Oklahoma

I used to play this song in my room every morning before and after I go to school when I was in highschool. It'll drive my mother mad for some reason. But what was I to do? I mean I needed my father the most when I was passing through adolescence and not having him around during my whole transition was such a downer. But we still managed to communicate. He bought me a cell phone (which during those days was a priviledge) and we would talk to each other once a week as agreed.

We would meet once or twice a year where my father will take us to a hotel and chill. Waiting in the hotel rooms are presents he bought from Semenanjung. Seeing how excited he was when he showed me the presents, I played along and pretended to be excited. I never cared about the presents. Having him with me for two days was too awesome in comparison to be excited over jedi swords or mini scooters. He would take us out to play with our toys and he will take photographs of us playing. It pained me to see how he compressed a year's worth of emotions into two days'. Sometimes when we were playing, I would catch him sobbing and when I asked him whether he is okay, he will fake a cough "Tersedaklah bang.."

When I was smaller, we would usually wrestle and tickle each other silly in the hotel room but as I passed his handshake test, he compensated wrestling with a lot of outdoor dining. The handshake test is when he would ask me to grip his hands as tight possible and to pass this test, I had to inflict pain on him. When I was 5 years old, my father would routinely ask me "Tang tung tang, tak tang tung tang?" I passed when I looked at him with a fazed expression. Only when the question is considered nonsensical will he move on to other sets of tests.

Deep inside me I knew his undying love for us was tainted with regrets. He regretted what he did and what came out of his past mistakes and it killed me to see how he suffered the consequences. During the whole duration of the trip, I never asked him why he did the things he did because I knew he suffered enough. I knew back then that not only that he has to live every second of our absence with regret, the thought of leaving us fatherless had cut deep into his conscience and hurt his morale. So I smiled even though I wanted to cry with him. I laughed even though I wanted to question him. I put all my doubts into a suitcase and kept it in the attic with a sign 'to be opened soon' posted on it.

His yearly trips were the most awesome two-nighters of my life but I had to put a cork in my excitement when I got back home so I wouldn't hurt my mother's feelings.

And once I got back home, I will shut the window, cover any openings to insulate my room (to make it sound proof), play Oklahama and let my tears do all the singing.