Our Malaysian 007?

Malaysians are known for our ability to assimilate foreign cultures and intergrate them to suit our taste. If you think Malaysians are blockheads with heads up our asses, you must be either a politician or a politician. My Tok Nab makes spaghetti melayu yo, you know the kind that has to be tumis-ed with a bit of belacan, garlic and palm oil.

Back when globalization was in full swing, we adapted the syndicated Bond movie and made our very own Gerak Kilat with Jefri Zain as the agent with the licence to kill. "Nama saya Zain, Jefri Zain."

Singapore was still a Malaysian state then. When we seperated, we killed P. Ramlee, made rubbish movies and sprout a new movement, the livelier than life Indie scene. Soon the movie business will be in full swing again and there'll be a time when future producers (who were once demonized indie filmmakers) will start to think to make a big budget action movie. Add the must-have ingredients like big explosions, chasing helicopters, the most expensive car of that time (to be crashed and exploded), expensive disposable buidings (to be exploded) and a tonne of Brylcreem and voila, our very own Bond movie. What's missing are the actors and actresses.

Who will play James Bond, the suave womanizing secret agent cum assasin?

Imagine a peaceful wide view scenery of Pulau Redang. A posh kenduri kahwin is on its way by the beach and the bride as it seems, is crying under her feathery veil. As she walks to the pelamin, the evil-looking crowd looks on, gritting their teeth and exchange piercing gazes to eachother. She sits on her pelamin chair. Her new husband, a mafia who owns a franchise of illegally imported belacan flashed a gatal smile.

A few miliseconds before the mafia kiss his wife for the furious Mangga and URTV photographers, a speedboat plummets from nowhere. A well suited man on the boat grabs the bride by her hips, gently throws her into a cushy mattress in the boat, pulls out a grenade and cordially greets the awe-struck crowd with an "Assalamualaikum." BOOOOM!

The speedboat escapes the explosion by a mere second. The bride strips off her wedding gown, revealing a sexy batik ensemble by Tom Abg Saufi. "Oh Abang Bond, rupanya awak tak melupai janji manis awak bulan lepas." Siti grabs the protective pole and immerse herself with the wind so she could show off her hourglass figure without being dubbed as sexually provocative by the Censorship Board. Datuk Khalid Jiwa smiles and caresses his thick moustache. "Semanis-manis janjiku dan air sirap catering tadi, manis lagi senyuman saudari."

Who will play James Bond, the sweet talker with a dictionary of narratives?

"Tangkap dia!" a mandur of an illegal paddy processing factory shouts to his men. A group of Indonesian men gives chase to a handsome man in bernama shorts and British-India casual shirt who had sneaked his way into the factory.

Bond hides behind a tree trunk, takes out an astro remote control from his pocket and press the mysterious red button. The paddy field opens up mechanically and a platform rises with a red Mazda RX8. (we can only afford to explode this model) Bond sprints his way to the car, shuts the bullet-proof windows to evade bullets shot by the immigrants. He takes out his astro remote control and dials in a code.

The mandur orders a hault. "Diam! Diam!" he hears a hissing sound coming from the gates surrounding the illegal factory. He runs to the gate and finds out that the hissing comes from lit TNTs strapped to the gates. BOOOOM! Karam Singh Walia makes his way to the main road and opens the car window to let in fresh air "Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi."

Who will play James Bond's booty call who will eventually die after being deflowered by Bond?

Zarina Ann Julie

Who will play M, the hard-ass head of secret service?

The TUDM General contemplates on bombing a van packed with explosives parked at Seri Rampai LRT station. (the government already approved the free demolition by movie producers to minimize government spending) M frowns and calls for Miss Money Penny played by Sheila Rusli. "Get me Bond, get me Bond now!" "Ya segera tanter." Miss Money Penny returns to her desk to continue with the latest scoop on Norman Hakim's adultery case to her good friend as quickly as possible so she could call Bond.

"What we have here is a no-brainer. I say just bomb the goddamn station before it detonates and kill millions!" The General spits in his Maxis coffee mug. "But thousands will perish if we bomb it now, without notice." said M as she walks to the projection screen and points at the google map indication of the LRT station which is just beside an indication of Rumah Kenduri Kahwin Ashari dan Aisyah.

"I'm sorry madame, I think you don't have the balls to act on situations like this." The General sips a bit of coffee from his Celcom mug to enhance the aftertaste of his knock-out sarcasm. "That may be, but remember General, I don't have to spend most of my time thinking about them too. Money Penny! Have you contacted Bond yet?" "Iya, sudah tanter, katanya, dia enggak mboleh. Dia ada hal sedikit di bank di Ampang, ATM kadnya ditelann." Money Penny speeds off to her desk to sort things out with a chinese mechanic who's waiting for Bond outside the bank to get his payment for replacing the Mazda RX8's coolant container.

"We have 5 more seconds until detonation. What's your call M?" The General takes a Digi mug and throws it to the projection screen, turning the screen Celcom-blue.

"I, I, I...... I..."