Making a Malaysian Boyband

Eh jap, Afiq baru perasan. Dekat Malaysia takde pop boyband! Kumpulan nasyid tak kira okay.

This void should be filled!

Tak susah nak jadi boyband terkenal. The formula has been formulated decades ago but unfortunately music producers failed to see Malaysia as Malaysia. They didn't understand their own culture (Malaysian in denial) and thus thought they imported the patented formula from overseas. Bangang.

NAMA TAK PENTING

Nama boyband langsung tak penting so don't overthink it. What important is the branding of the boyband. It has to appeal to many kind of niches but not the masses. This way, fans feel that their participation in the boyband's fandom is exclusive and 'special'.

BRANDING

Boyband should live 24/7 as unique characters cooked up for them by their producers. Okay, in this aspect, we should follow THE formula lah. They should wear clothes that fits their character 24/7 and speak and act like their characters without fail. Without fail! This symbiosis will bind the group together as one name before fans pick their favourites and not the other way around. Here are some the characters that should comprise the boyband:

Ketua boyband: Ketua boyband kena responsible, strict and adequately handsome. He has to take charge of the team, leading them to perfection. He also CANNOT have dreams to make it on his own as a solo artist. Malay.

The Comel One: The comel one is the one with an ambigious face. "Dia ni laki ke perempuan?" Naturally the comel one has a distinct voice but put a selamba front. He should act as if he's acting out "Life is unfair, life is shit! Arggggh!" He also has to be chinese. Yes, chinese. This character will hit a spot with gay men and meltable girls.

The Eccentric One: He wears mismatched clothes and change his hairstyle ever so often. This character appeals to girls who likes their guy weird. They know its inconvenient to marry this type of man so they will focus their love and energy to the eccentric one.

The Young One: A junior who has a lot to learn. He has to be extremely talented but has to keep up with his more experienced members. He has to be malay because we have many malay geniuses. The young one is an investment because joining a boyband is a crash course for him to evolve as a musician in a decade. And imagine the myriads of kakak angkat rooting for him.

The HipHop One: He obviously has to be Indian. For obvious reasons of course. This guy has to know how to rap really well but still dress up as boyband member. He's cool and refined but when he's on the dance floor, he will turn into the cartoon tasmanian devil. He will attract groupies, percayalah.

They are characters, not real personalities so it is vital to choose faces and voices that fits the characters.

SHOW SOME SKIN

Everyone shoud have good, slightly muscular bodies. Force them to work out and eat a healthy diet because they will have to show some skin in promo shoots. Abs and pecs are a must. For the first time in history, Mangga's centrepiece 'Berenang Baik Untuk Kesihatan' will have descent models. And URTV and Media do not have to outsource their sexy men page from Spain and Brazil anymore.

INTERACT!

Nope! Nope! Nope! No interaction is allowed. For them to keep themselves sacred, they should not be overly exposed. They should, however, attend gameshows and programmes that let the host ask pre-planned questions that seems spontaneous. The 'hook' is the audience's inquiries of the boyband members' personalities. Keep the fans digging for answers. Let them make their own conclusions and prove them wrong when it's convenient to do so.

MUSIC VIDEO

The music video has to be groundbreaking! Ground breaking! It should cover all the required emotions to make fans think they know the boyband by heart. Nostalgia, rebelliousness, love, excitement, loss etc. Long story short, hire me as the director and give me a hundred ringgit.

There are more grounds to cover like endorsements, fashion and music but I'll leave you to that.

I'm just bored. Can't you tell?

Happy Sunday!