The phone vibrated. It is a feeling you get before a storm. An impending pain. It is not my first time. It is like a papercut where I flick through several familiar pages and get my fingers cut repeatedly. I answered the phone, slumped and used my weakest tone of voice in favour of the speaker. Dreading the moment of the cold icy conversation, I held my breath and sighed from inside my lungs. Like every similar phone conversation with the speaker, she would hung up. Like choking my throat with a bottle full of guilt pills. It will last a week, maybe more but then again, the speaker wouldn't know about it. I, in the her opinion, have a heart of a stone.
So I switched off the phone for good. 'Good' is a moment that I feel appopriate for my excruciating pain to mend. I will switch it on again, when I'm ready for another papercut.
Everybody should know that what comes around goes around. It is cycle nobody can't deny. I will, sooner or later be in position similar to the speaker. And the cycle will begin. The same cycle. The same experience.
But I won't.
Because I would like to learn from it. To learn that pain is continuous, sometimes heridetary. To learn that as a human being, I can manipulate my emotions and experiences. To learn that the most beneficial and most harmless pain is realization.
It is a difficult journey. It is a journey where I have to get into the root of my behaviour. A journey no one would like to revisit. A point in life where I 'died'. A part of me. It is about forgiving myself, forgiving everybody that had inflicted the vicious cycle.
A journey I will have to endure to get rid of the heap of burning, balmy feeling I can't describe everytime the phone rings.