Life Goes On, Maria

It's liberating to be a loser. I have nothing to lose now. I'm currently making Maria, a psychological thriller shortie (what the hell happened to 4Petang?)

Several things came up and I had to pulled out a screenplay I did a few months back. I modified it with my cousin, change the ending and voila, we gave birth to Maria.

Now it's time for this baby to grow up into a full grown emotion-less trash bin that she is.

4Petang

I am Unwell

This is not a poem. I am not sick. It is not. I am unwell. A poem.

Dread is what I feel. Frustration is where it stems from. My plans. My dreams. Destroyed. Disseminated. But it left traces. These traces lives.

It is hard. Life is hard. I have unresolved emotions. I hate myself right now. No, don't touch me. You don't have the right to talk to me like that. I am thankful. I just want to be with myself and cry. Because I want to. Because it's so hard. I don't think I can cope.

I am unwell. No, it's not because of that. It is not caused by that. It was brought along with that, and its cronies and brothers and grandmothers. And I hate it. I hate myself. I hate myself for hating myself. Why? I know why. You don't know why. I know why. I hate hows. Why?

Projek Merdeka Adik: We Lost

We lost. The reason is simple. We're not good enough. You can watch the winners' entries ONE from UTAR and Cermin Mata Atuk from UITM here.

I think it's amazing that I don't feel as depressed as I thought I would be. I think it was because I learnt so much from making Projek Merdeka Adik that the experience itself is a God-sent reward. I had so much fun making and shooting it that I think it offsets the dread feeling one would feel after losing.

So it's pretty simple. We lost because our PSA is not good enough. It's not 1Malaysia enough. It's qualities and message is not up to par with the winner ONE and second prize winner Cermin Mata Atuk.

I need to learn a whole lot more before I can make better commercial videos than them. I will study a lot harder and be exposed to more new things so I can be better than them. I will be better. I need to be better.

At least now I know how bad our PSA is compared to the winners' works. Baru boleh tahu mana langit mana bumi.

: (

A Message to Future Afiq (Best Video?)

Ada mamat ni tanya dekat Afiq hari tu "What is best video?"

Never mind his Engrand, he wrote the wall comment after reading my criticism of a video he made. Well, he tagged me, what am I to do? But I knew that his feelings were hurt after reading my comments. Maybe he expected me to sugarcoat my reaction like "Well done" or "Congrats"

I don't have an answer to his question. Best is both very subjective and relative. What is 'Best' to me might be just 'Okay' to you.

This is why I am very nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the award ceremony for the Merdeka Video Competition (also known as MAViC) and I am in the top five position. A close confidant of mine thought that I would get over getting nervous because I've been shortlisted in most of the competitions I entered but the simple truth is all the competitions are different.

Different themes, different judges, different criteria and most notably different direction.

My PSA Projek Merdeka Adik is a short and simple story narrated with a pantun about the importance of working together to achieve an ideal Malaysia. In retrospect it symbolizes the struggles of achieving independence. In a more literal sense, it is about a little girl who tries to impress her grandmother with her special Merdeka project in which she fails but with the help of the people around her, she successfully erected a huge ass flag without even realizing it.

A lot of thought was put into this because I know people will interpret it differently so I felt that it is vital that I compose the PSA to resemble an onion. It has to have different layers of understanding so it can be understood by everyone (sometimes without them realizing it).

No, I am not trying to justify my PSA in the event that Projek Merdeka Adik (PMA) didn't win anything tomorrow.

I'm just reminding future Afiq, the Afiq that will read his own blog tomorrow that if he didn't win, it just means that he has to keep on growing. Read your thoughts before, during and after the stages of PMA and figure out what went wrong.

But if you do win, future Afiq. It still doesn't mean you have a midas touch. It simply means that everyone else's PSAs are suckier than yours. But yours is still undoubtedly suckier than the PSAs that you have long admired.

If future Afiq win - Congratulation, now focus on 4 Petang and make the most kick-ass shortie of 2010!

If future Afiq lose - You may cry for a day (Sunday). After the tear fest, focus on 4 Petang and make the most kick-ass shortie of 2010!

Jealousy

Jealousy plays a large role in my life. After 23 years of living, I realize that although jealousy perks me up to work harder, I will also work for all the wrong reason. In a nutshell, jealousy in an emotional steroid, it makes me grow in tremendous speed but I will suffer complications later in life.

I grew up being compared to peers who are smarter, more courteous, more this and more that, so much so that being compared to plays an integral part of identifying my self worth. I know that my mother's intention is good, she wants me to be better, better than this person or that person. I then grew up with that state of mind and to this day, I am forever comparing myself with people that I think is more successful than me. Ingrained or not, I hate feeling this way. No one is comparing me with anyone else but I am. I am.

People like Justin Bieber adds on to my frustration. Age is also becoming an issue. It's all about wanting to achieve this by this age or I'll better off dead. This is a very messed up way of thinking but this is how I think. No matter how I try to avoid comparing and envying other people's success, I will be naturally obsessed with certain people and their capabilities.

It's sick. I know.

I want this to stop. I want to hardwire my brain into thinking that I should be the person that I am and go through life with a pace that I'm comfortable with. But How?

It was a busy few weeks. I travelled back and forth to meet close and distant families. A few glitches (biasalah keluarga cerai) and new revelations.

Not A Very Happy Raya

I just found out that I was rejected from participating in Tokyo Filmex 2010. Even though I was recommended by highly esteemed film producers, they decided that I was just not good enough. When I saw a Japan number calling me, I was so excited my hands shook involuntarily. Upon pressing the Answer button, a warm voice embraced by nerves and delivered the cold news.

I literally froze. Dread. The neurons in my head menaced and rendered all my nerves unresponsive. After a good 5 minutes of imitating a gargoyle statue, I walked slowly to the nearest bed and cried my heart out.

No one has any idea how badly I want to enter Tokyo Filmex and when I heard that I was recommended to be a part of it (you can only be recommended to get in) I was so excited the thought of immersing myself with visionary filmmakers and their visionary films lullabied my frantic mind to sleep for the past 2 months.

But now. Ergh.

I need time to heal. I need time. I need to heal.

Selamat Hari Raya and Visiting Graves

Ooh! Raya! Selamat Hari Raya to all my friends and readers. I know how superficial raya forgive-and-forget ethos can be in this day and age so I'll save you the trouble of acknowledging my apologies. The only thing I actually CAN do is to forgive.

What I love about Raya this year is that I have resolved key family problems that had plague me for as long as I can remember. It's true however that a hunter's gain is another hunter's loss. Is that even a legit idiom? (You sir is an idiom! -Jacque Clauseou) You know how a Dacing needs a few seconds to settle on a measurement? I would like to think that that metaphor represents my situation now.

Enough vagueness for today. Today is a happy happy, happy day. So why do people visit graves of their love ones during this day? Beats me, but I know that it is mostly cultural. Only Malaysians, Indonesians and Bruneians visit graves of their love ones on this joyous occasion. It kind of beats the purpose of celebration, so let's stop visiting graves during raya eh.

Kalau Tuhan dah bagi satu hari untuk bergembira, kita pula cari alasan untuk bersedih-sedih. Berminta maaf sampai menangis-nangis. Melawat si mati sampai menangis-nangis. Melawat anak yang melecur tangan kerana bermain mercun sampai menangis-nangis. Pasangan break up di pagi raya sampai menangis-nangis.

Kenapa?

Selamat Hari Raya.

Iklan Raya Krismas?

I'm sure you are all pissed about it. Well they took it down already okay. So please stop raising this issue. Point taken.

I myself thought that the PSA was 'cacat' but it does not deserve its share of controversy. People were so angry and lamented how the sanctity of Syawal is tainted by attempts to incept muslims' mind with subliminal images that will make muslims convert to christianity, buddhism and Illuminati (?)

A good friend of mind who is a Hindu indian reacted to this outrage with this comment:

"Trishaw that doesn't fly = ok to the world. Trishaw that flies = insulting to religion? Nice...."

Once upon a time our religious celebrations were celebrated together with PSAs that has more than one religion's element and no one made a big deal about it. Remember Deeparaya, Gong Xi Raya etc?

Insulting as it may for some muslims, it is not necessary to express your anger without considering the sensitivity of christians and buddhists. I find it disturbing that people are so wiled up about this PSA that they fail to consider the feelings of christian and buddhist Malaysians.

Do some people think when they comment with a malicious "TV3 menyesatkan umat dengan menggunakan elemen agama buatan manusia yang menyesatkan dalam iklan syawal yang suci."

What would christians and buddhists feels when their muslim counterpart claims that their religion is toxic to the minds and hearts of muslims?

We are getting defensive, protective and exclusive of our understanding of Islam and that sickens me, especially when it is spearheaded and followed by people who lacks knowledge in Islam.

Yes the PSA is sending the wrong subliminal messages but how we're reacting to it is also equally if not more wrong.

Thread carefully brothers of Islam, Islam, Islam, our beloved religion of Peace.

Non Muslims Can't Enter Mosques?

Oh my God, really? It all started with a 'tazkirah' by Teo Nie Ching at a Surau in Kajang.

Under the consent of the Sultan of Selangor, MAIS or Majlis Agama Islam Selangor has banned non-muslims from entering mosques without their permission.

I think this is a extremely stupid decree. EXTREMELY STUPID.

The proper reaction to this unfortunate incident is to ban politicians from giving any kind of speech in Suraus and Mosques and not non-muslims.

Banning non-muslims from entering mosques will do so much damage to Islam's very foundation which is its openness to everyone from all stages of life, muslims and non-muslims alike. If deters non-muslims from witnessing the beauty of Islam, from the metaphorical vast open space of the praying hall to the interaction with any outputs that spreads the word of peace through Islam.

And why is everyone seems to be okay with this ruling? Is it because it was made political?

I think it is because the ruling was consented by the Sultan. As the head of Islam in the state, he should know better than to ban non-muslims from entering mosques.

If it were up to me, I will let the Ulamas' debate on this issue first and reach a concession before agreeing upon any new rulings. Or has that been done and the ruling is still to ban non-muslims from entering mosques? If that's the case, we have just reached a new low in the level of religious intolerance in Malaysia.

Ya Allah, I can't believe this is even happening! What is wrong with you people???

Is Namewee A Racist?

A few days before Merdeka Day, Namewee made headlines yet again for a youtube video of his. This time it was about a racist malay principal. You can just watch it here lah:

Okay, so was the video racist? Ergh, Yes and No. I have no idea why a lot of people think it's extemely racist. It didn't slur the malay race (or any other race for that matter) and Namewee's insults were directed to Siti Inshah so if anyone should be angry, it's that racist principal.

But I understand why malays are so angry with Namewee. Here is a person who is openly expressing his thoughts about his view on the dynamism of race relations in our country. He pointed out that the chinese were the ones that made Malaysia rich, which is true if you opt to study the correlation between race and income tax in Malaysia.

True as it may, specifying the chinese race as the main cause of Malaysia's economic prosperity is by itself a racist remark.

We worked together to make this country great therefore we shouldn't attribute a certain race to the success of Malaysia. When Lee Chong Wei was announced the world's no.1 badminton player, did the fact that he's chinese made a difference? No!

When Nicole David reigned as squash's no.1 player, did the fact that she's chindian made any difference to the way the whole country celebrated her victory? No!

When Vince Chong and Jaclyn Victor won Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol (respectively), did the fact that they were chinese and indian made any difference to the viewers' votes? No! If anything at all, more than 70% votes were casted by malay viewers and they still chose a non-malay. Why? Because malays are and were never racist.

But the chinese communities in Malaysia continued with their racist sentiments in their media, business and politics. This is why stupid groups like Perkasa sprung up from oblivion. This is why the malay people let this Ass Monkey by the name of Ibrahim Ali run their errands or reaction.

So if the chinese think that Malaysia is getting more and more intolerant towards chinese people, they should really do some soul searching.

What language do you usually speak?

What school did you sent your children too?

Have you ever invited malays or indians to your parties or weddings?

This ChinaTown mentality has to go if the chinese wants a harmonious relationship with other races in Malaysia. Open the gates to ChinaTown and let everyone in. Let them in. Share your prosperity with the malays and indians. Teach them, nurture them. If you keep on living in that enclosed gold dragon gates of yours, people would either want to break through the gates or make the people living inside it move out to Canada, US or Australia by making them feel alienated in their own land.

MERDEKA!

I'm too busy to BS. Merdeka!