I just dont understand this thing. This thing. Love. How can something so complicated and complex be summed into 4 letter word. It is a ridiculous abbreviation of something of colossal proportion. Or is it?
I just don't know anymore. I just don't. Shouldn't love be so simple and easy? Shouldn't love trascends boundaries? Shouldn't love be something so heart-felt?
Why is it messing my mind then?
I am contradicting my own perception of love, only for it to be a series of unresolved dogmas in retrospect. My initial thought of love was a shared kindred connection between two people, albeit their backgrounds and state of mind. Although I've never been in love except during my highschool years, I am a strong believer of love. I believe in love. I belive in honesty in love.
I have a problem. Please.. oh... please... HELP ME OUT!
My story goes back three years ago when I received annoying text messages from a female stalker. A year passed until I actually replied her many smses. I met her in the UIA main campus and even went to the same class with her. As our courting experience prolongs into a unmentioned, unclarified, unverified relationship, she began to call me names like Bang, Sayang and so on and so fourth. I ignored her cat-calls and never replied her in a similar fashion simply because I don't feel the same way about her. We see eachother a few times a month every month and still, my feeling about her seems to be unfazed. Sure, I like her but I can't even imagined myself to be in love with her. I just can't fit that mental picture in my mind. We began going out more and my feelings towards her became even more decidedly stagnant. Sure, I am very nice in person, something so many lunatics would easily misinterpret.
Maybe it's because she was the person who initated the relationship and not me. Men are not easily lured to respond to women's attraction.
Maybe we are not meant for each other. We are so... different in many ways, something I considered a success formula to a relationship until I began to understand the frustration of having my interests unbounced. We have almost nothing in common. She comes from a loving family. I hail from a broken family with lasting grudges. I write, read and think english and she write, read and think in malay. I have an acute appreciation for novels, movies and music and she is your typical korean-series loving girl who loves murderously sappy korean music videos with predictable fatal endings.
I've never in my life utter the words I Love You because to me, Love is too sacred to be pounced about. What I am feeling towards her now is not sacred. It is an unknowing engagement that makes me all the more guilty for not being in love. A friend told me love does not appear all of a sudden. It grows. It has been three years and yet I find it impossible to even think of being in Love with her.
What is exactly my problem?