At first there were a few innocent touching of the wrist and before long, I felt someone pulling me to sit up. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Sini cepat." I heard a familiar voice. "Kenapa? Nak pinjam duit ke?" was me being unusually nice when drowzy or sleepy. As my blurred vision adjusted itself, I searched for my handphone and checked the time. 3.05 a.m. Bloody hell.
I scratched my head for a full minute and stood up. "Apa?"
"Kejap kejap." I scratched my full head of hair for another minute, hoping that the excessive blood would pump out from my penis and into my head. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. Flacid. "Okay, jom"
Rangga was waiting impatiently by my bedside and motioned me to follow him. We called him Rangga because he looks like Rangga, the character from Ada Apa Dengan Cinta. I followed him through the corridors and into a dark deserted study room. "Nak aku tolong buat assignment ke" I asked. Rangga said nothing. Once we're inside the study room, he locked the door behind him. Rangga twitched his glorious nose in a direction of a curiously positioned plastic chair. I then noticed that the chair is the only visible object in the room because of the hanging lamp above it. As puzzled as I was, I asked Rangga. "Kau nak aku buat monologue kehidupan ke?"
I giggled. So lame, giggling at my own jokes. I sat down on the red chair and dangled my feet like an innocent child. Rangga switched on a few fluorescent lights and a dozen silhouttes of shirtless men materialized around me. There were six people at the open balcony and another six around the parameters, as if guarding the study room. Rangga dissapeared into the darkness as another guy appeared from behind. In that moment, the initial thought that ran through my head was "Fuck". It was like a vintage BDSM movie, minus the leather and whip (oh, and the women!)
"Mu!" A short but built Kelantanese fellow stood in front of me with menacing eyes. "Mu kecek bukan-bukan minggu lepas!" I frowned. "Kecek? Kecek tu apa?"
"Mu nih!" He growled, turned his back from me and suddenly came running towards me. I didn't move a muscle thinking Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. He stopped short, snorted and mumbled in heavy Kelantanese accent. "Mu nampak tu?" he pointed the balcony with his thumb. Tu ado dua belas geng kami nak bincang nga mu!"
"Pasal apa?" I asked politely.
"Mu buak jari tengah dengan geng aku." I could tell that he was trying his best to speak as KL as possible from of his escaped lisp.
I rolled my eyes when I remembered what happened. I did show my middle finger to Rangga because he disturbed me when he threw tissue balls at me during english class. "Oh tu...."
"Hok tu, hok tu...." Shorty was aggitated by my calm demenour and signalled for the whole troupe to come nearer. I maintained my posture and said out loud. "Sesiapa yang sentuh aku, masuk lock-up and kena expelled!" Fear is a funny thing. It reveals what sort of person you really are and in my case, I was exposed of my most dreadful vice: out-of-this-word authoritarian. "Bapak aku polis."
The silhouttes of men around me took a few steps back instinctively. The second most dreadful vice of mine surfaced unexpectedly. I reached for my handphone in my pockets without them noticing and switched on the recorder. "Kau nak buat apa sekarang? Nak pukul aku? Pasal hal kecik tu pun nak pukul aku?"
"Mu kurang ajar, kami dua belas orang mu sorang! Mu ingat kami takut ayah mu polih?" I stared directly at his eyes and saw a little bit of fear welling in them. "Takut?" I asked him testily.
"Hambo pukul mu nanti!" He growled, turned his back from me and did the same intimidating routine he did earlier.
"Dahlah." I made sure he caught my eyes. My eyes were red in impending rage. "Aku nak pergi toilet, sakit perut." I stood up and in a flash, I was shoved back into the chair. The whole gang came running towards me, expecting me to put on a fight. I knew it. They wanted me to start a fight so I denied them of their expectation and sat back down. "Nak pergi toilet pun tak boleh? Kang aku berak sini kang ko nak jawab ke kat makcik cleaner?" I knew by then that my only way out is to surrender and apologize.
"Okay macam nilah. Aku minta maaf aku guna jari tengah. Okay? Settle? Alright." Shorty had nothing. He kept quiet for a while and talked to some of his friends in the dark. I knew this was uncalled for. I giggled a bit, knowing they had no proper procedure to deal with people like me. "Okay? Amacam? Senang je nak settle, pastu kita semua boleh tido." I shouted.
"Oi tutup mulut mu!" Shorty looked at everyone around the study room and nodded, as if having reached a concession. "Mu pergi toilet, hambo ikut mu. Pahtu mu datang balik sini. Mu pahe?"
"Jom." Shorty unlocked and opened the door. I walked towards the door and just before I got out, I faked a fall. "Kan aku cakap tadi, belasah aku sikit pun, korang semua kena expelled!" my engine loud voice boomed across the corridor. "Let them think about that while I relief myself" I thought to myself. I spent 10 minutes in the cubicle waiting. Waiting for each of them to rethink their stupidity and its consequences. Waiting for the ring leader to lose focus. Waiting for help.
As I got out of the cubicle, Shorty asked me speed it up and when we got back to the study room, there were only three people left. Dazed, Shorty asked me sit still while he calls back his minions. I sat still and saw Rangga leaning on a nearby wall. "Kalau ko tak lepaskan aku, first aku akan bagitau Head of Architecture pasal ni so ko ngan kawan ko kena expelled, lepas tu aku bagitau bapak aku so ko kene tangkap masuk lock-up, last sekali aku akan panggil family lawyer and saman family ko sampai bankrap." I told him in a threatening tone, quiet enough to not be heard by the remaining minions but loud enough for him to digest every word. It was incumbent to me that I had to lie to seed fear in him. My father retired and we have no family lawyer but I was serious about the expulsion.
Shorty came back to the study room alone and talked to Rangga for a few minutes. Finally, Shorty told me to go back to sleep and pretend like nothing ever happened. I agreed.
Once I got back to my room, a roommate asked me what happened. I knew he knew what happened. I told him to save his crap for later and tell Rangga and his friends that all of them will be expelled and arrested by tomorrow. I also told him that I recorded what happened and will use the sound clip as proof to arrest the motherfuckers.
Half an hour later, twelve buff Kelantanese guys lined up to beg for forgiveness. I requested each of them to kneel down and apologize to me in person so I could remember their faces, just in case.
I later discovered that what happened to me is a product of a common Kelantanese culture called Gedebe.