Sepuluh Benda Yang Kamu Patut Tahu Apabila Bermastautin di Malaysia

Have you heard about the Chad student who was stabbed to death by a malay youth? Call me a racist but as a IIUM student with many international friends, I find it hard to not stereotype foreigners because the stereotype often fits them. And the best part of all this is that as it seems, foreigners inflicted by stereotyping never made any effort to improve themselves.

And by improve themselves I mean socially climatizing to our culture. Here's a Top 10 Most Important Things Foreigners Should Know When Living In Malaysia

1. Roads are not pavements for loitering. Roads are where kiasu Malaysian drivers kill each other. Unless you want to contribute to our amazing death toll statistics, be safe and avoid sitting, loitering, eating, feasting or walking on tarred roads.

2. Keep your noise to the minimum at night. Malaysians in general like their nights silent and noise-free. Even during celebrations, our nights are very quiet. So restrain yourselves from dancing your night away in homes. Have you heard sexual grunting or shouting from Malaysian homes? Exactly. Your climax Allahuakabar is for us, infinitely disturbing and religiously wrong. We have allocated special places where people can make all their nonsensical noise like night clubs and the parliament.

3. We do not express our dissatisfaction by scolding. We simply keep it to ourselves and bitch about it later to people we're sure have no relation to the person we're bitching about. If the need to scold is necessary, please don't shout. Mumbling is okay-lah. Telling it as it is still tolerable. But don't shout. Compensate shouting with piercing sarcasm instead.

4. To talk to a friend who lives two blocks from you, it is custom here to SMS or misscall him/her before going to his/her room to converse. Conversing loudly outside your windows are very unusual practice here. If you feel the need to do so, get yourself two plastic cups and a string and voila, a communication service with no hidden charges.

5. Our passion is our food so insulting our food is like insulting us. When we offer a plate of Nasi Lemak, take the damn Nasi Lemak and shove it down your throat like you haven't eaten for weeks. Yes, we all think that not eating for weeks is norm from where you're from, we have Discovery Channel. Tell the person who gave you the Nasi Lemak that your tears are tears of happiness.

6. Learn how to speak Malay. Because we're fed up of accomodating tourists to their every whims. We're fed up of having to resort to sign language to convey information. Learn the language beforehand if possible. If you didn't, learn it now. Start by memorizing and understanding all kinds of Nasi Gorengs and Nasi Lemak toppings. I bet you didn't speak arabic when you visited United States of England. Why should this country be any different?

7. Don't get angry when somebody confuse you for a Chad nationality when you're actually Somalian. It doesn't matter. Have a sense of continental patriotism for God's sake and be thankful that we didn't mistaken you for an Orang Asli. You haven't met any Orang Asli yet? They came here a few hundred years ago and disrespected our culture so we put them away in forests and call them the people of origin.

8. You ain't no gangsta son!

Cut it out. Stop making fun of yourselves. The gangsta culture is not African. It's african american's. Sheesh. We have enough Indian gangstas to supply us their home grown hip hop beats. Opt for a more african influence. Sean Kingston Yo! Ya baggie cloth and ya hommie lingo ain't na foolin' the best of us mann. Be yourself mann. Be Afrikann.

9. Respect your hosts. We may be small, quiet and courteous but that doesn't mean we can't kick your ass if you disrespect us. So respect our culture and be quiet and courteous. We've adapted your B.O. and strange smells coming out from your kitchens so get your smiling gear working and SMILE at Cik Timah and Pak Tam and their drug addict son Leman. Tips: Learn a few things or two from Dato' M. Daud Kilau: Senyumlah, senyumlah Che Mek Molek...

10. Be more like Dina Salah. She speaks fluent Malay, generally polite to all her Malaysian friends and embraced our colourful Malaysian culture. She listens to Siti Nurhaliza and Mawi. Her favourite phrase is Best Giler!