10 Benda Yang Sakit Dipijak

I'm a very clumsy guy. I fell from high places more than I should in a lifetime. I've been told that I'm very lucky to have survived some of my major accidents. The most annoying kind of accidents are those that are avoidable and that includes stepping on something painful.

So here's a list of the 10 top most painful things you can step on.

10. Tahi kucing. Memang tak sakit kaki tapi sakit hati. Baunya kuat dan teksturnya pula berkrim.

9. Butang capal. Selalunya kalau datang lambat ke masjid, selipar akan tersadai beberapa meter dari entrance jadi dalam perjalanan keluar, kita terpaksa pijak selipar dan kasut lain. Kalau terangguk-angguk semasa dengar khutbah Jumaat, balasan minima-Nya ialah terpijak butang capat apabila keluar masjid.

8. Anak tangga ajaib. Kita ada body memory. Badan kita sudah hafal bilangan anak tangga jadi kalau menaiki tangga sewaktu gelap dengan tiada masalah. Tapi apabila turun tangga waktu siang, kadang-kadang kita ter-over konfiden dan memijak anak tangga yang ajaib. Akibat terpijak angin, kaki pun terhentak pada anak tangga yang solid.

7. Paku payung. Paku payung paling sakit kalau terkena bucu kaki.

6. Paku konkrit. Kalau ada construction tour, pakai kasut berjenama teguh yang beralas besi. Jangan jadi macam aku dan pakai crocs. Tak pasal-pasal kena tetanus shot.

5. Cermin mata. Sebab cermin mata senang patah/pecah dan mahal gila babas. Lagi-lagi kalau terpijak spek Dior yang dibeli dengan keringat sendiri.

4. Zip seluar yang bertaburan. Aha, satu lagi balasan-Nya.

3. Sisa kaca gelas yang pecah pagi tadi.

2. Lead pensil mekanikal. Ia tajam, panjang dan rapuh. Kita juga terpaksa menjalankan operasi surgical menggunakan alat-alat seperti pemotong kuku dan tweezers.

1. Kepala plak bermata tiga. Kepala plak ini ada dimana-mana. Kipas, washing machine, seterika dll. Kalau terpijak anak setan ni, untuk seketika kita akan merindui pensil, pen dan chopstick.

Hantu Asrama Majlis Sukan Negara?

I'm not an agnostic but I am a common skeptic. When I first heard about the hauntings happening in Majlis Sukan Negara hostels, the initial thought that ran through my mind came in a form of a sport newspaper headline:

"Atlit Negara Kecundang Akibat Serangan Makhlus Halus"

There were claims that some athletes who lives in the MSN hostel practice black magic to boost their performance but I

The Ustaz of MSN was called in to protect our national athletes. He said he successfully set up walls around the MSN hostel using his prayers and Quranic verses.

Scary eh?

I just think they should cover the scientifically logical causes before asking the Ustaz to put up 'walls'. The invisible wall should be an alternative prevention and not the main solution. If you're sick, will you go to the clinic or the ustaz first?

Hmm?

Kepala Babi dalam Masjid?

Three mosques in Kuala Lumpur was desecrated with pig heads. The two mosques are the Masjid Jumhuriyah in Taman Dato Harun and the Al- Imam Tirmizi mosque at Taman Sri Sentosa.

These pig heads (in the picture) was found in a UM mosque.

Tension between religions in this country is getting worse everyday. First the arson attacks on churches and sikh temples. Then the pathetic arson on two Suraus. Now there are people throwing pig heads in mosques.

Is it politically motivated? I don't think so. There are plenty of hooligans in Malaysia to do these things just for the sake of it. Adrenaline junkies yang tak mampu bungee jumping.

But just look at those heads. Do you know how much does a pig head cost? I don't know myself but from what I've heard, it's pretty expensive. What a waste. But thank goodness they lapik the heads with a piece of green cloth.

In the history of Malaysia's animal head protest, the people responsible for this one if by far the most considerate. But this is not something new. Remember this?

I think using cow heads for 'Islamic' protest is far more offensive than the kepala babi incident because for our Hindu friends and family, cows are holy creatures but for muslims, pigs are not unholy. You touch'em, you samak. Habis cerita. They are just animals, like any other animals. They are just dirtier so the washing process is more thorough.

I personally think pigs are cute. Pigs are also very beneficial to us in general. Their organs, blood vessels etc. are very similar to us human so their innards are often used to replace our defective organs. Pigs also made stem cell research to regrow our own organs possible. So I hope my fellow muslims brothers don't make a big fuss just because the hooligans used pig heads and not cow dung.

Muslims should approach this issue dengan penuh cool because really, we have nothing to lose. Protesting will not achieve anything. Rallies will only jam roads and affect productivity of nearby shops and offices. The only party that will benefit from protests and rallies is the 7/11 franchise.

Let's be cool about it and encourage more inter-religion talks and discussions.

And to those responsible for the so called desecration, pigs are cute okay? Even for muslims like me.

Just so you know, the only thing that can offend muslims are for the muslims to react un-Islamically in the name of Islam.

That already happened so none of y'all can beat our own desecration on our own religion.

Haha.

Dragged to Court for Making Fun of Ahmad Fahrin?

A blogger by the name of Azwad wants me to be dragged into court for writing Ahmad Fahrin Kaki Pukul?

If you've read the post, you will notice that I was poking fun at Fahrin's tearful press release. It seems that Azwad thinks that what I did is against the law. In what country is making fun of celebrities unlawful? Especially when there was no distortion or manipulation of facts? Where I ask you? Afghanistan?

He wrote this in my comment box recently:

Done. This post was emailed to Fahrin's lawyer. The rest is up to Fahrin. Of
course, you're not important to him. Your post is a good evidence of a negative
impact he expected.

We graduated from the same law school and it hurts
me that you are not sensitive at all about his feelings towards his mom.

You don't care. Is it because your parents were divorced when you're
young? You never had what he had?

I was honest (in Arabic its Afiq
right?) when I said you are smart especially after going through many of your
posts here but why all this provocative mannerism? Are you enjoying this?

Of course, you don't care.

To Megat Izzuddin; Law graduate from
UIA right? That disclaimer can't be used. It is as good as the disclaimer in
parking lots. Fiction is not a defence in a defamation suit, only truth is. The
court would look into the impact of the libel while defence of parody is
subjective; it may or may not be used.

Personal attack much?

Who is this guy anyway? Why is he getting so angry over this? So angry that he bothered to browse through my past entries?

Now, since when is making fun of celebrities against the law? They are celebrities and they are tainted with even worse gossips and rumours. Some rumours are even crafted by them to get more media exposure. I didn't make up gossips or rumours or anything like that. I was giving him more internet exposure by writing down my personal opinion of what his statement meant to me.

AND, he even poked fun of my name. Afiq is a common name nowadays. Afiq 20 odd years ago was like today's Danish. But my parents named me because it also means intellectual. What is the purpose of this explaination??

AND, no, I'm not in LAW. I'm in architecture.

AND no, the commenter is not Megat Izzuddin. His real name is Megat Ismail. Did Azwad happened to watch 4 Peringkat Ajal and assumed that the actor Megat Izzuddin is the commenter? He's not even in Law. But it's good that you watch 4PA. Thanks for watching. Appreciate it.

Buat malu la wei. Research Balas Dendam tak betul.

AND it's true, Ann Alien. I have a lot of haters now. This is actually quite worrying. There's a BrownNeck thing going on in Malaysia nowadays and malay muslims are getting more protective and aggressive when it comes to discussion of Islam or Melayu.

AND the intimidation is getting so much more intense. There's a cowboy mentality going around the net now. There's a common pattern:

1. He's saying/writing something that we don't like.

2. Let's set up a FaceBook group dedicated to hating whatever is said/written by this person.

3. Let's take turns and attack the person's morale by cursing his mother, father, future children etc. in his blog in the name of Islam. Allahuakbar!

4. Let's file a police report. Come, we did this before with Aduka Taruna and we can do it again.

5. Let's get him arrested and humiliated for the rest of his life.

6. Let's enjoy our success and organise a kenduri to commemerate the loss of his life, pride, marriage, children, etc.

Now someone wants me to get sued for making fun of a celebrity!

So bizzare. Kalau macam ni, bankrupt la surat khabar dan majalah dalam negara ni!

When I Die by Mattie Stepanek

I was browsing books in MPH and came upon a collection of poems by Mattie Stepanek who died four years ago. I read When I Die and copied it in my small notebook. When I came back from MPH, I switched on the telly and there it was again, a recording of When I Die by Mattie Stepanek. It broke a chord in me and I started crying like nobody's business.

It's just that I've always had a fantasy of heaven and this world is portrayed by so many people as a test that we have to go through to get to heaven. In a way, that's why people are dying to protect their religions by all force governed necessary. They want a rightful place in heaven.

But for Mattie, this world IS heaven. And when he is in heaven, he wants to do the same thing he did in the world because he loved it so much.

This is a new way of thinking for me and for many of you. To go through our lives like we're in heaven and are able to do what we want to do, what we've been dying to do. The world is a much peaceful place when we're all in heaven on earth.

When I Die

When I die, I want to be a child in Heaven.

I want to be a ten-year-old cherub.

I want to be a hero in Heaven,

And a peacemaker,

Just like my goal on Earth.

I will ask God if I can Help the people in Purgatory.

I will help them think,

About their life, And their spirits, About their future.

I will help them Hear their Heartsongs again,

So they can finally See the face of God, So soon.

When I die, I want to be, Just like I want to be Here on Earth.

-Mattie Stepanek, November 1999

Fahrin Ahmad Kaki Pukul?

Let's play a game guys. It's called reading between the lines. Let's start with this rather hot topic that dominated all major newspapers yesterday: Fahrin Ahmad Kaki Pukul question mark.

“Apa perasaan anda apabila orang bertanyakan pada ibu anda yang sedang sakit, adakah anak anda kaki pukul?” I am fishing for sympathy by assimilating this humiliating incident with an unrelated case which is my mom's sickness.

“Ini bukan keputusan mudah dan saya ambil masa panjang untuk ambil tindakan undang-undang ini. Sebelum ini, saya hanya berdiam diri tetapi kini keadaan tidak terkawal, menyebabkan saya tertekan dari aspek psikologi dan mencalar maruah saya." I've no other choice. It was a split second decision. Before Linda and Scha come out with their allegations, I better make this case mine! I am now the victim. Take that, beyotch!

“Biarpun pada mula saya anggap perkara sebegini remeh, sebaliknya apa yang dilaporkan menerusi dua akhbar ini menjadi bukti kukuh untuk saya ambil tindakan undang-undang. Kedua-dua artikel ini mewujudkan keraguan yang menjurus persoalan saya berperangai macam itu. I thought physical abuse is a minor issue. I should've watched more Oprah.

“Sebelum ini, saya terima banyak panggilan (telefon) yang bertanya sama ada benar saya ini kaki pukul. Saya sedih dengar perkara ini kerana sikap sebenar saya bukan macam itu. Saya seorang yang ceria dan suka senyum pada orang lain,” My words are more credible than my two 'victims'. Get the scoop bitches! I am NICE and I like to SMILE!!!!

“Cinta saya ikhlas dan ia tidak seharusnya berakhir begini. Bila habis bercinta, saya bercakap perkara yang baik dan tidak reka sesuatu yang boleh membuat orang lain berprasangka buruk." I expect my homegirls to shut the f**k up. I tell my friends that they have nice booties and this is how they repay me?

“Sebelum ini, apabila saya putus cinta dengan Linda dan Scha Al-Yahya, saya cuma berdiam diri. Saya tahu risiko bercinta dengan selebriti, tetapi saya bersyukur dan tidak kesal dengan mereka,” I'm a playa!

Blogger Aduka Taruna Ditangkap Polis?

That is very likely.

JOHOR BAHRU: Ketua Polis Johor, Datuk Mohd Mokhtar Shariff, berkata sebanyak 25 laporan polis diterima daripada pelbagai pihak di seluruh negeri ini yang berdukacita terhadap penulisan blog http://adukataruna.blogspot.com

You can read his controversial statement here.

Although he had apologised for his lapse of judgement, police will carry on with their investigation and it is most likely that he will be called for questioning.

I personally think that his statement was rude and uncalled for but it is not something people should report to the police because his words does not inflict physical harm (unlike the ASWARA student who posted in FB that he will burn churches for a minimal fee)

However, sentiments on Sultans are still very strong among malays in some peninsular Malaysia states and their loyalty to the Sultans are undivided. For many Malays, Sultans are still relevant head of states and I know for a fact that many are still willing to die for them (not me though as I'd rather die for an Academy Award win for Best Picture, yeargh! Dream Big!)

Aduka Taruna, a PAS supporter may not agree with the Sultanate concept or detests Sultan Iskandar for his previous crimes but unfortunately his crudeness became an emotional issue. Sure, no one is physically hurt by his statement but for grieving Johoreans, he volunteered himself to become a pinata for Johoreans to channel their frustration.

I sincerely believe that the police should not get caught up with their emotions and carry on their duties to protect Johoreans. But if they do arrest Aduka Taruna:

1. He will become a more powerful PAS supporter, paving his way to PAS leadership in the future.

2. His blog will become even more famous and his PAS-obsessed entries will be read by millions of curious people.

3. He will become a subject of debate of the relevance of the Sultanates in Malaysia.

If I were to have a say in this issue, I would urge everyone to rise above our loyalty towards a single human being and watch Glee on Wednesday, just after American Idol.

Kemangkatan Sultan Iskandar of Johor

Sultan Iskandar was pronounced dead on Friday. Johoreans are urged to show their condolences by performing tahlil and wearing black and white clothes for three days after the late Sultan's death.

There are many controversies revolving the late Sultan and it is customary for malays and muslims not to speak or mention negative things about those who are recently deceased. Strangely enough, more people are looking for information about him online, even more than when he was alive.

He has his share of controversies and not to mention several cases of abuse and manslaughter but we shall not dwell on these matters because he is no longer with us. His misdeeds and sins will now be judged by God Almighty and not us mere mortals.

You can read more about the life and death of the late Sultan here, in his own wiki page.

What can I say? We are not perfect. We all have our shares of sins. However, this doesn't stop people from ridiculing the late Sultan. If all, we should look at the brighter side of things. Now royalties are no longer immuned to civil laws.

Because of the late Sultan Iskandar, we enjoy a better justice system than before.

Al-Fatihah.

In-Heart Murtad?

In-Heart dituduh kumpulan yang murtad oleh segelintir pendengar dan penonton lagu dan persembahan mereka.

Tetapi apa yang membuatkan mereka murtad?

I recently asked a friend of mine whom I recently met at a kedai mamak. "Kenapa dorang panggil In-Heart murtad? Macam kes berat je tu."

"Aku pun dengar jugak and aku tahu kenapa dorang orang panggil murtad."

"Apasal?"

"Dorang punya dressing la."

My initial reaction to this was "Hah! Pasal tu je?"

I did more research (if you consider reading gossip columns research) and found out that it's true. They were called Murtad because of their dress code.

The people who called them murtad had the impression that one has to dress up in a conservative malay/muslim attire to preach or sing about Allah and Islam. So because In-Heart decided to wear 'normal' clothes, they are murtad.

How ridiculous is that?

Owh man.. how did this mindset came to be? Now I know why people call me Kafir, Murtad, Syirik etc when I blog about Islam. I guess they don't know that spreading untrue accusations in Islam is worse than murder. But I have a feeling they know this and they don't consider their accusations false.

How did this mindset came to be?

Ikan Kecil Ikan Besar

Dalam hukum Islam, meminum, menjual dan apa-apa kaitan dengan peminuman minuman beralkohol adalah haram sama sekali.

Having that in mind, it is understandable that Kartika (who was caught drinking a bottle of beer) was arrested for commiting a religious offence. However, she is a small fish. She's a mother of two with a husband and worked as a part time model. She is not well-known, influential or wealthy. The offence that she commited was punished because of her circumstances.

What if she was a Datin? Will the religious authorities punish her for drinking a bottle of beer? What do you think will happen?

Shouldn't they also arrest the waitresses at the hotel for serving her alcohol? As far as I am concerned, there is no law about muslims not being allowed to serve alcohol in this country so it is not an offence BUT there were many instances where religious authorities arrested bartenders and waitresses who worked in nightclubs and bars.

If religious authorities could arrest muslim waitresses and bartenders because they serve alcohol to their customers, shouldn't they also arrest Malaysia Airline's muslim air hostess? They too serve alcohol to MAS passengers. But they work under MAS, a big fish. And how about Pernas chains of hotels? Pernas is a malay muslim owned establishment and it also serves alcohol. Shouldn't they be arrested too?

You see where I'm going here?

Ikan Kecil, Ikan Besar.

This is why I think it is unfair for Kartika to be canned. It is unfair because her punishments were made possible because of her status and circumstances. If everyone, no matter how big of a fish they are can get arrested for consuming or selling alcohol, I will totally respect religious authorities to rotan Kartika.

Shall I go to clubs and bars and take pictures of celebrities, high ranking government servants and Datuks/Datins drinking alcohol and submit the pictures to JAWI or JAIS? Even if I do, will they get arrested?

Kartika Yang Malang

Kartika is one very unlucky woman. She was caught drinking beer at a hotel lobby and was arrested for it. She was fined and will be canned.

Bukan rotan pakai pembaris kayu tu. Rotan yang macam ni:

Religious authorities had intended to make Kartika a prime example of its Syariah law on consumption of alcohol but her arrest made frontpage all over the nation. This made a lot of people uncomfortable with her punishment.

In my personal opinion, caning is too harsh of a punishment to be inflicted to muslims who are caught drinking. If the Syariah law demands it, the enforcement of the law must be transparent and fair. I've seen MANY wealthy and influential muslims drink champaigne and wine in events and parties and never once were there any raids to these events. On the other hand, we have people like Kartika who was arrested for drinking a bottle of beer.

And don't get me started on clubs and discos in KL or Penang.

It seems that Kartika is a political ball of yarn being tossed around by the authorities. I just hope she gets rewarded by all the bad press done on her. I heard she's writing a book. After all, bad publicity is good publicity.

Trying Out My Luck

Today I accidentally came across an advertisment about a regional video competition. The theme is climate change in the asia pacific region and it has PSA (public service announcement) feel to it.

The downside of this discovery is the deadline is on the 31st January. I have less than 10 days to work on this video so I thought of not participating in it. But. When I was about to discard the opportunity, a fury of ideas came to me in split second. Ilham. Whatever you want to call it.

I can't let a good idea go to waste so I decided to make a short 2 minute video about climate change. It'll be finished by the 27th of January so watch this space so that you can help me by commenting/criticising it before I send it to the organiser.

Penis of the Sky

The Burj Khalifah was completed early this month and I can't wait to go to Dubai to see for myself the tallest building on earth. It is a spectre to behold, the official penis of Middle East.

Skyscrapers are best described as penises. You see, the reason why Dubai build this building is to show off and get people to pay attention. Dubai wants to tell everybody in the world that it is well endowed. Dr.M knew that people are building taller skyscrapers every year to surpass ours so he made sure that our penis is far different than the others. We constructed a mutant penis. Twins! Have you seen anyone with two penises? I've seen a girl with three boobs in an Arnold movie but never 2 penises.

Now Prince Al-Waheed of Saudi Arabia wants to build a taller skyscrapper to match the Burj Khalifa.

Our twin tower is located smack in the middle of central KL, the home of sky-reaching headquarters. The Burj Khalifa came out of nowhere. It is unnecessarily tall and now it going to be dwarfed by yet another arabian tower. I know, the kings and princes just love to compare their penises.

"Oh you think you're so big? Come, let me pull out my dress.... Tadaaaa!"

The Burj Khalifa is so tall to that if you're on the highest floor, there is no possible way to spot an individual on the ground. Up in the air, people down below are like specks of dust. The Emir will also be unable to see the poverty, famine, civil war and corruption happening on ground zero from where he's sitting.

Sad, isn't it?

It is also foretold in the Quran that the end is near when there are a lot of buildings penetrating the skies. I know Kiamat is something imminent and mesti-jadi-punya but if I were to be a emir of an Islamic state, I will try my best to prevent all foretold signs to sustain LIFE. But then again, maybe the emirs do not give a hoot because they already have tickets to doomsday arcs in China.

Whose God?

Spare 22 minutes of your time and watch this clip. AlJazeera were smart to invite three very different people from very different backgrounds to talk about this issue.

How is the Allah issue political?

Some people claim that this issue has been politicised but to what extent? We first have to understand that politicians will never get their hands dirty. Their 'issues' are chess pieces of an elaborate strategy for personal/communal gain. When our petrol price increased dramatically, peaceful demonstrators were showered with water and tear gases by the FRU but the FRU didn't lay a finger to the Allah issue demonstrators. I think I do not have to elaborate further.

Muslim Liberal dan Muslim Konservatif?

Aku sering kali dipanggil muslim liberal kerana aku berani bercakap dengan terbuka tentang isu-isu semasa berkaitan dengan Islam. Aku rasa itu bukan kriteria untuk dilabelkan liberal. Kalau aku seorang gay yang terbuka, melakukan zina sebelum kahwin, minum minuman keras dan membuat perkara yang dilarang lain yang diasimilasikan dalam gaya hidup aku, barulah aku dianggap liberal. Tetapi tidak, untuk ramai orang, bercakap dan berbincang secara terbuka tentang Islam menjadikan aku liberal. Aneh tapi benar.

Why are these people pestering me with threats?

I got an info from my friend and he said that some Facebookers rallied online taliban rempits to urge me to delete the 33 Banned Words entry. I also received several threatening SMSes and calls but I'm not new to this. I've been egged five times before and demonised in countless sites and blogs. It's also funny that you'll find that these pests who tells me that they are doing this for Islam and for Allah use terms like Cibai, Pukimak, Mampos, Pantat, etc. And aha, apparently, according to them, I'm going to hell. Who appointed these pottymouths to become God assistants?

Melayu itu Islam?

Merepek! Melayu itu Melayu dan Islam itu Islam. Bolehkah kita kata Arab itu Islam kerana kebanyakan Nabi dan Rasul Islam berketurunan Arab? Arab juga punyai orang Yahudi dan Kristian. Sama seperti orang Melayu. Orang Indonesia itu orang apa kalau bukan orang Melayu. Kita datang dari mana bhai? Di Indonesia, orang Melayu ada yang Islam, Kristian dan ya, Buddha dan Hindu.

Sabah, Sarawak, Pulau Pinang dan Kuala Lumpur?

Orang Kristian di negeri-negeri ini sahaja yang boleh gunakan perkataan Allah dalam percakapan atau penulisan oleh penduduk bukan Islam.

The confident muslim?

Muslims who are not stupid. We know for a fact that our Allah is singular and that's that. That is that. We will never be deceived by 'evil Christians' if we are educated in our own religion. If the Christians are trying to convert muslims, we should do a better job converting Christians, aborigines, buddhists etc but sadly, there is no known effort to do this. If you remember correctly, the very useless YADIM (Yayasan Dakwah Islamiah M'sia) booted out the visionary and modern muslim scholar Ustaz Asri by sending a fleet of cops to arrest him.

Dakwah? I've NEVER EVER seen any dakwah campaign in Malaysia. Never. I've seen a lot of Christian campaigns though. They pick up my recyclables for their church every weekend and give me brochures about their churches' upcoming activities. I even participated in a gotong royong they organised. Why not? I don't see any mosque people wanting to clean up my neighborhood.

Kenapa Aku Tidur Sesudah Mandi Pagi

Memang banyak perkara yang melayang-layang dalam rongga tengkorak aku minggu ni.

1. Pembikinan video Democracy anjuran kerajaan Amerika.

2. Novel 4 Peringkat Ajal yang baru satu bab siap (5 bab lagi)

3. Perniagaan perkhidmatan video kahwin yang masih mentah.
4. Misi menguruskan badan sebanyak 3 kg lagi untuk mencapai berat optima.

5. Apa? Pelukis komik Shinchan dah mati?

Kadang-kadang bila tengah solat pun, otak akan masuk ke laci Nobita dan menjelajahi masa lampau dan hadapan sampai terlebih rakaat.

Setiap kali aku bangun pagi, aku akan mula berserabut "Apa nak buat dulu? Nak pergi beli mic ke nak siapkan iklan promosi? Nak itu ke nak ini? Selama sejam neuron-neuron pembuat keputusan bertelagah didalam tengkorak, badan pun dibiarkan berfungsi dalam auto mode. Gosok gigi. Cuci muka. Cukur. Mandi. Pilih seluar dalam. dll. Kalau di sekolah dulu, aku hadapi masalah anxiety ini dengan meminum sedikit Listerine. Tapi sekarang aku sudah tahu perbuatan itu haram. Ha ro mim.

Sesudah sejam, otak akan menjadi penat dan mahukan rehat. Jadi badan membuat keputusan untuk membuat sesuatu yang tidak memerlukan otak berfikir: tidur.

Ya. Satu lagi misteri personaliti diriku selesai. Aku harap pengakuan ini akan mencantas terus jangkaan segelintir orang yang aku 'bersenam' di dalam kamar mandi. Lagipun, aku bukan remaja lagi.

Oh Tuhanku!

10 churches attacked? This is a new low for Malaysia. I can't believe this is happening in my beloved country!

But it is somewhat inevitable. Inevitable as in memang disangka akan berlaku. With students racially marginalised since they were 7, there were/are very little contact between races and religions.

I didn't get offended by the Allah issue because I've been priviledged to be schooled in multi-racial schools. But for many other malays, they don't get to befriend people of different races. That is the root of our problem right now. We have very little in common. Very very little. That is why we can't seem to put our feet in their shoes.

When France banned the use of the hijjab, we got so mad that we boycotted french product for a while. Now Malaysia is banning the word Allah and other 'Islamic' words that have been used by Christian sects for centuries. Now they are boycotting our products. We are now the enemy.

During the Hijjab debacle in France, the french reacted poignantly. They debated on the issue reasonably without straining more tension. But we Malaysians reacted like Pakistanis, Iraqis and Sudanese. We reacted with rage and anger. We politicised the issue. We threw Molotov cocktails at churches. All in the name of God?

When MAIM banned 33 words related to Islam, I can't help but to wonder.. "Macam mana budak SPM nak belajar Sejarah Islam?"

And look at how some muslims reacted to my recent post on the 33 words banned by MAIM.

Are these people capable of debating in a reasonable manner? I don't think so. See how I use the term "these people". I do not relate to them. I do not reflect their sentiments. I'm a muslim but I am a learned muslim. I know what I'm talking about and I'm not afraid of discussions. I may be wrong so I open my mind to other people's point of view but when I am confronted with hostility, it is only natural for me to close my door and shoo the culprit away. The same can be said to everyone, muslim or not.

If we are truly muslims, we should send representatives to discuss and debate on this issue openly. With open minds and open hearts. For all the Imams and Ustaz out there, STOP rallying followers for this 'holy' cause and start befriending priests near your area. You're a model muslim citizen. Act like one.

And to all muslims offended by my last entry, please reread the content. It's not a joke against my religion. It's a solution for non-muslims to understand Islam. With these substitute words, non-muslims can better understand Islam without getting fined or jailed or both.

33 Words Banned in Melaka

MAIM or Majlis Agama Islam Melaka banned 33 words from being spoken or written by non-muslims. If non-muslims are caught using these word, they will get fined no more than RM4000 and jailed for less than 2 years.

Yeah, I know. Paranoiddddd. But to make life much easier for our non muslims friends and family in Melaka, I will provide subtitute words for the 33 words so they won't get in trouble when referring to any of the banned words.

1. Firman Allah - Feel mana lah (asking where to feel)

2. Ulama - Oooo... Llama (admiring a llama)

3. Hadis - Ha! This! (pointing at something excitedly)

4. Ibadah - I Bad ah... (confession)

5. Kaabah - Akak Abah (sister father)

6. Kadi - Car thee (your car in Shakespearean)

7. Ilahi - Eel ah he? (asking a person about another person's womanising ways)

8. Wahyu - Wah! Yu..! (Wow, a shark!)

9. Mubaligh - Mu baligh? (inquiring a person's puberty)

10. Syariat - Sherry at? (where is Sherry)

11. Kiblat - Keep lard (store fat)

12. Haji - Huh? Geee... (mild shock)

13. Mufti - Move tea (to place a cup of tea from one place to another)

14. Rasul - Rest owl (what owls do all day)

15. Iman - iMan (Apple's first robot)

16.Dakwah - Duck war (Have you been to Tasik Titiwangsa lately?)

17. Solat - Sold at? (asking where is something being sold)

18. Khalifah - Car lift ah? (carpooling invitation)

19. Wali - Wall-E (a famous fictional robot)

20. Fatwa - Fart war (a disgusting frat/college/uni game)

21. Imam - Eeeee... mom! (a small girl accidentally stepped on dog shit)

22. Nabi - Nappy (pampers)

23. Sheikh - Shake (shiver)

24. Akhirat - Archi-rat (an architect who nibbles on leftover food: me)

25. Azan - A sun (without it, we'll die)

26. Al-Quran - Aku ran ( I ran)

27. Al-Sunnah - Asuna (Asuna Kagurazaka, a main character in the anime Negima)

28. Hauliak - How liow (manyak how liow oh, ho ho ho!)

29. Karamah - Car amah (car for maid)

30. Shahadah - Shah! Dah! (a line in a malay drama)

31. Masjid - Must jade (a jade of absolute certainty)

32. Baitullah - Bite two lah! (persuading a person to eat one more article of food)

33. Allah - Owl ah? (is that an owl?)

If a MAIM officer overhead you saying out loud these banned words (touch wood), tell them the substitute words you were really saying.

You're welcome.

Gerhana Matahari

Esok pada pukul 3 sehingga 5 petang kita akan saksikan gerhana matahari. Tapi seperti gerhana bulan 1 Januari lepas, jangan harapkan apa-apa yang luar biasa. Kalau rajin koreklah laci teknologi silam dan ambil satu filem kamera lama kerana ia boleh digunakan untuk pemerhatian yang lebih jelas.

Oleh kerana ia sering mendung di Kuala Lumpur dan kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya, jangan lah mengharap reaksi aneh daripada fenomena alam ini, seperti tiba-tiba mendapat kuasa seperti watak-watak drama bersiri Heroes. Kuasa untuk balik kerja awal, mungkin.

Ramai juga orang yang takut dengan fenomena alam ini kerana memang adat melayu untuk menjangka kemungkinan dekatnya hari kiamat. Di kedai mamak hari ini saya terdengar satu perbualan di antara dua pakcik yang giat dengan aktiviti MLM mereka "Gerhana hari Jumaat lagi! Dahlah nama Allah orang kristian guna...! Facebook pulak bagi duit dekat yahudi! Ish... Dunia memang nak kiamat!"

Salah satu pakcik tu saya kenal sangat sebab selalu terserempak di Cyber Cafe di Subang menghantar mesej peribadi kepada aweknya yang kelihatan seperti anak sendiri (ternampak gambar profile) Tetapi mungkin gambar profile tu hanya Avatar isterinya. Mungkin. Kalau tidak, memang tak munasabahlah pakcik tu menggunakan gambar artis pinoy yang macho lagi tidak berbaju sebagai gambar profile sendiri.

Ada satu aktiviti yang boleh dilakukan oleh semua orang untuk menyambut fenomena alam ini. Senang saja, ambil beberapa telur ayam (ya, perempuan pun boleh buat) dan letakkan telur-telur tersebut dalam posisi tegak. Jika firasat fizik saya tepat, telur-telur itu akan berdiri sehingga tamat gerhana matahari.

Tapi ingat, telur ayam sahaja yang pasti akan berdiri. Telur yang lain mungkin tidak boleh. Tetapi saya tak kata tidak boleh. Anda boleh cuba.

Everything Korean

I didn't know where I caught it from. It must've been MTV. Or it could the alluring magnet attraction of Jaejoong but I caught it. I'm under the spell of the Hallyu.

Hallyu is the korean term for Korean Wave. It is most noticeable here in Malaysia in our choice of TV drama and pop music. I think it all started with Winter Sonata. Although melodrama is a staple genre in Malaysia, it only revolves around abusive family affairs. We Malaysian had no primetime hero until the soft spoken bespectacled architect arrived into our TV screen (and our hearts)

I was very cynical at first about this obsession. It was all just too surreal. I know for a fact that Korean men do not rent an ice rink just to celebrate an annivesary. They also do not buy bouquets of flowers and put them on the street in front of the girlfriend's house just because of a misunderstanding. Merepeklah.

But you girls, you girls believed them liars don't you? Nah nah nah, don't you deny it. I saw your faces when you suddenly heard a man speaking korean at the post office. Sepet eyes check! Neanderthal nose check! Olive skin check! Is he single?

The chinese girls waiting to pay their bills giggled but you, you and your tudung clad friend had to help him post his letters didn't you? Never mind that I was also looking for the bloody mailbox, you chose him over me. And just because he's korean, you didn't bother to whisper "Hensemnya Oppa ni, kahwin jelah dengan I!" Oh, kelakianku terguris...

Although I am pissed, I can't help but to feel that I will score better with the girls if I look more Korean. I've never fit into the typical malay demographic and have always been slanted towards girls who like chinese looking malays. Maybe if I speak korean and tell them that I'm a mixed malay-korean, they will surely fall for me! Maybe not.

Pop bands like DBSK and BigBang made me rethink of my definition of manliness. When I was teenager, caucasions like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kevin Zegers(Airbud anyone?) were my measure of a man. Now it's okay to be sepet. It's okay to have a cute personality. It's okay to be bratty. Unfortunately I am not all that. My eyes are considered round and folded.

Cynical as I am, I am also a sucker for almost everything korean. Proof:

Fav director: Park Chan Wook

Fav boyband: DBSK

Fav singer: Ajoo

Fac actor: Lee Byung Hun.

Two years ago my popular interests would've been dominated by orangputehs.

Our local TV channels acknowledged the korean big bang so more korean dramas are being screened today. The problem is though, all the major dramas were translated into Mandarin.

You see, we like koreans because they are koreans. Why in smoldering hell would you make koreans sound chinese? Chinese is for chinese. Korean is for all. 1Korea. Even a lot of my chinese friends are irritated that they dubbed korean dramas. Now they all sound like the cast of soaps like The Realm of Eternal Jealousy and what have you.

I don't know when this wave will end but I'm having a roll dancing to tunes like Wealthy Second Generation and Mirotic. We should all learn from this korean wave because maybe one day, we will have a Malay wave and people will be bothered to learn BM just for the sake of sounding cool. Maybe. Maybe not.

But that won't be possible in my estimated existence. Even chinese malaysians speak malay like they have just finished a 3 months crash course.

Let us not dwell into these depressing matters shall we ?(us? you're the one yang tiba-tiba emo)

The moral of this blog entry is... if you want to be cool, don't be yourself. Be Korean!

Fighting~

Maybe It's Just Me, But...

A comment made by Farid regarding the A-L-L-A-H issue:

Maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that people are putting a lot of value into the name "ALLAH" but none into Allah itself. I mean think about it, getting all worked up over a name and then forgetting the actual values that the religion aims to instill.

To me, the letters A, L, L, A and H in this order respectively, was placed under a religious canopy and given sacred attributes. In truth, it's just a name regardless of its history. What's important is what is attached to your concept of god. People sometimes forget that though religion can be standardized, their belief system is as purely subjective as its deity. If I, a muslim, were to refer to Allah as Dandelion in my prayers, does that make my prayers invalid? If Allah was almighty, then surely he would be capable of recognizing it. Many of my brothers forget that Allah can think for itself, without their assistance in the matter. Allah or Dandelion or Yahweh is supreme afterall.

That being said, it's just a name, a concept constructed by human convention in languages that are humanly constructed. Allah or God or Dandelion encompasses all human constructs and so to put such Godly attributes into a word constructed with just 3 letters is to reduce Allah into those 3 letters. Isn't that the bigger sin?

Closing statement: The fact that many of my brothers and sisters do not allow the use of allah (yes, in small caps) by non-muslims not only limits their rights to freedom of expression, but also implies that they can do nothing with the name but use it in a negative context.

Afiq's note:

Very well said Farid. We need more people like Farid in Malaysia!

How to Improve Inter-state Commute

My condolences to victims of the not so recent Sani Express accident. It is a tad unfair that Sani is the only bus demonised for bus related accidents. Two years ago, there were bus accidents almost every week. None of the operators were given bad press like Sani Express is suffering now. The bus hunt, led by TV3 shows that if you want to operate an interstate bus company successfully, you better be a friend of Dato' Farid.

Even with all the bad press, interstate buses is still the most favoured balik kampung mode of transportation. Pudu is still buzzing like a hornet's nest. But guys, be reasonable, it is still very very dangerous.

There are other ways to balik kampung. KTMB is one of them.

It is safe, covers almost all popular balik kampung locations and is reasonably cheap. It's also slow, dirty, too cold or too hot and BORING.

Actually, KTMB is not doing well. They change the directors faster than the train's speed. It is losing more money than ever, even when the amount of people wanting to balik kampung increases every year.

I'll tell you why people do not like to ride on trains to balik kampung.

1. It is so slowwwww thus making the whole ordeal really really boring

2. The train is on crack. It shakes and shivers a lot.

3. It has nothing to entertain passengers. One muted hollywood film of flat screen for 200 passenges? Are you kidding me??

4. It's full of old people. Old people like the nostalgic feel of the whole experience. So the whole train smells of minyak angin, minyak gamat and Vicks.

5. There is no PA system or alert system to inform you where you are. That is why everyone tidur-tidur ayam so they can wake up everytime the train stops. And getting back to sleep is a challenge with all that noise and untahanable vibration.

6. It makes you weary. When you finally arrive at the station, you will be so sick and tired you'll sleep the whole day off.

7. The food! Oh my goodness. They have only 2 choice of food and both are overpriced and tastes like they were cooked on the train's engine.

8. It's dirty.

KTMB can do many things to make the train ride more efficient, less boring and enjoyable but it will probably cost a bomb.

To make it run faster and smoother, KTMB has to replace the tracks and train. That will cost a few billion ringgit. Setting up flat screen TVs everywhere also costs a bomb and with its financial condition today, even changing the sheets will make the profit margin plunge into a new level of abyss.

So here is

AFIQ'S SUGGESTION TO KTMB on HOW TO IMPROVE INTER-STATE COMMUTE.

It's cheap and easy, like a trip to PatPonng

1. Change the damn operators!

They are old, inefficient and boring.

Replace them with hotties!

We have so many dispensable GROs so it is not hard to recruit them. Assimilate recruitment programme with any anti-maksiat programme and voila! Everytime GROs are caught in raids, don't put them in jail or summon them, make them do what they are born to do: Serve.

Punish them by forcing them to attend hostess courses and become train operators for a year or two.

Imagine a typical scenario in a KTM train... without a hot operator.

Boring, drab, "ish gemoknya akak tu..." and such a drag.

Now imagine it with a hot operator:

They should be called States Line Uttrendre (we like them names French-ed) of Transportation. It's a mouthful so it would be easier to call them Ass El You Tee.

The SLUTs will not only make travel more enjoyable by providing excellent service, their mere presence will bring joy to passengers. Let's recheck the effects of SLUTs in the list I made earlier:

1. Passengers would want the KTM train to move slower to enjoy beautiful passing SLUTs as they go along with their business.

2. Before, vibrations are a nuisance. Now with the presence of SLUTs, their chests' buoyancy will be in close examination.

3. Entertainment?

Why bring a portable DVD player with porn when you have a SLUT walking by now and then along your berths. (I can already imagine what people will be doing in the privacy of their own berths)

4. Old people with wives still alive will avoid riding with KTM. Single old men will die of heart failures and join their already dead wives while on board. Don't worry, more young people will replace their steady demographic.

5. SLUTs will whisper to your ears when you arrive at your destination. "Bangun bang... dah sampai... yussof tayoob... "(advertising = more profit)

6. You will still be weary... of excitement!

7. Foods will be served personally by SLUTs. More people would want a second helping.

8. It's dirrrrty.

PROBLEM SOLVED

Service Up. Profit margin Up. Tents in pants Up.

Allah To Be Used in Churches

Why not? Why?

I heard a protester on TV3 saying "Kenapa mereka guna nama Allah? Kenapa dari dulu mereka guna nama Jesus yang bermaksud trinity, tuhan, anak tuhan dan roh-roh suci dan sekarang mahu guna nama Allah?"

My initial response to his statement was "Bongok betul manusia ini." Go study history buddy.

Many christians in Sabah use the term Allah in their respective churches. When I was resting on the highest peak of Mount Kinabalu, a group of christian club members uttered their prayers and used the term Allah. I wasn't angry. I felt very at ease. They were worshipping the same god that I do. I felt like god is universal, that everyone of the ibrahim religions are worshipping the same god. And we actually do. We just have different methods of doing so.

Why did some NGOs need to protest the decision made by court? I think because they think Allah is term exclusive only for muslims. Allah is for all, make no doubt about that. Why are they so protective of a name that represents the highest power that we all live by?

Nak berjihad konon. Nak berjihad ada tempatnya geng. Berjihad dalam kerja, profesyen dan minat masing-masing. Berjihad untuk menjadi insan yang lebih baik. Itulah jihad yang sebenar.

I applaude the court for allowing the use of Allah in churces. Why not? Why are some muslims feels so threatened by this court decision? We are not in the olden days people. Perang salib is behind us. We know now that the war was politically motivated.

The protesters are showing a disgraceful example of some muslims' stand on their religion. Islam is not a cult nor is it group. It is a way of life. Protecting the use of the name Allah, claiming it to be exclusive to muslims is unislamic. Very unislamic.

Be a true muslim and share your love and peace and understanding to everyone, no matter what their religion.

Okay? Sekarang tolong bersurai, you're jamming the road!