Confession of a Broken Heart

I have a confession
I know you're reading this bapak

I'm 18, at the brink of adolescent. Soon enough I will be an adult. An adult. Pretentious, masked adult.

Last night I copied some video clips from Haikal's computer and checked it out once I got into my room. As soon as I watched Lindsay Lohan's video: Confession of a Broken Heart, my head rang. Not knowing the reason why I was so weirdly hooked by the imagery, I closed all my windows and listened....just listened....I played it again, this time, speaker's volume at its limit. By then, I was in tantrum, pushing myself against the wall and shouted, sang and cried.

I must warn you if you dislike personal expressions, stop reading

I have a confession
Confession of what we hid for so long
What you hid for so long
Do you remember? The parade in masquerade?
Do you remember? What you had said?

It's all too fresh to recall, a wound never healed by time
By comfort or by your smile
A wound I'll carry on forever, a wound I'd inflicted to anyone who tried to love me. A wound torched by your doings and pained by your sealing
Do you remember hurting my body? Hitting my bare flesh with your vicious blows?
Do you remember hanging me upside down? How my tears glowed...
In the dark, by haunting of your insults. My burning scars, your remnant?
Do you remember how I was fearful of you? Of your presence.
Do you remember how you keep telling me that I'm not a son of yours?
Do you remember how you keep repeating that like counting scores
Do you remember how you stopped me from schooling?
And locked me up in the basement tearing? How I dwelled with my emotions. Flamed by the love of my mother from the other side of the door. Her eternal devotion.
How I felt her presence with wood in between...

Do you remember how you made umi cry? Do you know that I was crying with her? Do you know that we cried together?

Why? I am 18. Yet I can't justify your doings. You justified it well. I was a wild child. So wild as to be punished like animals with grotesque sins. You spat at me with disgrace and repugnance, and with that spit, my trust, my love, my bond of you is gone. Swept away from my life's pavement.
You pointed a gun at my mother with hopes of resurrection
But believes in the reality of bitter exculpation
You threaten the whole family with promises of genocide
It swelled fear. Digging in deep deep inside.
How you opened the car's door when you were speeding on the highway.
How my fingers bleed from holding the car's lock, crying away.
By your desperate scrapings
How umi cried. How she screamed.
How I screamed. 'Bapak, jangan! Bapak please jangan!'
"BAPAK! Please jangan...!"

You decided not to, yet you reflected your lies and kept trying
But umi had had enough
She fought you and she won
And by a splatter of blood, you're gone; tracing grime. It is not your blood that painted our house's floor. It's ours. It's my mother's and mine.

Confessions Of A Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
and I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Family in crisis that only grows older
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Daughter to father,
daughter to father I am broken but I am hopin'
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying, a part of me's dying and
and These are, these are confessions of a broken heart
And I wear all your old clothes, your polo sweater I dream of another you
The one who would never (never)
Leave me alone to pick up the pieces
Daddy to hold me, that's what I needed
So why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go!!
Daughter to father,
daughter to father I don't know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are confessions of a broken heart, of a broken heart
I love you I love you I love you I....!
I loved you!!
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don't know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth...
Did you ever love me!!!?
Did you ever love me!!!? T
hese are..... The confessions...of a broken heart
And I wait for the postman to bring me a letter...


Chemistry Grad said...

awhhh..the song, the pic, the poem and ur post memang betol2 kene..ada effect la! kid terasa jugak tau..

afiq said...

thanks.. I think the poem reflects my memories.. and how i cried while writing it. especially when I screamed afiq taknak.... that part lah. Tears blurred my vision and i can imagine the exact scenario..

Irzan said...

Afiq dearie,

This entry is kinda emotional, to the least. No wonder you were telling me about stuffs to write or not to write in my blog. For me this entry is kinda private, shouldn't let other people to read. Memories are memories, and yet they haunt you forever. :(

Chemistry Grad said...

i'm with irzan..only THE ONE should know..something 'special' btween u two, no one should know.

afiq said...

Funny how you're both wrong. I feel much better now that I cleared the air with my father. Pretending nothing happened when it did hurts so the idea of relief is so general that one could not suscribe to be righteous on any methods of such. So up to you la nak accept my terms.....

Chemistry Grad said...

ok..u know better what best for urself..chaiyook!!

Irzan said...

Sorry melancholic kid. I guess I guessed wrong.

But I won't be wrong next time. I'll try not to.

lubna said...

A long overdue comment.

Afiq, you have got to be one of the most honest bloggers I know.

I hope this entry feels liberating to you, in a sense.