How to Improve Inter-state Commute

My condolences to victims of the not so recent Sani Express accident. It is a tad unfair that Sani is the only bus demonised for bus related accidents. Two years ago, there were bus accidents almost every week. None of the operators were given bad press like Sani Express is suffering now. The bus hunt, led by TV3 shows that if you want to operate an interstate bus company successfully, you better be a friend of Dato' Farid.

Even with all the bad press, interstate buses is still the most favoured balik kampung mode of transportation. Pudu is still buzzing like a hornet's nest. But guys, be reasonable, it is still very very dangerous.

There are other ways to balik kampung. KTMB is one of them.

It is safe, covers almost all popular balik kampung locations and is reasonably cheap. It's also slow, dirty, too cold or too hot and BORING.

Actually, KTMB is not doing well. They change the directors faster than the train's speed. It is losing more money than ever, even when the amount of people wanting to balik kampung increases every year.

I'll tell you why people do not like to ride on trains to balik kampung.

1. It is so slowwwww thus making the whole ordeal really really boring

2. The train is on crack. It shakes and shivers a lot.

3. It has nothing to entertain passengers. One muted hollywood film of flat screen for 200 passenges? Are you kidding me??

4. It's full of old people. Old people like the nostalgic feel of the whole experience. So the whole train smells of minyak angin, minyak gamat and Vicks.

5. There is no PA system or alert system to inform you where you are. That is why everyone tidur-tidur ayam so they can wake up everytime the train stops. And getting back to sleep is a challenge with all that noise and untahanable vibration.

6. It makes you weary. When you finally arrive at the station, you will be so sick and tired you'll sleep the whole day off.

7. The food! Oh my goodness. They have only 2 choice of food and both are overpriced and tastes like they were cooked on the train's engine.

8. It's dirty.

KTMB can do many things to make the train ride more efficient, less boring and enjoyable but it will probably cost a bomb.

To make it run faster and smoother, KTMB has to replace the tracks and train. That will cost a few billion ringgit. Setting up flat screen TVs everywhere also costs a bomb and with its financial condition today, even changing the sheets will make the profit margin plunge into a new level of abyss.

So here is

AFIQ'S SUGGESTION TO KTMB on HOW TO IMPROVE INTER-STATE COMMUTE.

It's cheap and easy, like a trip to PatPonng

1. Change the damn operators!

They are old, inefficient and boring.

Replace them with hotties!

We have so many dispensable GROs so it is not hard to recruit them. Assimilate recruitment programme with any anti-maksiat programme and voila! Everytime GROs are caught in raids, don't put them in jail or summon them, make them do what they are born to do: Serve.

Punish them by forcing them to attend hostess courses and become train operators for a year or two.

Imagine a typical scenario in a KTM train... without a hot operator.

Boring, drab, "ish gemoknya akak tu..." and such a drag.

Now imagine it with a hot operator:

They should be called States Line Uttrendre (we like them names French-ed) of Transportation. It's a mouthful so it would be easier to call them Ass El You Tee.

The SLUTs will not only make travel more enjoyable by providing excellent service, their mere presence will bring joy to passengers. Let's recheck the effects of SLUTs in the list I made earlier:

1. Passengers would want the KTM train to move slower to enjoy beautiful passing SLUTs as they go along with their business.

2. Before, vibrations are a nuisance. Now with the presence of SLUTs, their chests' buoyancy will be in close examination.

3. Entertainment?

Why bring a portable DVD player with porn when you have a SLUT walking by now and then along your berths. (I can already imagine what people will be doing in the privacy of their own berths)

4. Old people with wives still alive will avoid riding with KTM. Single old men will die of heart failures and join their already dead wives while on board. Don't worry, more young people will replace their steady demographic.

5. SLUTs will whisper to your ears when you arrive at your destination. "Bangun bang... dah sampai... yussof tayoob... "(advertising = more profit)

6. You will still be weary... of excitement!

7. Foods will be served personally by SLUTs. More people would want a second helping.

8. It's dirrrrty.

PROBLEM SOLVED

Service Up. Profit margin Up. Tents in pants Up.