Over the recent months, I've been engulfed by a blue blood guilt, a kind of guilt that could only snowballed into something larger. It did, and I'm dreading the day it'll splat me head on to the floor, choking me for a bloody confession.
It was my fault for being.... too happy and excited to be responding to other peoples reactions. I simply shut it off. Because it was one of my happiest moment in my life (setakat ni la) and I refused to comprehend the layers upon layers of old grudge.
I shut it all off.
Because I was too happy.
Because I was too excited.
Am I to blame? Yes. Definitely yes.
It is true. I am somewhat a Penakut. It is a contradictary self-image I possesed since I-don't-know-when. Bipolarity would be one of the reasons for it. Many would never believe such a thing is possible, claiming that it is a pathetic self-justification. They think is put-on for to make merry with flaws and weaknesses. I, in the other hand would not have known myself NOT being bipolar. To me, being otherwise is a put-on. It's not just me thinking that, it's me feeling that and it's me acting just that.
I can be smarter by the day, everybody progresses from day to day with their intelligence but what is attainable in a book would never even hint a possibility in a decade when it comes to the wisdom department. We can all be smart like cats and dogs and everything in between, but wisdom is a rare pearl. Wisdom is a state of enlightenment where actions are purely based on a responsive sense of pattern and possibility. It is somewhat foreknowledge that envisage the pattern of chaos rather than dreading the derision of it.
I am far from reaching this level of enlightenment. Very very very far away.
Being analytical, I know for a fact that deeds and misdeeds are cycles. It is derived from the Pay It Forward theory. If you get molested by an adult when you are smaller, you will build up a livid distaste for people whom had acted or acts in a similar personage but at the same time develop to be one. You know what I mean. Intelligence, of course can distinct the disastrous pattern or cycle of an action but only wisdom could deflect it. It is how God punish those who have not attained wisdom from their experiences, by giving them a taste of being the punisher after suffering as a victim for so long, only to experience a graver sense of grief and a reconcilable notion of distress which will require some heavy duty healing.
There are many kind of people in the world; people who embraced life with a full plate with no concern of the present trend whatsoever like Le Corbusier, people who embraced life by the knife like Domino Harvey and people who embraced life with habitual bliss, like most of us.
I'm feeling dissapointed at myself for not mustering enough courage to face the consequences of prolonged silence. Silence. Silence is a very confusing, no, misleading void. It creates illusions, false perceptions and imaginations for the moment of silence do not silent the mind, it makes it speak louder. Louder, louder, angrier, angrier until it shouts nothing but nonsense.
It makes me wonder why sanctuary is easily found in disparity and anger is easily found in plesantary. It still does. When people feed their greed, they do just that, a singular motion of reception that invites a bigger feed. and when disparity is befallen in a sudden, sometimes unsuspected manner, a state of peace is achieved in a sceond. God is great.
I am confused. I am scared. I am very fucked-up. But I need to break the cycle. I need to gain wisdom over the cycle that would've cost me my happiness and the happiness of othe lifes affected by mine. I need to confront them. I am destined to be confronted by dilemmas others would've happily engross and trap themselves with. I am destined to be someone who would bring a hault to the shallow entrapment of eternal self-justification. I am destined to NOT be jaded by these events and make a lesson out of it. Everybody does the same, learning life lessons but very few manage to redeem themselves from it which can easily damage their hearts.
What can be broken without being touched?
Every marathon starts with a breeze, develops into a peak of exhaustion in the middle and ends with a satisfying panting.
Whatever it is, I am pretty sure this is going to take some time; to teach myself the reality of human emotion. To enlighten myself with a holistic approach to things. Only then could I enlighten others to do the same.
But Still, I am still scared. It'll be better if we all get a taste of a biscuit and force it out at the same time to laugh at each others red nauseous faces.
It is my fault, I know but can you make it easier for me to improve myself?
I'm not trying, I know but can you make me want to try?
I'm a good liar, I know but can you make it easier for me to tell the truth?
I'm Afiq, I know but can you love me as I am?