How To Write a New Year Resolution

10 years ago, I remembered gazing upon fireworks that lasted for an hour. It was the the day when MPKK became DBKK. I remembered writing down my new year resolution.

Even though at times I won't admit it, I am a list freak. You would know what I mean if you like to make lists concerning every aspect of life. This habit was brought by my mother, who was also a list freak. So it is to no surprise that I've written new year resolutions for the past 10 years without fail. That makes me a pro at writing resolutions. Here are the things you should adhere to when writing your new year resolution.

1. Do not start your resolution with anything that has to do with losing weight or diet or bulking up. 'I want to lose 5kg' maybe on top of your mind but it shouldn't be on top of your resolution. It should be at the near bottom because it is not THAT important. Because you're not THAT fat.

2. Make a draft before you write your resolution. Like any important piece of inspiring document, it needs to be retouched and repositioned, like Rosmah's portrait.

3. Although it is good to be specific, you don't want to be too specific especially when your resolution has something to do with a second or third party. You want your father to buy you a brand new Prius? You want your boyfriend to rent Sunway Pyramid's ice rink at night so you and him can axcel like a perfect lovebird? You want your mother to stop nagging? Step out from your couch and switch off your TV. Now open the door. What is that sensation you ask? It's reality.

4. No -er s, okay? Never ever use superlatives like better, thinner, greater, manlier or anything like that because the relativity of those words to your future condition is unquantifiable. For example you want to be thinner, so you'd lost 0.1 kg. Congratulation! Now go back to the sea and join the nearby school of dugongs. Be specific about what you want. I want to be 67 kg. Good. I want to be featured in the Star newspaper. Better. I want to date Afiq Deen. What?

5. KISS. Keep it simple, stupid. One to two sentence should suffice. More than two and your resolution will be a bore, even to the future you.

6. Use images. You want a new house? Print your dream house and paste it on your resolution. Images works more wonders than words because it is more direct and doesn't require much imagination.

7. Do not blog about it. Do not tell you friends. Most of the time, friends are blobs of envy smirking at your achievements behind your back. Their envy generates negative energy and it will indirectly affect you because you're always with them. Keep your resolution to yourself. I know they love you and all, but let's face it, friends are fiends without the r. Arrr.

8. How many you ask? 10 tops. 5 minimum. Imagine the David Letterman Show if they have a top 25 list instead of the usual 10. David would've died 25 years ago.

9. So where to keep it if your friends aren't allowed to read your resolution? Anywhere accessible to you and only you. If you're a type of person who likes to check new words in the dictionary, put it in the dictionary. If you draw in your sketchbook a lot, paste it there. If you're Anwar Ibrahim, tag it to your dildo.

10. Lastly, when? Now.