Clueless Am I

I just dont understand this thing. This thing. Love. How can something so complicated and complex be summed into 4 letter word. It is a ridiculous abbreviation of something of colossal proportion. Or is it?
I just don't know anymore. I just don't. Shouldn't love be so simple and easy? Shouldn't love trascends boundaries? Shouldn't love be something so heart-felt?
Why is it messing my mind then?
I am contradicting my own perception of love, only for it to be a series of unresolved dogmas in retrospect. My initial thought of love was a shared kindred connection between two people, albeit their backgrounds and state of mind. Although I've never been in love except during my highschool years, I am a strong believer of love. I believe in love. I belive in honesty in love.
I have a problem. Please.. oh... please... HELP ME OUT!
My story goes back three years ago when I received annoying text messages from a female stalker. A year passed until I actually replied her many smses. I met her in the UIA main campus and even went to the same class with her. As our courting experience prolongs into a unmentioned, unclarified, unverified relationship, she began to call me names like Bang, Sayang and so on and so fourth. I ignored her cat-calls and never replied her in a similar fashion simply because I don't feel the same way about her. We see eachother a few times a month every month and still, my feeling about her seems to be unfazed. Sure, I like her but I can't even imagined myself to be in love with her. I just can't fit that mental picture in my mind. We began going out more and my feelings towards her became even more decidedly stagnant. Sure, I am very nice in person, something so many lunatics would easily misinterpret.
Maybe it's because she was the person who initated the relationship and not me. Men are not easily lured to respond to women's attraction.
Maybe we are not meant for each other. We are so... different in many ways, something I considered a success formula to a relationship until I began to understand the frustration of having my interests unbounced. We have almost nothing in common. She comes from a loving family. I hail from a broken family with lasting grudges. I write, read and think english and she write, read and think in malay. I have an acute appreciation for novels, movies and music and she is your typical korean-series loving girl who loves murderously sappy korean music videos with predictable fatal endings.
I've never in my life utter the words I Love You because to me, Love is too sacred to be pounced about. What I am feeling towards her now is not sacred. It is an unknowing engagement that makes me all the more guilty for not being in love. A friend told me love does not appear all of a sudden. It grows. It has been three years and yet I find it impossible to even think of being in Love with her.
What is exactly my problem?

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

perhaps you feel sorry for her?

jay

maddieness said...

all goes down to your personal definition of the L word.

some ppl think it as the kind of feeling that is powerful, involving lives ruined & bloodshed, an Epic romance blockbuster worth of a relationship. requiring more than just any passing stranger to play the title role.

others can get by with a part time lover and a full time friend, the two being one and the same.

anyways you know what they say about how opposites attract.

but really? don't be so hard on yourself. problems not you.

does she know that you're not all that into her? coz it seems like she's in over her head with the relentless pursuit. maybe she needs to just hear the truth.

azimnooh said...

The thing about love... (pada pendapat aku la) is that... you won't know it's there until it's really gone. So, before you start realising it, love as much as you can and believe me, you won't regret it for the rest of your life... Love has sheer the power to alter and defying our lives. The only time you know that you really fall in love is that,when you are not with her,you feel very lonely,there's an empty feeling in your heart.percayalah!! eh,bila ko nak gi kedai mamak lagi? Makan maggi goreng perencah seluar dalam.. huhu

renegix_01 said...

herm...love based on sympathy will not last forever...hang ni rase simpati kat die ni...this is not love..if u love her...surely you will
show her that you love her by those words such as 'i love u' or ape2 lagi...but its been 3 years now..n i think..it's only sympathy that's growing in your feelings...not PURE LOVE....

afiq said...

Funny how all of you are teenagers and are 'experts' in love.

None of you even got married yet, no offence.

It was sympathy at first but for a time I really liked her. I made her presents n stuff and showered her with hand-made stuff. It's how I thank people because she's always there, you know. We were dating!

But I know how it feels to be in love like wheneve I meet my mom or dad or cat, there will always be the subtle pounding in my chest, a beating I can feel. But it's never there with her. I feel responsible for her and her feelings and would not want to hurt her but I know I'll only end up hurting myself and her, in due time.

Mr Nice guy trying to not get other people hurt but be severely beatened in the process.

Now is like any other time in our relationship but it's high time I know where we stand and whether or not we can move on to higher things, which is something I think I cannot do yet. I am not a boy, not yet a man. I am immature. I am not capable to make these kinds of decisions yet. And I know I need to. It's a calling I guess, to be a man and face the music.

I don't knowlah~~~

hanyhany said...

this isn't going to be very helpful,
but if there's anyone who can tell you what you're feeling,
it's not going to be a shrink,
it's not going to be your friend,
nor is it going to be your family,

that person would be you

Miss Aida said...

Love isn't a word that is dandied about easily.

Just that.

saya said...

just be honest to her n urself!!

bahness said...

Oh my goodness this entry should have been written by me (heh) because you took the words right out of my mouth..

Well, I dont think you have a problem. Theres nothing wrong with you. The feeling's just not there and it's okay..

I asked myself why is it that I'm not in love with the people who love me?
Why is it that I'm not even falling in love with this good guy who is thoughtful and sweet and is willing to take care of me and writes me poems etc etc?
I thought I had some psychological issues leading to my emotional incapability because hey, I WANT to fall in love and stay in love dammit!
And so I tried, I tried to love that person. I waited and hoped and tried some more but it was super frustrating.

Then I realized (more than ever) that I'd rather continue to wait for that special someone to come by rather than just settle with somebody else because it's convenient.
Love IS sacred. Its unexplainable. But when it's love (or something remotely close to it) I'm sure we'll know it. Its something no amount of flowers or gifts or sweet words or any number of 'perfect' dates can buy over.

For me, I'm just waiting for someone who gets me. Someone who can finish my sentences. Someone whom I can communicate with without a need for exchange of words. Somebody who isnt like me but fits me like a jigsaw puzzle and makes me complete. I'm waiting to love someone out of love, not out of obligation.

And maybe I'm expecting too much, but thats the way I think it should be :)

Good luck!

afiq said...

thanks bahness, thanks alot!

Maybe I'd accepted the relationship because it was convenient. Because it was in front of my shut eyes. Eyes that is not willing to open until the right one come along.

I've always believe in the spark, the sudden infactuation we get when we come across our destined love. Love, from there on, has to develop to overcome everything. That's true love.

I see now why so many people get married and fall out of grace of each other as time persists. Because they got married because it is convenient!

Well, it is final. I received an sms from her this morning. I deleted it instantly after I read it. It writes 'you will not miss someone until that someone is gone.'

She bloody hell read my mind. What she think would be a subtle threat is my conclusion for our 3 years episode. I miss my mom, my cat, my dad, my brothers but never her. I'd gone a few months without her, not thinking about her, not at all missing her.

So that's it then. I'm going to end it the way she begins it all, by sms-ing.

Anonymous said...

i'm not an expert nor am i married..but i sure do believe in true love unless proven otherwise..

definition of love for me is simple.. i've been courting for 3 years.. every single time we meet..or every time he calls..or whenever i hear his car out side my door.. my heart beats faster.. my palms gets colder..i just can't help from shouting "you're the best thing that ever did happened to me"...every single time..

you'll know you're in love when you're finally in it.. move on keep on searching..if you've found the ONE,even if you're world apart.. love will combine your differences into one hell of a GREAT potion!!

lifeinside said...

maybe you should ask ur mom, of which imho u shud start contacting.

lifeinside said...

*of whom, sorry...

Anonymous said...

dont go for her.go for him then.

afiq said...

ah, go fuck yourself!

afiq said...

ah, go fuck yourself!

adam k. said...

ahaha

Roti Kacang Merah said...

laaa, awat tak tanya akak, dik?

i can write long long very long in your email, out of the scrutiny of the public eye.

been myself in and out of relationships ~ true love, soulmates, casual mates, dead love... and now married to someone who did the chasing for 5 years.

But what you said is true ~ guys GENERALLY thrive on the chasing bit. bila the chase dah hilang, you ppl tend to get bored.

and Love???

when it's not there, it's just not there, Dik. And when it hits you, you WILL know.

One day when you finally found The Love, you'll remember back this day and tak akan rasa sesal. InsyaAllah.