Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Mistakes are shared. Children learn from their parents’ mistakes and often have the insights from their parents to straighten their own path to avoid the same mistakes. But when mistakes are done to children, and with no sense of apology as to admit them, mistakes are bound to escalate within inflicted children as they grow up, unconsciously or not.

There’s not a day I don’t miss her. Not a day passed without her shadow lurking behind mine, clinching my conscience. I walk past those shadows and loathe how it resembles mine. How I’m becoming the very thing I hate about the very person I love. I can see how her mistakes are becoming mine and how my mistakes are becoming an embodiment of myself.

Contrary to popular belief, love does not heal anything nor does it play a role in mediating mistakes. Love is a natural process. It is a process to build as it is a process to destroy. In any comprehensible terms, love is still, within the limit of human understanding, unconditional. It simply means love is there and hey, do whatever you want with it.

But love will never discredit mistakes. The notion of love being the silent apologizer is preposterous. Why then do we have to beg for forgiveness from God for all our sins? Shouldn’t loving God suffice as an apology?

I know she will never admit her mistakes. I know she thinks that her mistakes are all justifiable and how they are not intended by her. I know she thinks she made them because she had no other choice. I know she feels that her mistakes weren’t even mistakes to begin with. I know all this, and despite my acute reasoning, I await the moment when I can prowl behind her back and nudge her repeatedly with accusing Aha-s.

"Dream on." I will tell myself each time that thought resurface. "Dream on."

My animosity is feeding my indifference. My indifference is feeding my ego. My ego is feeding me with 'principles'. And my principles is telling every other part of my conscience to shut the fuck up.

Only I can stop the cycle from repeating its wheel of fire. I am aware of this. I am very aware of this. At the same time, I am a servant of my own ego and the burden of holding in so much is wearing out my patience and turning every painful memories into spiteful vengeance.

The fire is nearing. Is my bucket of water enough to keep me from burning myself? Will it be ever enough to wash away the fire altogether. Or will I fight fire with a more powerful fire and join the cycle?


Puteri said...

Perhaps.. the cycle of fire need not be aggravated. Instead, leave it as it is, let it burn til it can't burn no more.

Then rethink whether its worth the aftermath... because only you know what caused the fire in the first place. And whether it's really necessary.

I so suck with speaking in codes and philosophical terms, but I hope you get my drift, afiq =)

Afiq Deen said...

Let it burn til it can't burn no more eh... It is highly possible and such a thing can happen but I'm not sure I can stand the heat.

We malays are born gifted in the Berkias department. ; )

-one- said...

Assalamulaikummmm!...Hi afiq.... i been so busy couple of days... now stealing some time to catch some blogs. the halloween a big hit on ur blog huh, i didnt read all the post.. halfway semua like english competition with big words and then it just gone stupidly messy doesn't make sense to me... anyways..ritz guy got wrong place for halloween lah.
there were themed events in 1 Utama, Pavillion and Bukit bintang and couple of hotels restaurants with buffet offers. anyhoo i went to the 1 Utama one... fuyoo decorations dia menarik betul... yg funny giler when seeing all the brader2, aweks2, akak2, makcik2 muka with hantu face paints pakai tudung..ahahahhh.. ada yg pakai baju kurung lagi tuh... xtahan ketawa!... radio ran special promos on Fly Fm and Hitz FM..aptly named "Hello" & "Win" = 'Hellowin'...hehe....religious celebration?.... realistically, Halloween..more or less just a commercial value in lil old urban malaysia i think kan.

on another note, love may not really heel, but i personally belief time does in some way. i envy you, you got so much spare time on ur hands huh to contemplate all sorts of things...hehe. but not too much... gotta remember to keep on moving full steam ahead ya!

like the Madba. :-P

Adios dude!

Ralph said...

Hey, i'm quite amused of the ways on how you write. COz ur English is just too good. Without language abusing, and you;re able to choose the right words to express yourself. KEep it up. Blog often. when i'm free. i'll read your blog. HEHE.

Afiq Deen said...

waalaikumsalam. Like Valentine's Dau, Halloween only has commercial value. I think that's the only time costume shops make their yearly profit. Spare time? Teehee. I only spend an hour a day blogging. Just one hour a day, 4 times a week. Less time than I would usually spend in a bathroom for a week.

hiya my chinese gay friend. See siapa kata I'm not open minded...