Just a thing or two...

I'm a gemini. I know. Do you? We geminians have a special gift of shape-shifting our personalities when we see fit. Yes, personalities. Attributes. Sometimes sudden and honest impression. Some live by it and some ignore this tendency of theirs.

In my case, I live in it. It is life. It is how I live it. My abilities shamed Bollywood actors. My whole life. I have never decide whether I want to use 'it'. I just did without starting from a point. My presence can be felt. It can be easily felt. My silence is shouting extrusively. My fidgetings are screeches. Like a hungry owl. My nods and shooks are defiant. My implying compliments are the things you wish you'll hear often but never thought of them before.

Both sides of my family is clearly taken back by this. Unwilling to take sides, I ventured for the key of calamity that had been torn apart since my parents' divorce. I searched and searched and seached some more. And realized that the problem lies within everybody. Everybody with an apparent reason to believe that there is a problem is actually embodying it. In simpler, more kindergarten words, everything is everybody's faults. I have my share of course. Everybody has their unforgettable 'moments' and every part of it was a result of complicated emotions and ego. Of loyalty, of righteousness, of many other factors.

Each sides have their heavier sides on things while others justified them and emphasize on their thoughts of some other event that holds no importance to the other side. Nobody is willing to say "Yes, all of us made a mistake. You and me. All of us."

Nobody is willing to face the blame, eventhough they know that everybody is blameworthy. Being the Afiq in the middle didn't help. I am an embodiment of betrayal. I am also an ambassador of tolerance. I am a person with no integrity. Who is neither here nor there. I am also being relentlessly picked on for taking sides, even temporarily.

I am not perfect. I want to be a person with integrity. A person with principles. But do I have to take sides to do so? I am developing my personality for the better. I have the intention and will to do so but pressuring me to 'smarten up' and be 'a man' is futile and is doing any good. Have you no thoughts of MY wants, MY ambitions, MY purpose in life, MY goals. I need MY alone time to search for my soul. I need MY alone time to build my personality. What I need from all of you is support. Support. Guidance. Not 'holier than thou' preaching of how I should lead my life. Not instructions from pointA to pointB but hints. Just hints of my life. Just hints.

Just in case.. just in case nobody notice. I'm only 19. Will you allow me to make mistakes and learn from them because I DO sincerely think that that is the only way to learn about life. And the limits are cordially stated in Islam. A subject I'm well equipped with.


Anonymous said...

Dearest, old doesn't mean ur wiser young doesn't mean ur wrong. It's how u communicate n feel the air of ur surrounding n learn from the happening. Simple dear why is it when one parent advise their young he/she retaliate but its' a good advise when a teacher told them so. Why when someone of ur love one criticise u its' so painful for us to accept rather than somebody u hardly know. Dearest this is what caused many relationship fail coz one party may be wiser n open but his/her partner is still katak bawah tempurung with d melayu lame era lelaki itu sasa. However not if u lead islamic ADDIN advise especially from d wife is look upon. Denying one intelligence is d root to many broken relationship. WAKE UP WAKE UP dear like u said ur only 19 but at 19 ur already d melayu lame thinking man is sasa n love one are deprive from criticism.

Have u ever wonder why i stop critting ur design though i'm of the same discipline. Coz the first time i did that there's a big lump in ur throat n seing that n loving u so much i refuse to prop further in ur design. Let others do.

Don't blame others for ur failure but learn accept them as first taste of reality. Don't accuse others of ur wrong doing but accept it's just ur learning route. We are very lucky coz we have AL QURAN as a guidiance n ADDIN as way of life.
Don't just brag about it but practice them. Where is ur adap towards ur mum, i asked u why u just love hurting her n now asking uer siblings to do likewise.

Last but not least we are not God to judge people, events that happen maybe coz He love them more n maybe it's a lesson to be taught. We his hamba should try our best to be his kekasih. Amin

Aput said...

I'm always confused by Geminis. Good side, bad side, good side, bad side. Drives people nuts.

I always deal with the 'holier-than-thou' attitude which I deem a pain, because they are always 'holier-than-thou' and looking at their own interests instead of focusing on the big picture.

But then, I do agree that making mistakes is the best lesson in life. Painful, but still the best.

afiq said...

I think you stop critting me because we're realize that eventhough we are in the same field, my line of interest are 360 degree different from yours. You have no idea how many people (lecturers and students) I asked to crit my design in here. So maybe that lump in that throat is just me accidentally swallowing a chewing gum.

Its really hard to 'beradab' when ur basically invading my thoughts about things in the blog. Can't we just talk on the telephone. I'm so afraid to blog about anything now knowing you'll have the final blow on anything that you think is referring to you. Like I said, this blog is not a diary or a journal. It is a website where I learn and experience writing. Because I love writing. Writing about anything. ANything at all.

writing about the things I experienced and things that I wish I experience. And sometimes just fiction. The entry where I drink beer is totally fictional, so are 2/5 of my entries.

Plz read the green disclaimer..

As a airbag teenager... i would like to say..

"you're embarassing me infront of my friends."

It's like a mamachi who tarik her naughty son's ear infront of his classmates during recess. Like that.

And my friends are afraid of posting comments sebab takut kene marah ngan mak afiq.


My words are binded, truly. And I think you know why. So...

no comment..

Anonymous said...

Dearest point tsken n hope u have h/p credit for me.

Have ur way n take care

J said...

Jannah here. the one who's also a gemini, the one who's also pursuing aed.
i'm not here to talk about the rest of the story, only the gemini part.
being a gemini, i get you. my friends call me the one with personality disorder due the fact that i fit myself according to the situation. but sometimes it's hard. it's hard when people think you're a hypocrite but in truth, it's just your nature not to side anyone. sometimes it's hard not to hide yourself. sometimes it's hard when you can only make one choice.


afiq said...

i seriously think I know how you feel, jannah. Adapting to situations is a great ability but sometimes (for some, most of the times) it seems apparent to them that we are manipulative. It's not fair kan. But the main one would be people might think we don't appreciate them as much because we seem to share our love to everyone, which is not true.

A happy face doesn't necessarily imply a happy heart.good luck with aed btw... i'll see you next sem then, by then i'm your third year senor!