Poster Yang Jujur

Poster filem banyak mempengaruhi pilihan kita di panggung wayang. Seperti yang korang sedia maklum, ada filem yang posternya bodoh tapi filemnya menarik dan ada juga yang poster seperti meronta-ronta WOW tapi filem macam OMGAKUAGAKDAHFILEMMELAYUMEMANGBODOH.

Cuba bayangkan bertapa senangnya hidup jikalau poster-poster filem semuanya jujur? Tak perlulah kita berasa dendam yang membara setelah keluar panggung kerana terang-terang ditipu poster yang menjanjikan 2 jam yang menarik.

Contohnya...

Poster yang paling jujur ialah poster yang beri warning kepada penonton terlebih dahulu supaya tidak membuat pilihan yang salah seperti:

CIKGU MALA VS CHUA SOI LEK

Malaysian Man Abuse Dog

You can read the whole news here: Howl Over Dog-Beater Video

AYAM GETING OL'

I am getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Since I reached my prime age of 21, I can feel myself deteriorating slowly but surely. Now at 23, everything in me is slowing down. When I was younger, I didn't have to do anything specific to keep fit. I was just naturally fit. Now, I have to freaking exercise!

Exercise, as in cardio and weights. And every time I exercise, I am reminded of the certainty of death. That state of mind will then manifest into a semi-conscious mental experience of dying. You know; weakening of nerves, blurring of vision and kapooots: darkness. Scary.

In a nutshell every time I exercise, I am reminded of the grimness of vacuum in-existence. But when I don't exercise, I can literally feel death closing in on me faster. So it is no wonder that whenever I finish a routine, I will cast a sinister look. Like this:

That is my "Yes, I am dying!" look.

The thought of death is just so mind-boggling that I can't wrap my mind around it. My whole existence will cease to exist and I will feel no pain, bliss, hope, love, facebook, lust, nothing!

This concludes my thoughts after today's 2 hours exercise routine. Sekian.

Awek Melayu Gersang

I'm very sorry for not posting afiqsays videos for two weeks. To make up for my absence, I made a very suggestive and euphemism-filled video entitled Awek Melayu Gersang.

Why Awek Melayu Gersang? Trendbuzz. The most popular Malaysian youtube videos are mostly false promises of porn and what better way to surf along the current trend than to thread along that context.

The idea came about when I noticed how suggestive tudung clad malay girls can be when they are with their boyfriends. The way they eat, walk, sit and drink; sex is heavily suggested. In this day and age, Gen Y guys like has entered the 'omg I think I have to get married soon' phase so it is most unhelpful if our girlfriends (no matter how conservative they may appear) craves nothing else but sex.

Awek Melayu Gersang is a guide for guys my age to differentiate quality canaries from hungry crows. And yes, viewer's discretion advised. 18 and above only yo! If you're below 18, don't blame me if you suddenly have a BlackSwan-ish transformation into a horny crow. Your fault entirely!

This is my first very very very lucah video but I had a lot of fun making it. The worst part to make in the video is the ais potong scene. My cousin bought durian flavored ais potong and I had to pretend to like it. Worst ice-cream flavor ever invented in my opinion.

More videos to come every week so subscribe to Afiqsays now :)

Malaysian Today 25 Under 25

I got in Malaysian Today's 25 under 25!

Okay, I have to warn you, the picture of myself in the magazine is a bit cacat (all my fault because I chose the picture) but who cares when you are grouped with Amani, Lisa Surihani and Azizul Hasni right? Right?

Wrong!

I should've chosen a different picture!

TEO NIE CHING AND THE BLOODY JIHAD CHICKEN

Read the full news here.

MENGUTIP SYILING JUGA DIKIRA MENCURI

REMBAU 18 Jan. – Kebiasaannya orang ramai tidak berani menghampiri kemalangan jalan raya, lebih-lebih lagi jika ia berlaku di tengah lebuh raya.

Namun keadaan itu berbeza hari ini apabila pengguna lebuh raya sanggup bergadai nyawa untuk mengutip duit syiling 10 sen, 20 sen dan 50 sen yang bertaburan sepanjang 100 meter di atas Lebuh Raya Utara-Selatan dan kawasan rumput berhampiran di sini.

Semuanya disebabkan sebuah kenderaan pacuan empat roda (4WD) Toyota Hilux yang membawa sebuah peti besi besar berisi duit syiling dirempuh sebuah kereta BMW sebelum terbabas dan terbalik di Kilometer 234, susur keluar Pedas, dekat sini, petang ini.

Ketika ini, orang ramai masih berpusu-pusu mengutip lebihan duit syiling sehingga anggota polis terpaksa mengawal keadaan kerana bimbang kejadian lebih buruk akan berlaku di lokasi kejadian. – Utusan

Korang tak tahu ke yang duit tu orang yang punya maka ia HARAM untuk diambil begitu sahaja. Itu kira mencuri. Apa ke ngok mereka yang sanggup gadaikan nyawa semata-mata nak kutip 10,20 dan 50 sen! Dah lah mencuri, lepas tu kasi jam jalan.

Cuba kalau korang terlepas baby korang dari riba dan tiba-tiba makcik random ambil dan buat macam baby tu dia yang punya. Mencuri kan tu? Okay analogi yang agak extreme but the point is apa-apa pun, curi tetap curi. Baby atau duit syiling, semuanya dalam kategori mencuri juga lah genius.

Kalau nak curi sesuatu tanpa berdosa senang sahaja. Curilah hatiku ini. (saya masih single)

; )

1000 Facebook LIKES and I'll Colour My Hair

I am known for my long jet black blob of a hair and for 23 years, I am content with the way I look. That was until an online friend told me that he saw me at the streets and he thinks that I should try something new with my hair. I didn't want to do anything drastic but then again, life is boring without a little challenge.

So I decided to make an online challenge.

Simple, if Afiqsays Facebook Page gets 1000 Likes, I will colour my hair with the most voted hair colour. But I have reservations though, I will only colour my hair with one of these colours.

Red

Purple

Pink

Green

Brown

Blue

I promise I will not chicken out from this. And to prove my commitment to this challenge, I will formally take an online oath.

Here goes...

I, Mohd Afiq Deen Azizan will colour my hair with the most voted colour if Afiqsays Facebook Page gets 1000 LIKES.

So scoot on over to Afiqsays Facebook Page and LIKE it. Don't forget to vote for your favourite colour at the sidebar poll.

UMMI HAFILDA MAHU DEBAT DENGAN ANWAR

If you haven't heard it yet, Ummi Hafilda wants to debate with Anwar Ibrahim. Like most of you guys, I don't have the time and attention span to be bothered about our country's constant politicking. Against all odds, I read through the news and I'm here to deliver the gist of this month's heated discussion.

Kuantantan

I just got back from Kuantan. Kuantan is a quaint city, almost similar to my kampung Alor Setar

DI PANTAI TELUK CEMPEDAK

I just got back from Kuantantan where I supposedly helped my aunt move to her new home. Supposedly lah.

I strolled along Telok Cempedak during dusk and it was extremely windy. There were many young couples walking along the beach and I happened to overheard a conversation between a brawny boyfriend and his petite girlfriend.

GF: Nyamannya...

BF: Kencang!

GF: Kencang?

BF: Kencang seperti cinta abang pada you...

BF dan GF memandang satu sama lain.

GF: Abang, abah I tanya bila you nak masuk meminang?

BF: Cantik betul matahari waktu-waktu macam ni! You kata apa?

GF: I kata...

BF: Angin kuat sangat, I tak dengar apa-apa. Jom jalan dekat sikit dengan laut.

Identiti Rahsia Istimewa

Kalau afiq bayangkan identiti rahsia istimewa, mesti terfikir tentang Superman dan Clark Kent atau Batman dan Bruce Wayne, takpun Keluang Man dan Borhan. Memang ada manusia yang beridentiti watak komikal didalam dunia sebenar seperti The Penguin atau identiti rahsianya, Ibrahim Ali. The Penguin: Presiden North Pole yang mahu mempertahankan hak-hak penguin sedunia dengan menggunakan mereka untuk dijadikan bom untuk membunuh Batman.

Identiti rahsianya sebagai Ibrahim Ali: Presiden Perkasa yang mahu mempertahankan hak-hak melayu denggan menggunakan orang melayu untuk bergaduh dengan orang melayu lain yang kurang kemelayuan, untuk membunuh Batman.

Identiti Rahsia tidak termaktub pada watak komik sahaja. Sesiapa sahaja mungkin ada identiti rahsia. Bapa anda yang tampil alim mungkin seorang Mak Ayam popular di Jalan Haji Taib. Adik anda pula mungkin anak salah seorang pelacur dibawah jagaan Madam Joyah (nama samaran bapa anda) Siapa tahu?

Shideo Tokuda, 76, merupakan orang tua Jepun biasa pada luaran. Seorang orang tua yang dah lama bersara, Shideo Tokuda mempunya identiti rahsia yang tidak diketahui bini dan anak perempuannya. Ketika dia tidak menghabiskan masa yang tinggal di dunia yang fana ini dengan keluarganya, Shideo Tokuda bekerja sebagai pelakon porno sub-genre 'mature'.

Tak perlu lagi afiq beritahu yang orang Jepun ni memang sedikit aneh. Porno sahaja ada beratus sub-genre. Ketika tinggal di dorm dahulu, ada seorang kawan afiq (oh, kawan ye...) yang ada fetish tonton porno Jepun yang 'menarik' dan unik dan salah satu daripada koleksi haramnya ialah adegan-adegan golongan atok-atok dengan awek-awek yang setengah abad lebih muda.
Tokuda sudah berlakon dalam 350 filem lucah. Bertuah betul orang tua ni!

Well, identiti rahsianya masih tak diketahui isteri dan anaknya sebab mereka memang tak minat tengok adegan guru yang merotan anak muridnya yang berlaku nakal sehingga murid tersebut menjerit dan meronta-ronta kenikmatan. Ya, imej tersebut akan melekat di kepala otak korang selama (sekurang-kurangnya) seminggu.

Anda ingat filem Nacho Libre? Sebenarnya, filem tersebut berdasarkan cerita sebenar seorang bekas penagih dadah yang insaf dan menjadi seorang paderi di rumah anak yatim di Mexico. Father Sergio Bertinez merupakan paderi yang komited tapi pada waktu malam, dia transform menjadi Fray Tormenta!
Father Sergio bukannya mahu popular atau kaya, dia cuma mahu menanggung perbelanjaan anak yatim piatu yang dijaganya. Selama 20 tahun Fray Tormenta beraksi, wang yang dikumpul digunakan untuk memberi pendidikan yang secukupnya untuk anak-anak yatim piatu. Hari ini, anak-anak yatim yang dijaga Father Sergio semuanya pekerja professionals yang berjaya belaka.

Afiq juga kenal beberapa orang yang mempunyai identiti rahsia istimewa:

Misalnya Saidatul Adawiyah (bukan nama sebenar), seorang Ustazah sekolah menengah juga merupakan blogger gossip yang terkemuka kerana merupakan blogger yang pertama mempublish gambar Zurina Ann Julie yang separuh bogel tu.

Bekas roommate afiq dulu merupakan bapa kepada 3 orang anak tetapi pada waktu pagi-pagi buta, dia akan keluar bilik memakai baju ke-diva-an yang berbling-bling. Setelah lama hairan dengan hobi pakcik kelate tersebut, baru afiq mendapat maklumat yang Abe (bukan nama samaran sebenar) merupakan performer Sharifah Aini di satu kelab malam yang popular dengan performer amfibia/dua alam. Rakan yang agak rapat afiq dahulu merupakan remaja normal yang sudah berawek tetapi afiq telah mengantoikan identiti rahsianya yang agak memalukan.

Oleh kerana dia meninggalkan afiq didalam biliknya keseorangan untuk membeli milo ais di kafeteria, afiq terserempak koleksi foto dia yang telanjang bersama lelaki-lelaki lain yang gemuk yang punyai badan yang berlapis-lapis seperti Jabba the Hutt. Rupa-rupanya Imran Khalidi Bin Imran Naim (bukan nama sebenar) ialah seorang Serial Chubby Chaser! (sila google kalau anda puasa hari ini)

Afiq pasti Malaysia mempunya ramai orang yang mempunyai identiti rahsia kerana kita tidak pernah kurang manusia yang hipokrit dan bermuka-muka.

Kalau anda ada satu identiti rahsia, apakah ia? Oh haahkan, kalau rahsia mana boleh bagitahu orang.

Bengong.

TEO NIE CHING SEKSI DAN BUKA AURAT DI MASJID?

Why do some Malaysians hate Teo Nie Ching so much? What's the dilly yo? Her first outrage was when she spoke in a surau to give a sum of donation. She wore a baju kebaya.

The next day, drones of Malaysians criticized her for not respecting Islam by wearing aurat-revealing clothes. She also angered (apparently) a lot of people for giving a short speech before handing over the donations. In effect to that outrage, non-muslims are no longer allowed to enter a mosque. This is the most impulsive, idiotic and bigoted ruling ever! Since then, tourists and non-muslims are no longer allowed to appreciate the architecture and beauty of the practice of Islam.

A lot of people called me a liberal for not seeing anything wrong with Teo's actions so I browsed around the internet and read several blog posts regarding this issue, one of which is this one by Bahtera Merdeka.

Is it just me or are we getting more and more extreme in 'defending' and 'protecting' Islam without reading the fine prints first? Teo Nie Ching in my opinion is a model MP because she served her people without any distinction of race and religion. Very rare do you see this type of leaders, especially in a country that is subservient to race-based politics.

Now she is under fire again very wearing provocative and tight-fitting clothes while leading an aerobic session near a mosque. It was claimed that her outfit not only disrespects Islam but also demeans the very foundation of modesty. So naturally I imagined her in tight booty hugging leotard but when I saw the actual picture...

You call this sexy??? Where have you lived most of your life? Afghanistan? If this is sexy I don't think I know anything about what sexy is in this day and age.

This sexy outfit brewed a string of new controversies and insults and to that effect, our non-muslim friends are thinking "Hmmm.... so this is Islam."

In my opinion, Teo Nie Ching is a model MP for her involvements with the community regardless of their religions and race. I think people are mad at her not because of her lack of 'modesty' but because she challenged the status quo. How often do you see an MP who 'turun padang' and improve the lives of her constituents?

Naturally, other MPs, who are probably sitting in hotel lounge somewhere are all thinking "If this culture continues, I might actually have to do my job! Amagad!" and instead of commending and exemplifying her efforts, it made perfect sense to them to play the Islam card especially in a country where the people have localized and culture-infused interpretation of the faith.

Just remember folks, we are not the Taliban or the Al-Qaeda. We are peace loving Malaysian muslims. Don't let these politicians distort our understanding of Islam in order to serve their selfish agendas. Be reasonable, be peaceful, be tolerant or simply, just be a real Muslim.

Now what the hell is this???

Bangsa melayu my ass! Don't you idiots know that once you're a muslim, your race and heritage does not matter anymore?

The person who posted this video on Youtube were expecting people to support their effort to uphold the Bangsa Melayu but as you can probably tell, it backfired. More people are supporting Karam Singh Walia now because of this video.

Karam Singh Walia is respectable man who exposed many misdeeds in our country. He also made peribahasa so popular that