22nd on the 19th

My birthday is coming up soon and adhering to the tradition of awaiting my point of existence, I will reflect myself extensively. I know it sounds cool. I myself would like to think that I would do my reflecting by staring at the unknown on a hilltop facing a sublime view of a beautiful landscape. But I'm a simple and selekeh person so what I did was I stared at the asbestos ceiling and asked myself "Why?"

"Why am I alive? What is my purpose? Am I in the right direction to serve my purpose? How have I become better or worse from last year?"

Every year, I failed to answer these questions with a straight answer. Or with a straight face.

There are several stages of nearing the 19th of June. A week before the 19th, there will be a hint of remorse in the way I talk, as if reminded of the imensity of every single mistakes I did for the past year. My vices will be analysed with unforgiving scrutiny and faults magnified. On the 19th, I will feel relief slowly filling in the trenches of despair. Slowly. It would accelerate when celebrated with friends and family but I haven't had a proper birthday reception for half a decade.

Maybe people my age should not be fussed over little things like birthdays. Birthdays are to be kept to an acceptable minimum for young adults so they could be more concerned about work and earn their own birthday celebrations. Maybe. Though I dearly missed the Cake. The Candles and the official blowing of them. The Yeays and Congratulations when the lights are turned on and the plastic knife brought forth.

Whether or not I had an acceptable birthday on the 19th, on the 20th, a new sun rised and gleamed on my slighly pimply forehead just before I announced to the world the new two digits that will be associated to me for another whole year. I walked out of my room a new man, ready to make mistakes so I can learn from them, ready for new experiences and discoveries, ready for another year to figure out the anwers to the questions I asked myself everynight for 14 days, only to realize again and again that those questions are not meant to be answered with words but to be gradually realized with continuous attainment of age and wisdom.

And what better way to attain wisdom faster than to read good books? I'm not asking for much. A few good books will make me so happy that if there's a machine to produce electricity using happiness, I can light up a city during Earth Hour.