The vicious cycle

The phone vibrated. It is a feeling you get before a storm. An impending pain. It is not my first time. It is like a papercut where I flick through several familiar pages and get my fingers cut repeatedly. I answered the phone, slumped and used my weakest tone of voice in favour of the speaker. Dreading the moment of the cold icy conversation, I held my breath and sighed from inside my lungs. Like every similar phone conversation with the speaker, she would hung up. Like choking my throat with a bottle full of guilt pills. It will last a week, maybe more but then again, the speaker wouldn't know about it. I, in the her opinion, have a heart of a stone.

So I switched off the phone for good. 'Good' is a moment that I feel appopriate for my excruciating pain to mend. I will switch it on again, when I'm ready for another papercut.

Everybody should know that what comes around goes around. It is cycle nobody can't deny. I will, sooner or later be in position similar to the speaker. And the cycle will begin. The same cycle. The same experience.

But I won't.

Because I would like to learn from it. To learn that pain is continuous, sometimes heridetary. To learn that as a human being, I can manipulate my emotions and experiences. To learn that the most beneficial and most harmless pain is realization.

It is a difficult journey. It is a journey where I have to get into the root of my behaviour. A journey no one would like to revisit. A point in life where I 'died'. A part of me. It is about forgiving myself, forgiving everybody that had inflicted the vicious cycle.

A journey I will have to endure to get rid of the heap of burning, balmy feeling I can't describe everytime the phone rings.


umimax said...

nice words abt me but reason being me battery is low but again ur always judging negative abt people till no heart is in u anymore. Fly my dear n i release u but if u ever fall do bangun ok.

Hurt is the word. Umi's advice money is not everything, u found good life there go ahead nobody is stopping u. as 4 me i've given u the best i could afford n stop judging us. life is 2 short 4 me.

Take care n happy with new found people. please don't comminicate if u plan just to hurt us, me n adik2

afiq said...

why do keep thinking that I like luxury and money? Why do you keep on using that excuse? Everytime I visit my family, you will react this way eventhough the only thing I do here is eat, sleep and jalan2.

it's the same thing I'll do in Sabah for this matter. Who exactly is judging who? You keep on implying that i like living a rich life. how do you know that? Aren't you judging me by accusing me of wanting a good life?

What is a good life in your definition anyway? I think i had a good life since I was born. i was fed well, I sleep in comfort, i was taken care of. What is a good life exactly? A good life is having a clear conscience in my opinion. A good life is what you'd given me. Why can't you see that. I've always appreciated your expenses on me and I will support you when I get older because it's my responsibility as your first son.

Whether you want to accept it or not, Afiq is a person who knows what his responsibilities are. I am a person who do not easily judge people. I am person who doesn't crave money and luxury. I am your son and I am whatever shaped by you. You had thought me well and I will be forever thankful for that.

But i do not appreciate being intimidated and threatened. I am trying my best to do my part in the world. I want to work, I want to earn big bucks and I want to travel. I want to be able to support you. Why can't you just accept that I will be your son forever and nobody can't take me away from you other than you. You are the only person who can shoo me away.

I'm sorry to be blunt or hurtful but i'm tired of crying and stuttering.

I'm really sorry if I hurt you in any way umi.

UMIMAX said...

earest no need to cry it just history repeating itself but of different senario, finding n disputing reason to fly away. Likewise ur sick of crying umi has 3 others to nurture. Fly dear to d open sky just don't wait for a reason to leave.

Just ignore me n have fun. As i said don't just look up coz u might fall on ur face by just a small hole, but if u look down u might bump to a tresure hole. What may fallen onto u is just drops of rain that is so blessfull n birds's shit as a reminder. but ur face is still much protected.



Anonymous said...

now u can live like a dove baby and spread your wing baby..we only have a short is sometimes a baseball game sometimes u hit a home run but sometimes u don't...well it has nothing to do with anything..anyway just live the life u want too..aights? i'm going now. OUT!

afiq said...


why dove baby? Why not a unicorn or a griffin?