Over the recent months, I've been engulfed by a blue blood guilt, a kind of guilt that could only snowballed into something larger. It did, and I'm dreading the day it'll splat me head on to the floor, choking me for a bloody confession.
It was my fault for being.... too happy and excited to be responding to other peoples reactions. I simply shut it off. Because it was one of my happiest moment in my life (setakat ni la) and I refused to comprehend the layers upon layers of old grudge.
I shut it all off.
Because I was too happy.
Because I was too excited.
Am I to blame? Yes. Definitely yes.
It is true. I am somewhat a Penakut. It is a contradictary self-image I possesed since I-don't-know-when. Bipolarity would be one of the reasons for it. Many would never believe such a thing is possible, claiming that it is a pathetic self-justification. They think is put-on for to make merry with flaws and weaknesses. I, in the other hand would not have known myself NOT being bipolar. To me, being otherwise is a put-on. It's not just me thinking that, it's me feeling that and it's me acting just that.
I can be smarter by the day, everybody progresses from day to day with their intelligence but what is attainable in a book would never even hint a possibility in a decade when it comes to the wisdom department. We can all be smart like cats and dogs and everything in between, but wisdom is a rare pearl. Wisdom is a state of enlightenment where actions are purely based on a responsive sense of pattern and possibility. It is somewhat foreknowledge that envisage the pattern of chaos rather than dreading the derision of it.
I am far from reaching this level of enlightenment. Very very very far away.
Being analytical, I know for a fact that deeds and misdeeds are cycles. It is derived from the Pay It Forward theory. If you get molested by an adult when you are smaller, you will build up a livid distaste for people whom had acted or acts in a similar personage but at the same time develop to be one. You know what I mean. Intelligence, of course can distinct the disastrous pattern or cycle of an action but only wisdom could deflect it. It is how God punish those who have not attained wisdom from their experiences, by giving them a taste of being the punisher after suffering as a victim for so long, only to experience a graver sense of grief and a reconcilable notion of distress which will require some heavy duty healing.
There are many kind of people in the world; people who embraced life with a full plate with no concern of the present trend whatsoever like Le Corbusier, people who embraced life by the knife like Domino Harvey and people who embraced life with habitual bliss, like most of us.
I'm feeling dissapointed at myself for not mustering enough courage to face the consequences of prolonged silence. Silence. Silence is a very confusing, no, misleading void. It creates illusions, false perceptions and imaginations for the moment of silence do not silent the mind, it makes it speak louder. Louder, louder, angrier, angrier until it shouts nothing but nonsense.
It makes me wonder why sanctuary is easily found in disparity and anger is easily found in plesantary. It still does. When people feed their greed, they do just that, a singular motion of reception that invites a bigger feed. and when disparity is befallen in a sudden, sometimes unsuspected manner, a state of peace is achieved in a sceond. God is great.
I am confused. I am scared. I am very fucked-up. But I need to break the cycle. I need to gain wisdom over the cycle that would've cost me my happiness and the happiness of othe lifes affected by mine. I need to confront them. I am destined to be confronted by dilemmas others would've happily engross and trap themselves with. I am destined to be someone who would bring a hault to the shallow entrapment of eternal self-justification. I am destined to NOT be jaded by these events and make a lesson out of it. Everybody does the same, learning life lessons but very few manage to redeem themselves from it which can easily damage their hearts.
What can be broken without being touched?
Every marathon starts with a breeze, develops into a peak of exhaustion in the middle and ends with a satisfying panting.
Whatever it is, I am pretty sure this is going to take some time; to teach myself the reality of human emotion. To enlighten myself with a holistic approach to things. Only then could I enlighten others to do the same.
But Still, I am still scared. It'll be better if we all get a taste of a biscuit and force it out at the same time to laugh at each others red nauseous faces.
It is my fault, I know but can you make it easier for me to improve myself?
I'm not trying, I know but can you make me want to try?
I'm a good liar, I know but can you make it easier for me to tell the truth?
I'm Afiq, I know but can you love me as I am?
33 comments:
Only if you know who you want to be, and am able to love yourself for it, only then can others begin to love those traits as well.
It's always confusing, trying to sort out certain things. I find self visualization helps for me. I don't know if it will for you, but who knows?
Good luck.
What exactly are you saying here, Afiq? You've basically listed the feelings of every single person who is perhaps suffering from depression.
You sure you're okay?
My only reaction to this would be that it proves beyond a doubt that you know yourself extremely well, but at the same time you are hesitating on whether or not people would accept the real you.
Everyone's confused, scared and f**ked up most of the time, and wisdom does not come without experience.
Know yourself. Embrace yourself. Don't be too dependent on how other's would react, but at the same time know that who or whatever you are, you're still you, and I will support you.
both of ur comments helped me a lot
loads of thanks
Nothing much to say here. You are what u want to be. Don't blame on others.
Do the pros n robbers inherited their habit from their parents, i don't think so.
Apepun if you want to forget my best effort of schooling you n comfort you the best possible affordable way at that time you can do so coz you chose them but blaming umi for what you are now. don;t ok you are most welcome to ignore me as what you are doing now coz my heart was badly pierced n you have successfully created a black hole. Have fun with your new car n new found family.
I have never teach my children to ask forgiveness or wish Idil Fitri through SMS but you chose them. Well afiq you have chosen your path n want to erase umi in them. Only ALLAH is my true love n not even you nor your new found family can take HIM away from me. Not having you around is not a lost to me as there are many others who will appreciate what i can give even it's only a plate of plain rice but full of sincere love n mother's doa.
Good day afiq n thank you for all the experience you gave me ie baru umi faham bagaimana seorang ibu boleh tutur derhaka kepada anaknya. Kalau dulu umi sedih dgn ibu2 ini tetapi bila ia berlaku terhadap umi. Alhamdulillah umi tidak akan mengutuk mereka kerana anak sebegini memang tidak berhak mendapat doa ibunya lagi melainkan doa keinsafan.
Umi
Afiq,
This will be my last ever time trying to communicate to you as you don't answer my call nor adik2 call.
My last advice don't blame your teacher if you fail but yourself for not trying to understand them. Don't try to be God on others misfortune thinking that they are punish for their wrong deeds to you coz all you know ALLAH is actually upgrading their wisdom for their better life after.
Jangan sombong nak, just because you owned a car. All i asked was time but you cannot wait coz i cannot afford them now and you did not achieve the condition to acquire them. Instead you find other reasons just so you don't feel quilty acqiring them even at the cost of hurting your mother's feeling. You cari ways to punish me for not being happy for the car bought by your father. But did you tell him that you promise a 3.4 at least to have them. Are you honest to yourself. Don't blame others okay coz you can never outsmart ALLAH n HE knows.
It's not about the car. Never was. I am not as materialistic as you'd visualized me to be. Nor is it because of my new found family. I've no new family.
My phone's speaker is not working. It's broken. Nobody can call me. I'd already asked you to call another phone.
I'd learned from past experiences that you will get angry if I'm at Alor Setar, no matter what the reason is. This of course had taken a toll on me. I'll get depressed and cry alot during my stay in Alor Setar.
Receiving a car is of course one of my happiest thing that ever happened to me. Ask anyone guy with a new car and they will think the same; it is somewhat a sign of maturity, and a grant of new responsibilty. But it's just a car, a car I used to drive me back and fourth to my room from my studio. It's not like its a genuine 1 kilo diamond.
I shared almost everything that ever happened to me with you, including my first accident with a lorry. But you simply shut me off and told me not to tell you anyhing that involves the car. I was only sharing my joy and you'd shut me off. I don't care if it was you or bapak who gave me a car. It's not like I'll love anymore than I do if you buy me a car. How shallow do you think I am?
You consider me as an anak derhaka all the time. I'm never good enough to be your son. I have my flaws and try to improve them. Why are you making it harder for me to even call you. Everytime you sms or say hurtful things to me, do you think that it will improve our relationship or my flaws or weaknesses. When I get sad over the the things you say or sms to me, loving you become more of an obligation than second nature.
More so that I'll get confused. Why do you question my love to you so much. Pressuring me will only make me distant myself from you. I love you as my mother and it stays the same. Again, I would like to rephrase: why do you think I'm that shallow to be Derhaka for a bloody car?
I don't get it. Now, I'm even more afraid to even hear your voice. Love had just turned itself to Fear.
I'm no longer a small boy. I don't need your permission or excuse to do anything. All I need is your love and support. That's all. All I need from you is for you to become my mother.
Well, like you'd always said to me: you have 3 more sons to raise and you no longer have to care for me. It's as if you're disowning me. How do you think that made me feel. With that statement ringing in my head, when you pressure me to contact you and impose the term Derhaka if I don't, how do you think I'll react to that?
I don't want Fear to become a reason for me to care for you. I want love to be the reason and as long as I'm not sorted to do so, I will not. Because like you, I am also a man of principle. I too have principles of my own. The only difference is I do not judge a person by his or her bad behavior. I seperated between the two, the person and one's misdeeds.
If I hate something some people had done to me, I won't hate the person but the things he'd done.
People can change.
Ape2 je afiq we have make a pact but u manipulate them. We agree on 3.4 cgpa n at 1st year you were aok then knowing not achieving them you said i pressure u n made it sound difficult. Ini lah kelemahan anak melayu selalu cari alasan bila kalah dengan jamji semdiri.
You don't deserve the car just yet but u were not truthful about them. Did u tell ur bapak about ur promise of getting 3.4 cgpa. Be honest lah. Did ur new found family help me out during my critical stage of getting u to university. no. Do u think your father monthly 200 is sufficient to raise you n adik2 no. but why he can spaend thousand on not important things n toys. Be an adult ok.
Why feeling guilty of being anak derhaka if u think ur not coz umi only praise your keinsafan. don't be judgemental lah. u are just like many cari sebab for your mis behaviour.
Why can't you be happy for your brother achievement in his school but instead you downgrade him by saying he's from sekolah kampung. You only want people to listen to you but did you lend a ear for them.Afiq, you are what u want to be. Please don't hurt me anymore, u have pierce straight in my heart n i've cried too much, to the extend of hurting others living near me. Adik2 always console me but u n ur ego ke ape ke. Umi dah tak peduli. I've given u too much but u wanted more, Ur selfish nak n ALLAH swt knows better.
Buatle ape yang afiq nak jangan salahkan kami or any wrong move u make. ok.
Your reason of your phone, ramai family yang ada phonekan di sana tak kan mereka kedekut bagi pinjam untuk call umi or adik2. Jgnle beri alasan afiq. ur just selfish n sombong. Umi kesal umi telah besarkan anak yang sebegini, ini dugaan umi tapi hakikatnya afiq seorang anak yang lupakan kulit.U only want an wanted more kalau boleh semua yang ada di dunoia tapi giving u berkira even to your brothers n paling sedih dengan umi sendiri. Cukuplah nak. tidur nyenyak lah dengan prinsiple afiq tu. Umi tak izinkan afiq melukai umi lagi. Cukup lah. Ada afiq terfikir akan kesihatan umi rasa2nya anak2 umi di blog lebih prihatin. Jangan sampai umi dah pejamkan mata afiq masih berdendam takde gunanye. sudahle.ciumle kereta tu
Afiq,
Like the saying goes..u can win the war but not necessary u won the battle.Ask yourself what do u learn from this hari raya or any hari raya? It is all about forgiveness and love and the least is hatred.
I or we never talked about histroy of your past for a very simple reason, cos it s none of my bloody business. Takes two to tango and otherwise, that s what happened to ur parents.
Never forget your past or where come from. Never forget that umi raised you from her own two hand, never ever forget that. If you forget that tak payah umi kata afiq anak derhaka, uncle lan sendiri akan kata afiq anak derhaka.
But what is the issued of anak derhaka? Batu belah batu bertangkup, very funny, it s just about that damn fish roe. I supposed they don't have cars at that time. Do you knows about the story of si tanggang? The story goes like this, the son left the kampong and came back one day with a beautiful wife and a load of gold with his ship and then the wife asked si tanggang, who is that haggard old lady on shore? He was ashamed of his mother and said I don't know, the mother cursed him and he became stone. That is as far as I think is DERHAKA. Ask yourself, are you si tanggang or the dude who ate the fish roe? or we can changed that , the dude who drove the one and only car in this world. So what s the issue here? The car? or minah? is that what u called ur bicycle. Forgive me if I am wrong. Car needs patrol minah needs paddling and it s called energy. What the hell am I talking? I think I know why bapak bought u that car. First he can afford it, Allah maha pemurah. Second he do not want u to sweat after class and that would probably make you more alert and less tired of cos, and save time i supposed and that u could concentrate more on your studies. Maybe u did not achived 3.5 coz u sweat from cycling and now it s time for u to proof that u can achived 3.5
I am saying all these coz we are your " new found families " Heck!! where did you find us? I never helped u when u were growing up, in fact no one from the " new found families" helped u while u were growing up. Like I said i don't really wanna talked about history, coz history pissed me off.
I have seen how your bapak cried when he is not able to see his 3 sons. I just wanna stopped there.
Coming back to as always being refered to "new found families" Yes we are jolly jolly happy families. That s what families are all about. If your own bapak nak jumpa anak2 pun susah, how do u think the uncles and unties can do? How are we supposed to help??? Help in what sense? Is it about money and material? Not necessary. It s about love and forgiveness, like hari raya, like when u pray to God.
Umi pun dah kawin, bapak pun dah kawin but the war is still on. Tak faham betul. You don't want to forgive , FINE , but why used children as shield, as battling ground for u to pour your unhappiness. If anyone have anything to say about this new found families, come and say in front of my face. Don't take it out of bapak or afiq or hadi or saiful. I AM PISSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Uncle Lan
i Dont think the bicycle problem can be a reason not get more than 3.5.some people who walked everyday at college get better grades than he is. Please use logic explanation
Some people does not know how to differenciate between reality and fantasy.. Pleaseeee la grow up. Sorry afiq.. I have to apologies to u and not my intention to use ur blog as battle ground. We have all move on with our life and like the saying goes.. Get a life
uncle lan
Ibu,tak baiklah sebut anak macam tu..dan tak terkeluar saya nak sebut perkataan tu.Takan sebab kereta ke,tak talipon ke atau apa2 saja nak marah budak ni sampai dia jadi 'batu'.Ibu ni mak tiri dia ke?....Minah Kesian
Now whats wrong with mothers nowaday.Why would you want to pour your frustration in this boys blog.My daughter loves to read this boys blog and it seems ok except that "f"word should not be used.Come on makcik,he's just a boy,why make a big deal.I have 4 daughters n its hell at times,n they don,t listen to u or their mothers...but thank god their mom is the loving type but at time 'small heart' juga but she knows how to manage them.So compared this boy to my second daughter,i think my daughter would have bump n bruises if she is with you,so to speak.You sounded very vindictive,very angry,full of emotion.Sincerely you need help.'Fatherly,Motherly love'
Kesian Afiq.Kenalah ingat kepada Allah sentiiasa dan mintalah petunjuk.Seorang ibu tidak boleh berbicara begitu kerna ia akan boleh mendatangkan kesan yang negatif kepada anak...dan mana ada ibu yang 'berani' sebut perkataan derhaka secara somborono...hati2 ye ibu.
Simple...the boy is much more matured then the lady n she hates his guts"WOMEN"
Yes,as that Lan says its Hari Raya and its about forgiveness,love ,happiness.At least he sms.Budak2 kecik,tau saja lah. Yang kamu tu janganlah over sangat.If u think u have given him the best,its good cos its your responsibility..every family does that,so why are you so upset.U can't control the way they think nowadays.The only way is for u to change.You strike me as somebody who is rigid,without friends,and with loads of problem....so,the best person to pick on is him.BE A LOving mother FOR GOD sake...n avoid all this nonsense.
Hello,All mums.Jangan "dera anak".....Afiq Fan Club.'UNITE'
Don'y worry Afiq,my mother is willing to take u in.Can you sing? Backstreet boys
aku ingat mak aku terok,mak kau lagi terok Afiq
Peace
Kereta apa Afiq Ferari ke?Bapak kau pun satu,bagilah kat mak kau dulu pas 2 baru kat kau.
Kelab Kancil
Apa ni,belilah kereta Proton ,support gomen.
Proton Saga Merah
Hello semua,
Umi has never utter the word derhaka, abang thinks he has done it to my mum. I know because i stay with her. Umi selalu nangis n doa agar abang insaf. Tapi abang always cakap macam2. He never tells the truth, he always comdemned me n worst he always has the best, kami ni macam rasa anak tiri pulak.
I guess at a point umi sedar dia dah sacrifise too much for abang n times for us. Salah ke. Umi slalu cerita jadi anak yang solleh n best muslim pemimpin. She even sent abang to pondok hafiz n sekolah private so as to lead us in islamic n nowadays value coz we don't have a good father masa tu. Umi sentiasa sibuk tidur 2 jam sehari n u guys pandai2 nak komen umi saya. Jangan lah. Pasal keretatu abang yang promise umi dan she juga teach us the same, we are not rich family but we are honest n hard working. kami buat kerja kat rumah tolong umi tau. tapi abang balik2 nak jadi bos kalau kami tak buat ape dia suruh dia kata kami adik derhaka, kami ok kami agak abang main2 tapi sekarang bila kami baca blog ini abang memang hippocrit.
Kami ada hak pertahankan maruah umi sebab umi dah beri the best love n everything to us, dulu kami susah makan 3 orang 1 pinggan tak de bapak tolong, mintak duit tuition pun cakap macam2 tapi umi kerja2 coz she knows i need the extra teaching n she is so busy, sekarang i dapat number 2 in school abang cakap bolehlah dari sekolah kampung n bapak pulak cakap nak lumba abang ke. What u all think i felt. Adik selalu salah n kalah ke.
Yang sedih pada kami pun abang tak wish n worst dia suruh kami plot untuk tinggalkan umi kononnya bila masuk kolej bolehlah kami tinggalkan umi dah beasar. But abng lupa kami tak sama n kami love umi coz she is the best n kami hadi n aful akan jaga umi sampai bila2 tak akan buat macam abang buat.
Maaf ye bang tapi mereka tak tahu pengorbanan umi n kami mesti jaga maruah umi.
Jangan nilai debgan sebelah pihak sebab abang pun ada cakap dia selalu menipu dalam blog tapi ini dah melampau batas. Hadi baru 15 tapi dah faham sekarang. Hadi yang nasihatkan umi jangan pikir pasal abang sangat nanti kesihatan umi terjejas. Abang mana tahu abang tahu nak duit n fikir pelik2 je. Boring le grow up ok.
Hadi n aful
First is no 1, now going to no 2, what s next, no 3 ?
sapa yang buat semua ni macam orang sama je yang tulis kerana masa kat comment berapa minit beza. siapa yang buat ni memang terdesak
Aful adik afiq
kat atas ini afl yg tulis
siapa yang tulis comment kat ats ni memang teruk tak hormat langsung emak langsung. saya dgn umi ok je tak ada apa2 pun terjadi. umi marah sebab umi sayang.walaupun ibu kita jahat macam mana pun kita mesti hormat dia kerana syurga di tapak kaki ibu.takkan kita nak ikut cara mat salleh kut tak blh pukul anak walaupun dia buat perkara jahat.kita islam boleh merotan atau pukul anak tersebut jika dia nakal ataupun jahat.
Betul,semua yang tulis siatas semua teruk...jadi jangan tulis lagi,berdamailah,bersalamlah,cincang air takkan putus.
Peace
You all should not play games in this blog.This is a serious matter.Discuss the subject rationally.I am a parent,n i know these growing up things.As i have said i have 4 daughters.The crux of the matter concerns a frustrated mother,a car n anew found family.That all.Painful it may be as a mother n father u have to accept the facts that at times,things just happen the way we want them to be.If you have done your best,its good.You must not complain.Kids are different nowadays.Their surrounding is different,mind set changes.Don't be frustrated or curse them.Kids nowadays think they are smart..let them think that way,let them make the mistake,they will learn.I too went to alot of troubles to raise my daughters,but i m not going to pour out everthing for people to know,its a family thing.You mention Allah a few times,its good.But never allow emotion to get the best out of you.U sometimes have to have courage to admit ones flaws.I am sure the boy have lots of weakness.Time has change,u must change,your boy too must learn to be respectful of you.In this holy month of Shawal,do take stock of our past to plan for the future.If we are able to acknowledge our shortcoming,a 'big window'of opportunity will open.But as parents, n we still want to hold on our notion that we are alway right,we are doomed n our children won't have a future.Remember,you are not the only mother in this world that have problems...we all have problems.Just find the answers.Fatherly'Motherly love
I dah baca in detail.This lady won't budge.Fater,mother love..jangan buang masa.Go n spy on ur daughters cos u takkan tau apa yang mereka buat behind ur back!Can u read between the lines.That Lan guy is COOL.
Sempoi
I agree with the sempoi comment go and spy your daughter
What can I say, I don't appreciate people who insulted my mother because no matter how this fued is snowballing, my love for her is eternal. Period. And she is my mother who cared for me.
This whole hoolabaloo is a slight glitch of a communication breakdown, a breakdown I'd wished she'd never made public. It's our dirty laundry, I think we should deal with it in discretion.
I do understand what und Lan is trying to say. I know, it is my fault for not making an effort to call Umi during raya. And I'd not talked to her for a month. It is my fault for procrastinating to face to consequnces of being silent for so long. I've my reasons of course: it nas nearing my final project so being emotional about a car is not an option, I'd shut the case temporarily.
It saddens me that I'm proclaimed to be a anak derhaka. I cried and stuff but you know what, what can I do lah.. I want to make myself useful to the world and crying over things like these will not be beneficial to my pursuit.
Hadi and Saiful are my brothers. I love them. Therefore I don't hold any grudge against them. But they do. Hadi, Hadi, I am you big brother, when I'm home I am the boss of you. There's no use holding that kind of grudge because it's what big brothers do, they boss the siblings around.
I'm not undermining your intelligence by telling you you're schooling at a kampung school. I don't want you to be complacent with your achievements because you can reach further heights than me, because you're capable of doing so. You will leave home some day and you'll everything with a new perspective. You're learn soon that not everything is what it seems. Don't hold any grudge against me because I'd forgotten yours, because we make mistakes.
We fight and quarrel and that's it. Jangan dendam dendam. If you're attached to some old fueds, it will latch you in one attitude. Faham? Bagus.
Ye abang memang poyo tapi hadi lagi poyo. Please get used of being bullied. I will do so until you 18.
Dahlah, Afiq tak suke la family gadoh2. Dahla selalu bergaduh pastu gadoh nak bagi org tengok. I have to admit no family is perfect but the least we can do is to let go of our grudges. Sbb nanti Ju-On akan melawat rumah.
I'll deal with this my own way. Aful and Hadi stop reading this blof if you can't handle criticism, especially the blasphemous kind (ya, check itu dictionary, Hadi)
pardon my bad grammar... sort it out yourself la
There you go.This guy has a soul.He has reasons not to call his mom.He admits his mistakes.His explanation says alot abt him.He is an ok guy...even defended his mom and shows displeasure abt the other silly comment.My question now is...are you ok mother?
Aduhai Ibu
I write i put initial coz I am bold and ego enough to say what I wanted to say. I do not hide behide the cutains. so do not acused me of writing n not puuting my initial on.
Afiq , i agree with u, this should stop here, bashing and blasting will and have not achived anything. Looked at the dictionary under suckers, u will see the faces of all of us.
Hadi and apul, I have alot to say but I ll keep it in reserved. Watch digi footage advertisement on tv and the punch line is afiq gets to bully both of u coz his ur big brother..hahaha uncle lan buat lawak bodoh.
Defending your loved one is morally the right thing to do, whether it is right or wrong, but it has to be done without prejudise.
who ever u are who said that Lan is cool or right, please stop coz u don't have the right to judge.
And I do not appreciate who compare mothers. Apreciate if comment is constructive but ironic enough it does not happened all the time.
Selamat hari raya semua and hopefully i do not have to waste my time writing stupid things like this anymore, insyaallah.
Afiq,I pray for your success. It does not matter what grade u achived as long as u know that u have done ur best.
uncle lan
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