Anti-Fans

I was at Sunway Hotel lobby a month ago when a Korean boy band got out of the elevators and sat around the lobby to wait for their van. I didn't know the band so I just stared at them. They were tall and have very very very nice skin. Flawless! It could've been their make-up but it looked so damn natural.

Anyway.

I scanned the whole lobby and realised that the group of people that I thought were Taiwanese tourists waiting for their bus outside were screaming their heads off. Their eyes flashed deep-seeded desire to have sex with the boyband, reverse cowgirl style. When the band's van arrived, several staffs and bodyguards tactfully made way for the boyband to proceed to their vehicle without getting pulled or grabbed by fans. And then suddenly a young lady that was already inside the lobby ran towards one of the boyband member and threw her hand bag at him. She wasn't finished. She scuffled with the alerted bodyguards and tried to hit him.

I inquired one of the fans later when the korean boyband left. She told me that she was a representative of an anti-fan organisation of that particular boyband. Anti-fans? You must be kidding me!

Doesn't it occur to anyone that if you hate a boyband so much, you should've just ignore them. Boybands don't kill people, they kill songs. They don't melt steel, they melt hearts. Why on earth would anyone join this self-contradictary clubs?

I think they were hardcore fans who felt sidelined when the boyband got more famous and attracted more fans. Maybe they were pioneers of fanblogs, fanvideos and fanforums dedicated to the band and when the boyband reached a broader audience, they felt cheated and betrayed.

They volunteered to dedicate half a decade of their lives to these boybands so if anyone were to be blamed for this pointless fanaticism, it's the volunteers. They should know better. They should've dedicated those years breeding premium beef-to-be and farming hydroponic brusselsprouts.

So anti-fans, listen!

If you hate a certain boyband or singer, just ignore their music. You don't have to protest when your friends listen to their songs. You don't have to explain the ridiculous details of how your anger came to be. You don't have to analyse their songs and bitch about it in your blog. You can just ignore them. Ignore their music and don't buy their CDs.

You want to do damage?

Buy one CD of them, rip it in your windows media player and share those songs in P2P softwares like Limewire and Ares. Or torrent it. While you're at it, pass around your thumbdrive containing their songs to your circle of friends so they won't have to buy their CDs to listen to their songs. And that's all you should do. Anymore and you'll be a certified loser with a large L implanted in your cornea.

Although I had several girlfriends, I've never been in love. It's quite depressing isn't it? To be in existence for 22 years without even being close of being in love. But that's just how things are. I'm not even looking. For a decade, I probably won't be in any kind of romantic relationship with any

Buffies

Buffies is another word for buff men, men who are excessively beefed. Buffy is a vampire slayer. Duffy is a singer from Wales.

Remember the "You're too fat to be a teacher" incident? I felt sorry for the overweight job applicant but I can't dismiss the fact that I can see how body image is important in any organisation (IT related company and political party excluded).

Let's say I'm a CEO of a creative company that deals with tight deadlines, frequent brainstorming sessions, prima dona writers, naruto-obsessed designers and frigid account keepers. Then a buffie with rippling pecs and Brock Lesnar shoulders enters my office to be interviewed. My first impression would be "He must be dumb." My second impression: "The gym is in the opposite building..."

Teruk kan? Bias kan? Diskrimanasi kan?

Maybe its idiosyncratic of me but I've known a great deal of buff people and most of them are, you know, at a certain expectection, dumb. I won't hire buffies. I'll tell you why:

1. They spend way too much time at the gym. Probably 3-4 hours. I can roast a whole turkey and feed it to a hungry family in 4 hours. I can also finish 4 chapters of the book I'm reading now: Ogilvy in Advertising.

2. They do too much research. On protein, muscle definition, protein, steroids, protein and neon green thongs. I know, euww.

3. Their daily schedule revolves around their protein intake in forms of egg whites, protein shakes and lots of meat.

4. They spend hours looking at themselves in the mirror. Such excessive practice of narcissism breeds vanity and vain people are dumb.

5. They are sexually frustrated. Buffies have small flacid penises. Steroids causes erectile dysfunction. And the fact that there is no workout to increase the size of the penis makes their body to penis ratio unproportionate. Sexually frustrated empoyess do not perform well.

6. Ikea don't have XXL size chairs.

7. "Are you sure you're not looking for the gym?"

So will I hire a buffie? Most probably not. Fast forward 2 decades later and you'll see me in an e-news tablet with a caption above my ever so youthful face (I became a vampire at some point in my life)

"Kamu Terlalu Malek Noor Untuk Menjadi Pengarah Seni."

Afiq's Democracy Challenge

Okay people people, listen!

I'm going to make a 3 minutes video about democracy in Malaysia. This video will be judged and showcased in USA so it's kind a like a big deal to me. Since I'm an aspiring creative director, it will also give me a glint of international exposure.

If you're interested to be in a video directed by an award-winning commercial video director (ehem, ehem) just tell me this:

What does democracy mean to you?

16 participants are needed for this video.

Take part and I will give you the details promptly. Register by sms-ing me at 016-2899681 or on this post comment box or e-mail me at afiqdeen@hotmail.com.

This video is seriously going to be the best commercial video to date. So come and collabo with me...! Weeeee...!

Internship Hunting

CD is short for Creative Director. CDs are the people who hire interns and juniors. I've just finished my book. Book is another term for portfolio. I learned all the lingo from Pick Me: Breaking into advertising and staying there by Nancy Vonk and Janet Kestin. This book may very well save my life!

PIE (referring to blog header) is an acronym for Passion, Ideas and Enthusiasm and not the actual image of a honey crusted blueberry pie with cherry flavoured glazing. The blog header is also the cover of my book. That and a large caption that says "Will Do Internship for FREE"

Tomorrow I'm going to Saatchi & Satchi and Ogilvy and Mather to litter their offices with my book and hopefully get a chance to meet their Creative Directors. I can assure you that the smell seeping out of my sentences is not coming from the imaginative blueberry pie. It's the stench of desperation.

Shuttlecocks

My brother and I were playing badminton without a net. Being the expert jaguh badminton that I am, 12 shuttlecocks laid motionless on the roof. I fetched for the ladder and climbed the roof to collect the shuttlecocks. Shuttle. Cocks. The moment I laid hands on the gutter, my whole body convulsed like mad. I realised that I was being electrocuted and pushed myself away from the gutter with all the strength I managed to muster.

Down went Afiq Deen, ladder and all.

I opened my eyes and realised that my body was numb. The state I was in reminded me of the numb object that looks and feels like my right arm after a whole night of neglecting its bloodflow. Thankfully, my mouth was fully operational. Saiful panicked and poked my lifeless limbs with his racket. Why isn't he running for help? I intended to be courteous but "Oi babi bongok! Pergilah mintak tolong!" came out.

After a minute of recollecting the many times I fell from great heights and survived with minor cuts and bruises, a rush of hot healthy blood filled my limbs. I was relieved. Relieved but still colvusing and shivering. I went to get a glass of water to drink, ignoring the trace of blood that sketched the kitchen tiles. I collapsed there and then and cried. It wasn't an emotional-oh-god-I'm-still-alive-cry. The water I drank felt like a sea of microscopic needles going through my throat and into my stomach. Even as my innards agonised with pain, I made sure that no one caught any glimpse of me crying.

I walked around. I went outside. I told Saiful "Lain kali kalau abang kena electrocuted and jatuh dari bumbung, Aful kena lari panggil orang and.... lepas tu, check kalau abang okay."

"Faham?"

I wished he'd just nod and reply with a curt "Faham" but he went all Oprah on me. I sat down listening to his justifications, his tears pouring like rain on a car's windshield. After half an hour, his long-winded justifications evolved into a fit of anger. Owh man...

He ended up merajuk-ing the whole night.

I'm just thankful that I'm alive.

Mazel Tov!

I was driving while listening to BEP's I Gotta Feeling when I realised that Hitz.fm censored the word Mazel Tov.

Why?

Is it because it's a hebrew word for congratulation? Is it because it usually used by Jews? Will it make muslims attracted to Judaism and consequently lead to their conversion?

Aren't we being anti-semitic here?

What if a rapper used words like shukron and assalamualaikum in the United States? Will the words be censored? I guess we'll never know because:

1. We're not in the US so we don't listen to their radio.

2. Where got muslim singers in popular top40 countdowns????

I think the cencorship board consist of really old fashioned pegawai-type people who hates jews. Personally, I hate the zionist Israeli government, not Judaism.

Because without Judaism, there wouldn't be Islam.

I Need Your Help Guys!

The thing is, I really need a laptop to replace my 3 year old acer laptop so I joined a Malaysia themed short film competition. Competition is stiff and very good filmmakers submitted their works. I am impressed by half of the entries. But they are seasoned filmmakers who already have good computers and cameras. I need the laptop more than any of them.

So please, please, please help me out by

watching,

rating,

commenting,

and like-ing my short film 'Projek Merdeka Adik'.

Register and login to Ruumz so you can like and comment on my short film here

My fate is in your hands. If I do win this laptop, I promise I will make BETTER films and videos for your enjoyment.

Or if you don't want to go through the website registration to support 'Projek Merdeka Adik', you can also vote for my other short film 'Sebelah' here.

What Do You Think?

I'm still looking for ideas for my upcoming documentary. So funnylah, when I say Upcoming Documentary when I don't even a subject to be documented.

I'm thinking to make a documentary about gay muslims in KL but I think it's a bit too bold. I've never come across social documentaries in Malaysia so... but IF I make the documentary, I think I will get more eggs splattered on my car on a regular basis.

What do you think? Should I proceed with Gay EL?

Kena Rasuk

I saw a lady who was supposedly possessed by a jin today. She was in her sister's car and was ready to take off from their home until she suddenly became violent and screeched her heart out. A school girl (probably her niece) rushed back inside and called for an elderly man.

The elderly man talked to the jin and again, she was in a fit. She slapped the old man's hand with the elegance of a mak yong dancer. The old man held her hands and mumbled Quranic verses. I videotaped the whole incident from my window but I don't think it's appropriate to upload it in youtube. I edited the videos into a 5 minute documentary and even included spooky background music. Hobby.

Although I acknowledge the existence of Jin I do not believe that we human beings are capable of being possessed by jin. During the ottoman empire period, it was believed that patients with epilepsy is possessed by jin and the only cure is exorcism. Today we know that epilepsy is caused by brain damage.

In my opinion, people who are possessed by jin has psychological problems like bipolar disoder or depression. Since malay muslims are not keen of seeking proper help when a family member has mental problems, they opt for traditional treatment usually done by bomohs or ustazs. It works wonders for some and others are left jaded by the prospect of ever inviting a religious looking man into their homes.

For those who were cured by bomohs, what can I say. Faith is a powerful thing. The human mind is capable of things we can never imagine or anticipate.

This is why magical spells are only effective when used against or for people who believes in the supernatural. This is why Daniel Radcliffe tak kena sampuk and Saiful Apek had to go to Indonesia to berubat. This is why Miley Cyrus Anti-fans can only send hateful comments on her youtube videos and Ziana Zain had to put an invisible wall around her house.

Your Fav M'sia Song

I want to make a music video.

I want to use a Malaysian patriotic song.

But I don't know which.

What's YOUR favourite patriotic song and why. (Here In My Home tak kira)

Tigger

888

I've written 888 blog entries today! Here's a picture that sent me rolling on the floor before an unrecognised hand handed me an inhaler.

Happy 888 afiqsays.blogspot.com!

Next!

To be hurt by the truth is better than being comforted with lies. I learned that line from the novel Kite Runner. If you haven't read a good book lately I highly recommend Khaled Hosseini's Kite Runner. I finished the novel in a week, which didn't beat my record time for Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban when I was 15.

After a week of Pashtun, Kabob and Taliban, I think I'm ready for the Booker of Bookers, the greatest novel in 25 years: Midnight Children by Salman Rushdie.

I've a feeling this book will change my opinion of Salman Rushdie forever. I've been holding back from reading any Rushdie's books since Satanic Verses. But then again, I thought, Kite Runner was also banned in some countries. I drew a simple conclusion, the banning of good novels is mostly political, not religion related.

And yep, no conclusion for this blog entry.

; )

Bawah Itu Pisau

Have you ever wanted to go under the knife? Eh bukan itulah! Itu dah settle. I'm talking about plastic surgery.

I know its forbidden and all, but almost all famous artistes did/does/still doing it. If you think men can be excluded from this sweeping statement, think again.

If I were to go under the knife, I want to.... do something about my.... lips. It's not symmetrical. When I purse my lips, it looks like an imperfect heart symbol. I know a lot of people who would like to have something done on them. I mean, Jaejoong of DBSK for example looked like this before his debut:

He has a beautiful voice, true. But a beautiful voice is no guarantee for a pop career. A quick snip on the eyes and nose later...

From Jaejoong the singing dork from highschool to DBSK's Hero!

Even if I really take this plastic surgery thing seriously, I don't think I will ever have the balls to have my face done. Not in a million years. But if there is a technology that allows people to have fake plastic surgery like having mirrors in the house that enhances selected features on the face, I would definitely change my lips. Oh yeah, while I'm at it, a set of bigger eyes would be great too.

Inexperienced

Didn't you know? I lost my phone, my sweet shimmery Latika. I lost a few things too this week but I'm still holding up. I'm doing okay, despite having to deal with the submerging slimy black head once in a while. I have a feeling its hereditary.

I'm currently shooting a malay wedding procession and ceremony. It's not your typical wedding video. It's more like a documentary. This business is very lucrative so I have no qualms about it. (No wonder there are thousands of wedding photographers in Malaysian. Thousands!) I'm still very much an independent filmmaker, albeit an inexperienced one.

I just bought Filmmaking for Dummies recently. Yes, that's how inexperienced I am!

Making a Malaysian Boyband

Eh jap, Afiq baru perasan. Dekat Malaysia takde pop boyband! Kumpulan nasyid tak kira okay.

This void should be filled!

Tak susah nak jadi boyband terkenal. The formula has been formulated decades ago but unfortunately music producers failed to see Malaysia as Malaysia. They didn't understand their own culture (Malaysian in denial) and thus thought they imported the patented formula from overseas. Bangang.

NAMA TAK PENTING

Nama boyband langsung tak penting so don't overthink it. What important is the branding of the boyband. It has to appeal to many kind of niches but not the masses. This way, fans feel that their participation in the boyband's fandom is exclusive and 'special'.

BRANDING

Boyband should live 24/7 as unique characters cooked up for them by their producers. Okay, in this aspect, we should follow THE formula lah. They should wear clothes that fits their character 24/7 and speak and act like their characters without fail. Without fail! This symbiosis will bind the group together as one name before fans pick their favourites and not the other way around. Here are some the characters that should comprise the boyband:

Ketua boyband: Ketua boyband kena responsible, strict and adequately handsome. He has to take charge of the team, leading them to perfection. He also CANNOT have dreams to make it on his own as a solo artist. Malay.

The Comel One: The comel one is the one with an ambigious face. "Dia ni laki ke perempuan?" Naturally the comel one has a distinct voice but put a selamba front. He should act as if he's acting out "Life is unfair, life is shit! Arggggh!" He also has to be chinese. Yes, chinese. This character will hit a spot with gay men and meltable girls.

The Eccentric One: He wears mismatched clothes and change his hairstyle ever so often. This character appeals to girls who likes their guy weird. They know its inconvenient to marry this type of man so they will focus their love and energy to the eccentric one.

The Young One: A junior who has a lot to learn. He has to be extremely talented but has to keep up with his more experienced members. He has to be malay because we have many malay geniuses. The young one is an investment because joining a boyband is a crash course for him to evolve as a musician in a decade. And imagine the myriads of kakak angkat rooting for him.

The HipHop One: He obviously has to be Indian. For obvious reasons of course. This guy has to know how to rap really well but still dress up as boyband member. He's cool and refined but when he's on the dance floor, he will turn into the cartoon tasmanian devil. He will attract groupies, percayalah.

They are characters, not real personalities so it is vital to choose faces and voices that fits the characters.

SHOW SOME SKIN

Everyone shoud have good, slightly muscular bodies. Force them to work out and eat a healthy diet because they will have to show some skin in promo shoots. Abs and pecs are a must. For the first time in history, Mangga's centrepiece 'Berenang Baik Untuk Kesihatan' will have descent models. And URTV and Media do not have to outsource their sexy men page from Spain and Brazil anymore.

INTERACT!

Nope! Nope! Nope! No interaction is allowed. For them to keep themselves sacred, they should not be overly exposed. They should, however, attend gameshows and programmes that let the host ask pre-planned questions that seems spontaneous. The 'hook' is the audience's inquiries of the boyband members' personalities. Keep the fans digging for answers. Let them make their own conclusions and prove them wrong when it's convenient to do so.

MUSIC VIDEO

The music video has to be groundbreaking! Ground breaking! It should cover all the required emotions to make fans think they know the boyband by heart. Nostalgia, rebelliousness, love, excitement, loss etc. Long story short, hire me as the director and give me a hundred ringgit.

There are more grounds to cover like endorsements, fashion and music but I'll leave you to that.

I'm just bored. Can't you tell?

Happy Sunday!

This Void

She's now in Australia. I don't feel anything. Under normal circumstances, if only normal was what I experienced growing up, I would've missed her. I guess, in a way, it is strangely inevitable, this void I'm feeling. For her and for myself.

I guess 'normal' is for those who are normal. But because the world around us were uniformly normal, we knew from the start that we were living in her world. Her world and this world is in the same world. But her world is her world. And this world is our world.

I am not particularly gifted in anything but I make do with what I have. I don't have the best luck in the world but I take in the bad ones in strides. I am neither adventurous nor rebellious but I go rogue whenever I can. This is my world from the perspective of you the subject of me the object. From my perspective, I'm at lost all the time. I don't know where to go or when to do anything I should other than the basic necessities. I am uncertain of my faith, my direction, my aspiration and my commitment.

I am clueless and stupid like that. But I know that I will hold on. Not holding on would be giving up and settling for less. Holding on is chasing the metaphorical rainbow (to get to the pot of metaphorical gold) until I can chase no more.

Irony and Wisdom

It is not apt for me to talk about wisdom because I am considerably young and the grand irony of life has not taken a toll on me yet. But irony is something we experience everyday and as the irony gets deeper, so is our level of wisdom.

But I am not wise. I am perceptive to irony but my reaction to it shows my immaturity as a human being.

Today when a rep from Leo Burnett called and told me to send a few sample videos, I took a short nap knowing that there's Internet at Nael's apartment and I can send the email whenever I want before the rep's lunch break. Just before 12, I went Nael's apartment and found out that his internet connection was cut off.

I rushed to a nearby shop lots, parked my car and looked for an internet cafe. I asked around and was sent back and fourth at the deceptively large rows of shop lots. After an hour of sweaty adventure, I was about to give up and almost decided to send the email after the lunch break. On my way to my parked car, I stopped for a while, reflecting on my previous mistake. I thought to myself. "God wants me to work harder if I want to get this."I turned my back and walked back to the shop lots.

And there, right in front of my parked car is a cyber cafe. How could've I missed it? Someone cynical who probably denies the importance of mistakes and consequences might think of this experience as being caused by my carelessness. But I would like to learn to see beyond that, beyond the drop of indigo and observe the ripples of the milk's surface.

God works in mysterious ways.