working and living independently. It's super scary since I've no one to look up to in this particular phase of life.

Oh well, as scary as it seems, I'm up for it!

Wingardium Leviosa!

Let's Talk About Mak

Anxious. Excited. I missed him so much that I have already prepared a to-do list the moment I heard he was coming to Alor Setar. Unlike most siblings I know, Hadi, Saiful and I share a strange and ritualistic bond. When we're together, no matter how old we get, we will act and talk and eat like we do ten years ago. We are each other's friends, enemies, victims, jury and judge. Whenever are together, we would flock with each other and ignore everyone around us, making and laughing at our jokes and meticulously preparing pranks just for the sake of it.

My uncles and aunts would scold us for not socializing with everyone else in the family. Well, they just don't understand where we stand. I live in Kuala Lumpur, Hadi's in Alor Setar and Saiful is living with my mother in Sabah so our sibling reunion is limited to a week every year. I have only myself to blame. I masterminded our family disintegration and although I am convinced that it was for the best,

MMM and Let's Talk About Mak

I am planning to make Misteri Maskara Maroon or The Maroon Mascara Mystery in December. The 20 minutes short film is an investigation-type docufiction revolving around a mysterious murder threat SMS sent to members of an apartment's welfare association.

In early November, I'm making Let's Talk About Mak, a 5 minute short film that will be shot entirely in a car. It is actually a real story based on a conversation I had with my brother in a car.

A surreal and violent docufiction and a simplistic one-shot-wonder shortie! A world of difference but both are a tribute to Abbas Kiarostami, a filmmaker I'm studying now.

Toilet Thoughts

I was reading the latest furor about the Monte Carlo's Islamic Fashion Festival in the toilet just now and it occurred to me that I haven't been blogging about anything controversial lately. I think it happens as you get older. I was impressionable back then and I harbored a hangat-hangat tahi ayam dream to be an activist. Although I don't know that the future holds for me now, I do know for certain that I want to be better in filmmaking.

I'm still super pissed that I lost in MAViC and every time I hear news about the competition my blood boils as the 10-tailed Jinchuriki inside me grunts "See you motherfuckers in Cannes!"

On a lighter note, I am writing a screenplay about a Kebaya-ed Lorena Bobbit as the third installation of my Kebaya Chronicle while waiting for BMW Shorties's Top Ten announcement on the 15th of November. Nervous gila babing! I hope Maria grabs a spot. I think this is the most challenging film competition I've ever entered because not only will I compete with professionals, I have no idea what the judges are looking for. Mari ubah topik.

I went to Empire's Jazz Festival and was immediately hooked with the very concept of jazz music. So yes yes yes, jazz music in my upcoming film!

Studying The Oldies

well

The Mob Mentality

General Election is coming up.

Hindraf. Perkasa. UMNO. PAS. Islam. Christianity. Anything that is communal by nature is a perfect habitat to rouse mob mentality. Mob mentality enforce people's sense of conviction. Conviction are more dangerous enemies of the truth than lies -Nietzsche. And that's that.

That's that.

Anyone who opposes the conventions set up by these communities, especially when the system was intended for them will be considered as the opposition, and there you go, another community is born. People who are neither the convention nor opposition are anarchist. You are not enlightened. It is as it is.

Everyone knows this. I know this. Everyone doesn't care. I don't care. What I do care about is when we fight each other because our rage works in unison. How can we curb conviction? By explaining the truth before conviction grows. But what is the truth? Please reread this blog entry.

Spooky Classic Malay Pantun

Children stories are often scary, dark and off-putting. Rock-a-bye Baby anyone? Or Humpty Dumpty. And let's not forget J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan. Far from the Disneyed version of Peter Pan, the real Peter Pan is not something I think children should read and thank god they don't. They just watch the watered down cartoons and films.

Maybe children are more receptive towards stories that are Tim Burton in nature. Maybe.

This got me thinking. I want to make a short short short film on a classic malay pantun and translate it in a way that would spook the living hell out of kids and parents alike.

I'm already storyboarding it now. You'll get to see what I'm talking about in a week or two.

Best Tak?

Like everyone else around me, my film rating system is simple: Best, Tak Best, OK, Bolehlah...

But only God knows what I really feel about the films I watched. I had to pretend to like Avatar because if I professed my repulsion towards the film, people will just think I'm a contrarian. For the same reason, I don't go off telling everybody that I love the Happening. And yes, I don't talk to people about films that nobody seems to watch. Why should I? Because it's a strictly personal affair.

But when I showed Maria to several people, they were polite enough to ask me "Who are your target audience for this film?" a winding way of telling me that this film is not understandable to a mass audience. I get it. I really do. But still, to me, it doesn't matter. Because it's a strictly personal affair.

I've been blessed to be attracted to all kinds of films, Hollywood and Bollywood, commercial and independent, love and war, period and sci-fi, Park Chan Wook and Park Chan Wook. So does it matter that a film is Best or Tak Best? How can I be the judge of what's what? So I keep my mouth closed and mind open when it comes to film. Because it's a strictly personal affair.

Drained

I submitted the short film I made for BMW Shorties yesterday. The moment I handed it in, I was so tired, I slept the remaining of the day off. It was an exhausting journey, from the inception of the idea to the execution. It took me almost 3 weeks to write, storyboard, cast, shoot and edit the short film. But it was all well worth it. I loved every second of making Maria.

I had the best crew ever. Muttaqee Misran is one hell of a perfectionist Director of Photography but he followed my cinematography exactly as I have envisioned it. Kabir was super efficient and Aman Wan was like a sponge. The make up was perfectly executed by Natalia and the cast did their very best to portray my ideal Maria and Jah.

With a budget of only RM1000, I think we pulled off a pretty descent shortie!

Here's 'Jah' and the make up artist Natalia during our third break during the shoot. It was 5 in the morning and the rest of the crew were taking a power nap including the actress who played Maria, Charlene Wong.

The shoot started from 10pm and ended in the morning, about 7 am.

Muttaqee got mad at me for taking a picture while shooting. Hehehe.

This is Maria after we drenched her with fake blood. The blood tasted like strawberry, mmmm.

The Top 10 announcement will be on the 15th of November. Pray for us!

Maria: Coming Soon

Maria is under construction! Watch Maria's teaser:

And here is sneak peak of Maria behind the scenes. In this bit, I am demonstrating a stun to the actresses and being my extremely macho self, haha.

Macho gila!

Shooting Maria

I've been very secretive about my upcoming short film Maria. Not much is known about it other than its name. Well, I just didn't want to blog about it because I feared that people's response to it will divert my vision.

We just had our rehearsal and we'll start shooting tomorrow.

My crew are a bunch of very very talented people. Muttaqqee is very talented cinematographer and I was surprised when I found out that he is actually a medic student! Kabir who is studying architecture is a very resourceful and dependable producer. Aman Wan, my assistant director is an up and coming comic artist and he is naturally gifted in filmmaking.

Maria is a story about an encounter between a middle age woman and a young lady at a children's playground. The obvious message of this film is emotional waste and how it pollutes generations after generations.

How does Maria relates to BMW Shorties theme: 0% Wastage?

My understanding of wastage is simple. Waste are things that we left behind that will corrupt mother nature. I wasn't too fond of making a literal interpretation of 0% wastage so I introduced a wider paradigm that deals with the concept of waste. I focus on the extreme 100% wastage and its effects to make people realize the significance and importance of 0% wastage.

It's like making a doomsday movie. People's immediate reaction to this type of movie is to live their life to the fullest. Movies that shows people living their life to the fullest in order to illustrates the benefits of such lifestyle will appear haughty, imposing and holier-than-thou. So that's why.

Maria is also genre-less. I used effective elements from different genre of films like noir, horror, thriller and fantasy as the foundation of Maria. So in this sense, it is an experimental piece.

Shooting will commence tomorrow and I'm super duper excited (and worried).

Godspeed!

The Geek I Really Am

I don't know if I've told you this, but I don't read heavy novels, sketch 'art' on my sketchbook or listen to World music everyday. Don't get me wrong, I surrender myself to creative-type douche-nism every now and then. But what I am, is a geek. A geek. Here is a list I made that pretty much sealed my identity as a geek.

1. Anime or manga inspired wallpaper. Every week or so I will select a worthy fan-made wallpaper to adorn my working space. My favourite: DeathNote, Full Metal Panic, Eureka Seven, Code Geass.

2. The subsequent anime or manga inspired facebook profile picture. Because sometimes it's fun to put myself in the anime/manga I love. Sometimes jelah ye.

3. Do you know people who discuss in length about animes and sometimes get themselves into feuds with fellow otakus? Have you ever been in a fight with the stubborn Gil Arrowhead? Hello, I am Gil Arrowhead.

4. I have fantasy names like Gil Arrowhead. Gil is the first name of Gil-Galad, the King of Noldor. Arrowhead is an arrow head I bought from a LOTR merchandise shop in Amsterdam that I keep to this day at a secret location. I have entrusted myself to retrieve the arrowhead once I acquire enough knowledge to cut through all man-truths and achieve elf-like wisdom. That or when I turn 30. 7 years to go ftw.

5. Masashi Kishimoto makes more sense than Socrates to me. (Paksu, bila nak bagi balik buku itu?) Anwar Ibwahim? Puh-leez.... Lelouch (of Code Geass) is my meter of revolution. Eragon is my hero. Dragonair is my pet of choice. I want sharigan eyes. I want a girlfriend like Tessa Testarossa.

6. Tessa Testarossa? She is the cause of my many midnight accidents.

7. I prefer eating in a pirate ship restaurant that serves crappy food anytime of the day. More themed restaurants please!

8. Haruka Kanata has the power to make me work 200% harder in anything I do. If I listen to this song while smashing belacan with a lesung, the lesung will crack. Ya, begitu semangat sekali.

This is of course an exemption but in real life, I will never admit of being a geek, mainly because it never shows (I'm a closeted geek) and I don't talk about my stash of Shinchan comics underneath my bed.

The only thing that I don't cover as a geek is that I don't like to play games. I play very few games like Tekken, Naruto Battle and Armored Core but that's about it.

In the future, I would like to take part in a Cosplay competition. With my thick eyebrows and ever-erecting hair, I could easily pull off an awesome Bezita!