Jealousy plays a large role in my life. After 23 years of living, I realize that although jealousy perks me up to work harder, I will also work for all the wrong reason. In a nutshell, jealousy in an emotional steroid, it makes me grow in tremendous speed but I will suffer complications later in life.

I grew up being compared to peers who are smarter, more courteous, more this and more that, so much so that being compared to plays an integral part of identifying my self worth. I know that my mother's intention is good, she wants me to be better, better than this person or that person. I then grew up with that state of mind and to this day, I am forever comparing myself with people that I think is more successful than me. Ingrained or not, I hate feeling this way. No one is comparing me with anyone else but I am. I am.

People like Justin Bieber adds on to my frustration. Age is also becoming an issue. It's all about wanting to achieve this by this age or I'll better off dead. This is a very messed up way of thinking but this is how I think. No matter how I try to avoid comparing and envying other people's success, I will be naturally obsessed with certain people and their capabilities.

It's sick. I know.

I want this to stop. I want to hardwire my brain into thinking that I should be the person that I am and go through life with a pace that I'm comfortable with. But How?


Aisya S. said...

Ugh, I totally get what you mean, man. But is it jealousy? I've always been competitive too, always comparing myself to others, always wanting to be better. It's awful, and I want it to stop. I've never thought it was jealousy, though... I just thought it was a way to measure our own achievements.

But why do we even have to compare ourselves to others? Why can't we be content with what we've achieved when it was the best we could've done?

I think we need help!

Ann Alien said...

Hiya Afiq,

It's really quite the vicious cycle. You said no one is comparing you with themselves. I think you're dead wrong.

If I berate myself almost every time I visit your blog, about how Afiq's well on his way to achieving his dream and he's only 23, I'm sure tons of other youths like me do it too. You're an inspiration. Hold on to that.

I just turned 24 and I'm panicking! I mean, the early 20s are when we are supposed to be at our peak, no? I haven't published anything yet aside from one measly short story in an unknown local anthology. (My dream's to be a published writer/poet.)

So my point is, wherever you are in your life, there is ALWAYS someone below you and above you. If jealousy is the way to go, you're pretty much stagnant. Do you get what I mean?

Then again it's difficult to get out of that mindset when it's ingrained in you. All the best on that yeah :)

Syaa said...

ann alien are right, you're an inspiration. hold on to that.

Anonymous said...

Wow!If I'm not mistaken, this is what we call YOUTH. Complication ! bear with it untill you reach my age (35) You will exactly know the whole meaning of it but dont know how to tell it. At that time you may have a film about it. Who knows? Till then, Justin Bieber is a baby, baby, baby and you will be .... I dont know. Afiqdeen perhaps.
The bro that bought your Everio. I still compare it to my other cam..

Mrs Pendragon said...

Oh I had it worse. I had it over my sisters! Can you believe it. I have this envious feeling towards them ever since I could remember. They will be the best through my mother's eyes. I know I'm too old for that. I guess I'm the black sheep in the family.

missnadira said...

using jealousy as a drive to success is healthy but to not be grateful of what God gave us is NOT okay.

God have created us with our own capacity. Not everyone can handle things that other people can.

You have an amazing talent in expressing ideas Afiq, not many of us here can.And we envy you for that.

And here in Malaysia, actually in the whole world, actually it's thrusted in every human's heart, is this comparing thing.

My son get A's ur's doesn't. My son got paid fat cheques urs doesnt.Mine son got does ur son even have girlfriend?

So, screw them. We measure our own achievement.Kan Afiq.(^_^)

Afiq Deen said...

Aisya, for me that feelings stems from jealousy. I still do get enveloped with green envy when I see certain people excel in the things they do. This motivates me but only God knows how much I want destroy them! (omg so evil)

Afiq Deen said...

Ann Alien, I would love to read your very first published book!

Thanks. I will hold on to what I love for I think it is the core of my sanity. And you're right, there is always people above and below us. Jealousy without efforts to be better than the subject of jealousy is futile, I get it.

Thanks for sharing your story. : )

Afiq Deen said...

Betul tu Nadira. Screw them! We have our own lives to live so we shouldn't be shelved in their standards.


OCD dowh...


Apparently there are so many people better at hardwiring their brain than you... :-p... haih...hahaha...