My Islam, Your Islam

After lunch at Tok's, I decided to survey camera batteries at a nearby shopping complex. I parked my car in front of Sports Toto and spotted a typical Lebai (with serban and kain pelikat) exiting the premise with tickets. I shook my head and walked pass him like a breeze. What I felt inside me however was no breeze. It was a brewing purple cloud with piercing thunder barely penetrating the thick swirls of fury.

This purple cloud, this deep hatred towards displays of Islam-related oxymoronic behaviours had plague me for much of my life. It made me avoid anything deemed as Islamic, prompting me to explore Islam on my own. This is why I took it upon myself to blatantly disregard anything considered Islamic even though I secretly obliged Islam's jurisprudence and customs. This is why I avoided mosques and prefer praying stealthily.

I wasn't being contrary for the sake of it. I was just, you know, torn apart.

Islam was the source of my mother's vindication that scarred my youth. Her bad choices that affected the whole family was all, according to her, a prescribed 'Ad-Deen' way of life.

Islam was written on the badge of my tahfiz jubah I wore when I saw my Ustaz comparing his penis to one of my friend's before taking 'measurements' for a new outfit.

Islam was the excuse used for fellow students who kicked a dying man who fell down from the 2nd floor after he was caught having sex with male student.

Islam, Islam, Islam.

I know. I know Islam played no part in the deterioration of the human condition nor did it assist the devastation caused by it's very name. I know. I do find it funny how I was exposed to a large dosage of muslims' hypocrisy even before I fully embrace Islam. Maybe that's why I think my Islam and their Islam is different.

My Islam wants me to be patient, caring, driven, tactful, critical, innovative and progressive and their Islam wants them to be impatient, caring, complacent, hysterical, critical, ignorant and defensive.

My Islam wants me to learn about life's many mysteries and live my life the best way possible.

Their Islam wants them to learn about Islam and live their life for Islam, in the name of Islam.

I have my religion, and you have yours.

But once in a while I see and meet people who practice Islam the way my Islam taught me how to. People like Yvonne Ridley, Yasmin Ahmad, Lubna, Baba Ali, Outlandish etc. Simple folks who live their life with their Islam.

If all muslims are more like them, I would gladly go to mosques and join congregations. I would be more than happy to hear khutbahs about healthy eating and exercise.

If only, eh?

TNB to Sue WWF Over Earth Hour

KUALA LUMPUR Tenaga Nasional Berhad (TNB), Malaysias premier energy provider today announced that they were taking legal action against the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) for organising the Earth Hour, a global movement that makes a stand against climate change by turning off all non-essential lights and electrical equipment for an hour every year.

In a Press conference, TNB president and CEO Dato Sri Che Khalib Mohd Noh said that the annual worldwide symbolic gesture, which this year would be observed this Saturday at 8.30pm, is nothing more than an arrogant and thoughtless viral movement aimed to hurt power companies such as TNB.

Before you complain about this terrible piece of information in your FB status and Twitter, be reminded that this news is FAKE. Yes, it's all bogus.

It's just a prank launched by a parody news website that viraled out of hand.

The fact that this prank news is very believable in nature shows our general opinion on TNB.

TNB to Sue WWF Over Earth Hour?

KUALA LUMPUR Tenaga Nasional Berhad (TNB), Malaysias premier energy provider today announced that they were taking legal action against the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) for organising the Earth Hour, a global movement that makes a stand against climate change by turning off all non-essential lights and electrical equipment for an hour every year.

In a Press conference, TNB president and CEO Dato Sri Che Khalib Mohd Noh said that the annual worldwide symbolic gesture, which this year would be observed this Saturday at 8.30pm, is nothing more than an arrogant and thoughtless viral movement aimed to hurt power companies such as TNB.

Before you complain about this terrible piece of information in your FB status and Twitter, be reminded that this news is FAKE. Yes, it's all bogus.

It's just a prank launched by a parody news website that viraled out of control.

The fact that this prank news is very believable in nature shows our general opinion on TNB. TNB, a subject of ridicule of local rapper Namawee in his youtube video Namawee Fuck TNB Malaysia is regarded as a failing monopoly.

TNB recorded a net loss of RM944 milllion in the first quarter to November 30 2008 owing to weak electricity demand, higher coal prices and a weak ringgit.

Hmph. It just doesn't make sense to me. How can a monopoly of a much sought resource failed to even make a cent.

Can you imagine what would've happened if we switch all electrical appliances off for an hour everyday. Sure bankrupt one.

Kenapa?

Kenapa banyak filem melayu dubbing suara?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Kenapa?

Self Deprecating Malays

I am one of them, mind you.

I read local tabloid magazines with a hint of disgust. I scrutinise local celebrities' use of 'Hanya Allah yang tahu' when confronted with embarrassing stories about them. I think most Malaysian artistes are well-honed hypocrites.

I read western tabloid magazines with a hint of fascination. I try to understand Hollywood celebrities' justifications when confronted with embarrassing stories about them. I think most Hollywood artistes are personifications of a desirable lifestyle.

This Hujan Batu di negeri sendiri Hujan Emas di negeri orang lain attitude is very common in developing countries. This seemingly self-destructing behavior actually fuels people's drive to attain success in an international accord.

South Korean artistes fashioned themselves to mimic Hollywood way of life until they reach a milestone that made the Korean Wave possible. Now, they are leading the way in popular music, fashion and film. The same can be said to their athletes, businesses and cultures.

The difference between them (south koreans) and us is that we channel our self deprecation differently. They aspire to better and we aspire to be worse. They make no excuse of their failures and we justify our excuses as palpable evidence of something that is certain and unchangeable.

In a nutshell; when a korean pop star lost in a singing competition, he/she will say:

My performance wasn't good enough. My dance routine could be better and my voice lacked personality. I will do better next time.

And when a Malaysian pop star lost:

Mungkin hari ni rezeki dia. Saya dah buat yang terbaik tapi kalau itu yang peminat dan hakim mahukan, saya tidak boleh buat apa-apa. Saya hanya lakukan yang terbaik.

It is fascinating how Malaysia and Korea started developing around the same time. Korean and Malaysian national football team were bitter rivals. Now they are in the FIFA finals and our national team is the 152nd in the world's ranking.

Bakar Utusan Tanda Biadap?

KUALA LUMPUR 23 Mac - Seorang penyokong kerajaan hari ini menyifatkan tindakan orang Melayu membakar akhbar Utusan Malaysia baru-baru ini sebagai perbuatan paling biadab terhadap bangsanya sendiri.

Datuk Mohamed Aziz (BN-Sri Gading) berkata, sejak ditubuhkan pada 1939, Utusan Melayu telah memainkan peranan amat penting iaitu bertindak sebagai suara orang Melayu dalam proses menuntut kemerdekaan selain menjadi organ perubahan kaum itu.

''Kepada orang Melayu yang membakar akhbar Utusan Malaysia beberapa minggu lalu, sedarkah bahawa perbuatan mereka ini paling biadab kepada kaum Melayu.

Really?

Wow. So you're telling me that burning a Utusan is a gesture of insolence towards the malay race?

Really?

If that is so, I'm guilty of desecrating my own race a few thousand times. I've used Utusan Malaysia to burn charcoal, flame bonfires and even used it to wipe my ass during emergencies (no clean water in the forest while camping)

I also commited treason to my own race by selling Utusan Malaysia to chinese paper recycling vans. (Kaw kaw ko chi, paper lama!)

I get the symbolism revolving this furor but Utusan Malaysia IS NOT a bona fide symbol of malayu. It is a newspaper co-owned by UMNO and spreads news with BN leanings. It is a UMNO propaganda machine. Almost all newspapers are propaganda machines.

Utusan Malaysia -UMNO
Sinaran -PKR
Harakah -PAS
MCA -The Star

If I slam UMNO, does this mean that I am being disrespectful to malays? If I hantam PAS, I am a murtad?

Sheesh. Kalau bakar satay adakah saya anti-satay?

Bakar Utusan Malaysia

KUALA LUMPUR 23 Mac - Seorang penyokong kerajaan hari ini menyifatkan tindakan orang Melayu membakar akhbar Utusan Malaysia baru-baru ini sebagai perbuatan paling biadab terhadap bangsanya sendiri.

Datuk Mohamed Aziz (BN-Sri Gading) berkata, sejak ditubuhkan pada 1939, Utusan Melayu telah memainkan peranan amat penting iaitu bertindak sebagai suara orang Melayu dalam proses menuntut kemerdekaan selain menjadi organ perubahan kaum itu.

''Kepada orang Melayu yang membakar akhbar Utusan Malaysia beberapa minggu lalu, sedarkah bahawa perbuatan mereka ini paling biadab kepada kaum Melayu.

Really?

Seriously?

10 Things I Refuse to Do as I Grow Up

1. I refuse to act adult-ish. You know the drill. During gatherings or functions, I am expected to handle myself with an acceptable dose of machoness. If everyone acts macho, what's the point of being individuals?

2. I refuse to stop doing the little things. Little things like smelling my tea before drinking it. Or changing the channel every 10 seconds. Or attempting to burp, fart and sneeze at the same time. These little things are the things worth preserving because.. just because.

3. I refuse to stop listening and watching new things. The accumulative nature of life actions and reactions dictates that we deparmentalise interests, making them narrower and narrower. As we define the things that we like and don't like, we tend to choose films and music that we think we will like without the youthful urge to experiment. This explains why Opah can only tolerate family conflict-type malay dramas.

4. I refuse to have a 9 to 5 job.

5. I refuse to

Dog Abused at Kepong KTM Station

Read about all it here.

It is appalling that the KTM officers in charge there did not even attempt to save the poor canine.

The dog was allegedly abused by Kuala Lumpur City Hall workers because a Minister is going to visit the station next week.

This attitude towards dog (especially stray dogs) isn't all that surprising. When I was 9, my school bus driver ran over dogs resting on the sides of roads like it was a competitive sport.

Last year, I saw a group of teenagers killing a dog by throwing rocks at it. I called the police but the woman who answered my call dismissed my report. She told me that incidents like the one I witnessed are too 'biasa' to be reported to the police.

This kind of atrocity directly reflects our attitude towards living beings, albeit animals or people.

I remembered a conversation between a son and a father I overheard at a bus station. The conversation was triggered by a passing stray dog.

Son: Abah, kenapa Allah cipta anjing kalau anjing tu haram?

Father: Sama lah macam kad terup dan arak. Benda-benda tu pun datang daripada Allah jugak tapi sebagai orang Islam kita kenalah buang benda-benda tu.

(rolls eyes)

Sintok

Making 'JEMPUT'

I'm currently preoccupied with a short film I wrote a few days ago.

It will be my first comedy shortie.

It is about a SPM-quarantined teenager who attempts to greet his friend at the train station no matter what the cost. Jemput will make its debut in this blog next week!

The Banning of Minarets

There is a furor within muslim communities over Switzerland's decision to ban minarets in its country. I personally don't see why muslims should be angry of the Swiss government's decision.

Minarets do not represent Islam in any way because Islam had made it clear that any physical representation of Allah and His prophets are un-Islamic and not allowed. The same can be said about the representation of Islam.

The typical design of mosques is still considered as a symbol of Islam. Domes, minarets and arches are made to believe to be descended by Prophet Muhammad and Allah. If you are one of those people, let me teach you something about the history of minarets and mosques.

During the prophet's time, any piece of land used by a congregation to perform prayers are called Masjid which means 'place of worship'. After Prophet Muhammad's death, the religion began to spread all over asia, africa and europe by several empires, the most notable being the Ottoman turks. When they arrive is Spain, they were impressed by the design of existing churches there. As they continued with their conquests, they were awestrucked by a church in Constantinople. That church was Hagia Sophia.

The Hagia Sophia was then converted into a mosque. Out of respect, christian ornaments such as the cross and paintings of Jesus Christ were maintained. If you visit the Hagia Sophia today, you can see Arabic Khat of Allah and Prophet Muhammad across a gigantic cross.

Because of the church's shear beauty, they replicated the design in the construction of other mosques and that started the design trend of mosques to this very day.

The word minaret comes from the worn An-Nar which means 'fire'. Minarets were first constructed along the beaches of the Mediterranean sea as beacons ( a sort of lighthouse) for approaching ships. Flames were flared on the highest peak of the beacons. These innovative constructions were called Minnar by persians. This is how minarets and menara gets its name.

So as you can see, there is nothing Godly or Islamic about the design or existence of minarets.

Today, minarets are not used to broadcast the time of prayer anymore because there are electrical speakers on roofs now that can emit sound to a wide radius. Minarets today are merely decorations.

The fact the domes are still constructed in mosques is to me an unsolved mystery. Domes were used those days because there were no speakers and microhones. The interior structure of a dome helps with the acoustic of mosques so the congregation can hear the Imams clearly. Today, domes are decorations because it does not function as acoustic devices anymore. The resources saved from making domes can be used to construct offices and community halls in mosques.

Islam is not a stagnant religion. It is a religion of progress. That is why it forbids any form of symbolism or representations so it can be adapted into different times and places.

There is nothing wrong with the banning of minarets in Islam. If you find that it is offensive, it is strictly your personal opinion and has no correlation to the conduct of Islam.

Pelat

Ajai pelat S. When he say S it will sound like Sh. Shaya shuka shangat shua shushu dekat shi comel. (did you just mind-pronounced comel shomel?) Ajai's pelat makes his otherwise mediocre singing voice range unique.

However, it is inexcusable for actors to be pelat. Pierre Andre too pronounce S as Sh. His T has a tsch sound to it. Putscheri, shaya shayang shangat dekat awak.

Indians who speaks tamil as their first language finds it difficult to pronounce V and W. W will sound like V and vice-versa. I vas wery vorried about the wapour coming out of the wan.

Chinese who speaks chinese a lot often mispronounce L and R. This is because in pasar mandarin, hokkien and cantonese, they rarely get to roll their tongues. So it is inevitable that lorry will sound like a girl's name and right and light is the same bloody thing.

Kadazan people pronounce Z as J and vice-versa. Kau kena mau pigi jikir dulu baru bayar jakat dengan zemaah lain sebelum sia pigi zemput Zohn. But Jesus is Yesus, Yesus Benar.

I used to have problems pronouncing the word Allah. It was always either Auwoh or Alah. My parents were really angry at me for not being able to pronounce God's name correctly. Parents those days were pushy and unforgiving. Takde Oprah lagi waktu tu.

What if a person is pelat cina-india-kadazan-pierre andre-young afiq deen

I vant you tscho wishit me atch my wan sho ve can shettle aull of our pasht shtrain. Lide my woluptious ash and zourney intscho the liwers of zoy shtraightch tscho the my ziwing wazayzay. I'll shtroke your hard lock tschool and shuck it untchil itsch leady tscho bursht. Oh baby, oh.

Lucahnya.

Google Trying Very Hard Not to be Evil

Malaysian Chinese Stereotypes

I have a lot of chinese friends. Most of my best friends are chinese. My ex-stepdad is also chinese so I celebrated Chinese New Year at his hometown at Sandakan a few times. Our culture, state of mind and attitude is so different that it is not surprising to see how the chinese and malays are living seperate lives.

Like the malays, chinese people have adopted various mindsets and some even have evolved to live their lives with a more enlightened way of thinking.

But like the malays, most chinese have not inched a bit from their old ways. Here are some of my insights of streotypes of Malaysian chinese that are still prevalent to this very day:

1. Kiasu maniacs on the road. Oh yes, the chinese are still no.1 on the road. You might argue that malays and indians are also kiasu but the simple truth is they learned it from the master of kiasuism: the chinese. Even the word kiasu is Hokkien for 'afraid of losing'.

2. Would rather bribe than to go through the system. The thing is, most chinese are financially competent and they can actually afford to bribe when running into legal hiccups. Speed ticket, jail, you name it! I've seen one too many cases of chinese people bribing their way out of legal predicament. And as a son of a contractor, I can tell you that for most chinese businessmen, bribing is their way of life.

3. Connections connections connections. Because almost everything sold in Malaysia are transacted by chinese businessmen, the chinese are very well connected. They even have their own persatuan or association that gives out loan for new businesses to flourish. Check out their business cards, they literally have thousands.

4. They smell funny in the morning. That's because most chinese do not take morning baths. I'm not sure why this is but a chinese friend told me that it is because they are too busy making money in the morning to take baths. Hahaha! Touche~

5. They have small penises. I've showered in open stalls in 3 schools before and so far, I still hold the rumour as believable. Most chinese have relatively smaller penises than other races in Malaysia. Not all okay... most. I think this is a result of evolution because for centuries, the chinese have been holding back from making a lot of babies. Smaller penises have higher sperm trajectory rate, which makes reproduction a lot easier.

6. They have poor hygene. I won't exactly agree 100% with this stereotype because like us malays, even the chinese have different cleanliness standard. And for those who don't know this, they actually wash their asses like everybody else in Malaysia, with water.

7. Thinks malays are lazy. They do! Really. The chinese are by far the most hardworking race in Malaysia so it is natural for them to get pissed off when the malays get pampered with incentives, scholarships and government loans.

8. They always want to migrate. The issue here has nothing to do with national loyalty. For centuries, the chinese migrate to other nations to enjoy a better standard of living. They migrate when they think that the economical state in their home is too dense for further progress. The most popular migration choice today is Australia and Canada.

9. They are cheats and liars. Although this is a very common stereotype, the truth is the chinese only cheat and lie when it comes to business. And they only do so to people who are either naive or ignorant about the product in question. Malays are of course easy targets because most of them are both naive and ignorant.

10. They are mini Hitlers. Chinese bosses are famous for being ruthless, insensitive and cold. I personally think that this leadership style is a necessity for the chinese because of their general lack of self control. This is why countries populated by a huge percentage of chinese people impose super strict laws under impenetrable goverments like China and Singapore. Countries with more democratic freedom like Hong Kong and Taiwan are homes to the biggest and most profitable triads and gangs.

Al-Islam Minta Maaf

Good.

You know what Al-Islam reporters did last year?

They went to a church to investigate for themselves a series of alleged apostasy (murtad)conducted by the church. As it turned out, the church didn't apostasies anyone and the day's prayer was like any other.

Disguised as christians, the reporters ate ritual wafers given by the priest, spat it out and took pictures of the salivated remains. Then they published the picture in Al-Islam magazine.

Whaaaat? Are you sure they are not Mastika reporters?

Thank goodness they apologised for their ignorance and insensitivity. And stupidity.

Can the magazine please change its name...? The word Islam should not be associated with a bunch of suspicious and ignorant bigots with superiority complex.

When We Were Young

I never had a good memory. I was considered a slow memoriser when I was in tahfiz. When other students memorise three to four pages of Quran a day, I could only manage a page. The most obvious indication of my poor memory is my inability to memorise people's name. Eventhough I sometimes can't remember how to spell simple words like disappear or dissatisfied, I can remember emotions surprisingly well.

In a nutshell, my memory is dedicated to emotional stimulis like drama, anger, confusion, curiousity etc. I can remember vividly how I ran from a enraged chicken or how I was locked in a store room for lying. I remembered the pride I felt when I earned my first ringgit like it happened a few seconds ago.

Because of this shortcoming, I keep a journal and 4 years ago, I started this blog.

Kamu Hipokrit Jika Kamu...

....pantang tok nenek anak cucu cicit kamu berjudi di kasino di Genting atau di franchise Sports Toto dan 4D berdekatan tetapi kamu sendiri suscriber perkhidmatan 4D sms yang diiklankan di Harian Metro.

....menentang artis seperti Beyonce, Pussycat Dolls dan Mariah Carey daripada datang membuat persembahan di Malaysia kerana pakaian mereka yang menjolok mata tapi kamu sendiri mempunyai koleksi CD atau DVD persembahan dangdut artis hangat dari seberang.

....merasakan anal sex itu tidak dikira sebagai zina.

....naik angin apabila ada kes buang anak tetapi bila ahli keluarga sendiri terlanjur, terus dibuang rumah dan tak mengaku ada hubungan darah lagi.

....terliur apabila menonton Taylor Lautner tidak berbaju dalam NewMoon tetapi membantah sekeras-kerasnya aksi buka baju Faizal Tahir.

....merasakan artis Malaysia langsung tiada kelas tetapi menggemari selebriti Hollywood seperti Kim Kardashian dan Paris Hilton yang popular disebabkan video seks mereka.

....memulakan umpatan kamu dengan "Aku bukan nak mengumpat, tapi...."

....mengakhiri umpatan kamu dengan "Wallahualam."

....mencela gambar aksi panas artis tempatan tetapi mempunyai gambar aksi panas buatan sendiri dalam telefon bimbit.

....takut akan pontianak tapi mencintai Edward Cullen.

....berfikir tentang memboikot barangan Israel dan Amerika Syarikat sambil menikmati Double Prosperity Burger di McDonald's.

....memarahi anak kerana tidak mahu membayar bil Astro kamu (walaupun mereka mampu) tetapi membiarkan anak kamu meminjam wang PTPTN (walaupun kamu mampu)

....beranggapan bahawa menilik nasib amalan yang syirik tetapi membaca horoskop kamu setiap pagi.

....mengejek orang yang mempunyai payudara silikon atau saline yang palsu tetapi kamu sendiri menyumbat dua lapisan padding di dalam coli.

....mengeluh "Mentaliti kelas ketiga betul..." sambil kencing tanpa menaikkan dahulu tempat duduk jamban.

....seorang ahli politik.

False Modesty

I'm not talking about clothes that looks transparent under the all-seeing camera flash.

It is in our malay culture to be modest in everything we do. Humility is also an intergral part of being a muslim. Malu sebahagian daripada iman.

But there are always people who claim that they are humble and modest but directly imply sly arrogance. I see this a lot in interviews, talk shows, speeches and facebook status. It's not much about the way one expresses their humility, but the emboldening of the intentional irony yells I'm the GREATEST at what I do!

Of course there is nothing wrong of being proud of one's accomplishments and skills but when it is done with a false sense of insecurity, I feel like expressing my feelings with a WWE concealed chair. Bam! Bam! Bam!

The most common form of false modesty are picture captions. One would post a picture of oneself *smoiling and write a caption like "I look fat in this one" or "omg I'm so fugly". So as expected, friends will give complimentary comments to boost up their otherwise downtrodden self-esteem. What's wrong with just leaving the caption space blank if you don't have the nerve to write "I chanteq dalam gambar neh!"

example:

caption: Baru bangun tido huhu. Muka cam selebeh pagi ni...

What's the dilly yo?

*smoiling

origin: combination of of the word smiling and spoiling.

definition: distortion of either the lips, nose, cheeks or eyes to hide the presumed ugliest feature of the face.

I Want More Blog Entries On...

I'm running a poll for a week to find out what YOU would like to see/read more on my blog. Be a sport and vote for your favourite kind of blog entry on the upper right poll feature.

If you have any suggestions, write it down in this entry's comment. Use anonymous nicks if you feel that you have to.

Drawing Diversity

I sometimes sketch when I'm bored. Sometimes. I'm not very good in sketching.

I cut some of the sketches I made of people throughout last year and made a short video about diversity. Enjoy.