Defeated

I've been thinking a lot lately. Profound thoughts and a few guilt trips. I do that a lot, presurring myself to admit my wrongdoings by first sulking over it before finding the solution. I just think that the -sulking- is much needed to remind myself that I brought the problems to myself. It is entirely my fault. Everything that proves itself to be a burdon is my doings. And with that steamed-surpressed scoop of guilt, I punish myself by overworking myself, be it exhausting the living hell of me by constantly talking to friend(s) or working out a sweat by doing things the hard way like taking the stairs, walking through shrubs instead of the pedestrian walkway, etc.

As my habitual reflection increases throughout the year, I have become more of an observer than an actual moving, talking body when it comes to analyzing any situation presented upon me. And it is troublsome to know the whole truth, when I am no longer able to take sides because of my innate obligations. When I am no longer able to be driven for a purpose. I see that in many. People who can't accept the fact that they are naturally driven when they make excuses for their boosted efforts. It is not wrong to be driven, darling. Not at all. It is of sublime balance. You get something done here, you're leave several loopholes somewhere else.

And when those loopholes amounted a few dozens, because of my driven nature, I'd promised to make ammends, only to have it embossed in its very intention. In the word Promise. And when those loopholes became an actual hole, I will hurt myself and increase the level of distrust in many others. Sulk, reflect and run. Run. Run.

It's a regression of emotional purity and an increase of artificial spiritual discipline. To be discipline by nature of running away from problems, delusioned by the fact that facing it with an iron fist and a bare face will only result defeat. Defeat.

Defeat is not necessarily Defeat. Th US defeated the Japanese with its atomic bombs, only to boost Japanese economic warfare.

I have to do that, to admit false defeat in order to win my rapture of balance and realization. That's the only way. Defeat now, to learn, to study, and to attack with again with knowing resistance until the battle subsides. All great battles are won through clear-cut realization.

Melayu, melayu, why do you like to see me in a state of defeat? I'll play along, only to win supremely much much later.

Typical. From one topic to another....