I'm a gemini. I know. Do you? We geminians have a special gift of shape-shifting our personalities when we see fit. Yes, personalities. Attributes. Sometimes sudden and honest impression. Some live by it and some ignore this tendency of theirs.
In my case, I live in it. It is life. It is how I live it. My abilities shamed Bollywood actors. My whole life. I have never decide whether I want to use 'it'. I just did without starting from a point. My presence can be felt. It can be easily felt. My silence is shouting extrusively. My fidgetings are screeches. Like a hungry owl. My nods and shooks are defiant. My implying compliments are the things you wish you'll hear often but never thought of them before.
Both sides of my family is clearly taken back by this. Unwilling to take sides, I ventured for the key of calamity that had been torn apart since my parents' divorce. I searched and searched and seached some more. And realized that the problem lies within everybody. Everybody with an apparent reason to believe that there is a problem is actually embodying it. In simpler, more kindergarten words, everything is everybody's faults. I have my share of course. Everybody has their unforgettable 'moments' and every part of it was a result of complicated emotions and ego. Of loyalty, of righteousness, of many other factors.
Each sides have their heavier sides on things while others justified them and emphasize on their thoughts of some other event that holds no importance to the other side. Nobody is willing to say "Yes, all of us made a mistake. You and me. All of us."
Nobody is willing to face the blame, eventhough they know that everybody is blameworthy. Being the Afiq in the middle didn't help. I am an embodiment of betrayal. I am also an ambassador of tolerance. I am a person with no integrity. Who is neither here nor there. I am also being relentlessly picked on for taking sides, even temporarily.
I am not perfect. I want to be a person with integrity. A person with principles. But do I have to take sides to do so? I am developing my personality for the better. I have the intention and will to do so but pressuring me to 'smarten up' and be 'a man' is futile and is doing any good. Have you no thoughts of MY wants, MY ambitions, MY purpose in life, MY goals. I need MY alone time to search for my soul. I need MY alone time to build my personality. What I need from all of you is support. Support. Guidance. Not 'holier than thou' preaching of how I should lead my life. Not instructions from pointA to pointB but hints. Just hints of my life. Just hints.
Just in case.. just in case nobody notice. I'm only 19. Will you allow me to make mistakes and learn from them because I DO sincerely think that that is the only way to learn about life. And the limits are cordially stated in Islam. A subject I'm well equipped with.