You know, for the better part of the years I spent in this world, I always, always ask myself this question. Who Am I?
I personally do not believe that we were born with a constant personality. I am a strong believer in change that applies to every aspect known to man. This is why I don't believe in labels. And it is also the reason why I want to believe that I believe in labels, because if my personality is ever changing, I want to believe that everything else is not.
It gives me comfort to tell you that I think Lisa wants to be with Khai because Lisa wants a train ride to a posh lifestyle. This may not be true. It also might be true now or later, or it might not be true at all. I want to believe that my presumptions are true so I not will hate it, because I hate everything that changes.
The only thing constant about me is the puzzling fact that I both believe and hate change. I believe and hate stuff. That is my relationship with everything I believe in in this world. I believe in love and I hate it. I believe in trust and I hate it. That is why I hurt my family a lot. That is why I keep breaking the hearts of the people I love, the people I believe in. And that is why I hate myself. Every fucking day, I hate myself. I want to destroy myself and at the same time I want to change. I believe in myself. I hate myself.
I hate change. I believe in change and I hate it.
I hate it.