e-Kerusi

I think it's awesome that I can open an application in my phone using voice command. But then again my nerd of a roommate told me that this is last century's technology. I don't think he meant it literally though because a century ago, the only mobile technology was bottled water and foldable chair, (I think).

When it comes to SMSes, until today I don't get why we are getting charged 15 cents per SMS when digits sent are actually quantifiable. Why not a 0.01 cents per letter rate or 5 words, 1 free smiley promotion? Because of this obvious fraud, I made it a point to cantikkan SMSes with seloka, pantun, sajak and gurindam so I wouldn't waste charged vacant text space. These are some of my sent texts:
.
This season the roses are in full bloom,
Full bloom with a scent of barley,
Ina ko ni dah siap ke belum,
Cepatlah aku nak gerak dengan Li.
.
Nael membawa kereta dengan laju,
Laju laju seperti formula one,
Nael yang baik tolong angkat baju,
Baju baju the red and blue one.
.
Baby you know it baby you do,
That my heart belongs to Sally,
Sarah jangan lupa bawa dadu,
Tak cukup satu nak main monopoli
..
I takes a group of men to start a war,
But it takes one brave man to make merry,
Oi Syah apa ko buat lama-lama dekat luar?
Dua tiga kucing berlari.
.
Seluar Pak Endot berlubey satu,
Mak Endot pulok buek tak pahey,
Mu kecek gapo aku tak tahu,
Kuch kuch hota hei.
.
Dah habis credit ke Ina yang ayu?
You guna Digi, Maxis, Hotlink ke Celcom?
Tapi kan you ade wifi kat bilik you,
Kita chat jelah kat afiqsays.blogspot.com.
.
Pak Salman dibaham ikan yu,
Ikan paus lalu, dua-dua kena telan,
Selamat Tahun Baru,
2009 ; )

Salam Maal Hijrah

Yes, I think I'm going to use one of those for dessert
.....
I think it's celebration-worthy that Maal Hijrah and New Year are neighbours. It's also note-worthy to say the least, that I'm cooking up a set of resolutions? Pedulik.
What's for certain is I won't repeat last year's resoulutions like 1. Lose 5 kg 2. Six pack abs 3. Will not watch por... Well, I might as well give a good prodding to the younger me for being a vain pervert with insatiable desire for porn because a year later it was incumbent that the only thrill of porn is the pursuit of it.
This year, I want to lead a full life. I want to pry above impossible hedges before leaping onto them so I could bring them down. Hedges are for pussies and pretentious dickwarts.
I want to continue learning and discovering the world and myself. I want to be optimistic like Puteri. I want to enjoy literature like Lubna. I want to work hard like Suhail. I want to love like Auntie Tijah. I want to learn mandarin like Megat. I want to eat like Nael. I want to travel like Uncle Lan and Mama Ida. I want to cook like Jamie Oliver. I want to learn how to never give up like Ummi. I want to serve my country like Dr. M. I want to fight for Islam like prophet Muhammad. I want to grow up, grow old and grow wise. I want to be more than what I think I'm capable of.
But most of all, I want to be happy. Isn't that our one and only desire, to be happy?

Yesterday

Yesterday my friend suspected his girlfriend was cheating on him. He asked me for help. I helped. I drove him 50km to his girlfriend's house so he could catch her in her collegue's car. Tapi jalan jammed so she got back home first. When we reached Bangi, he talked to her for an hour. I'd to wait lah in the car like a patung kuil.
My friend and his girlfriends were together for two years until a 29 year old colleague came along and flirted with her. Now she wants to Solat Istiqarah which means, she already has two options.
Dang, Girls!
You see, most of my close friends are jiwang karat. They get in love, commit to being celibate until the promised day and get dumped on the spot when their sweethearts bumped into someone with a imported Korean car and an apartment at Bukit Antarabangsa. What these bitches don't know is these close friends of mine are future leaders of their trade. Well, bitches ARE colour blind.
My friend's maruah was clearly tampered with so he asked me for my advice. I told him to be a man. "Be a man! Do the right thing!"
"?"
"Do what you think is right for you."
I've to admit, I'm the last person to give advice about relationships. I had 6 girlfriends and I dumped all of them. The moment my ex-girlfriend jual mahal to get my attention by going out with other guys, I will make it a point to meet her to personally tell her "I don't think we're right for each other, sorry." Being the kind person that I am, I included a bonus smile too.
I broke up with my last girlfriend of three years because she joined a MLM company. She calls it financial freedom. I call it Skim Cepat Kaya, Mimpi Besar Hidup Merana.
I know. I'm choosy, whatever. Yeah, Karma kurma daging.
But after a year of singledom, I am lookin' again if you catch my drift. I'm dusting the binoculars if you know what I mean.
But I'm telling you, 1. I date with the presence of another friend. 2. I'm not working yet so I only go dutch. 3. I won't even touch your skin until we get married.
If you can deal with these 3 simple rules then marilah berdating!
Did I scare you now? Wink Wink.

Grief

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to love either
-Golda Meir


Dr. Shukri

"Hello Afiq?"
"Ye?"
"Dr. Shukri baru meninggal petang tadi."
"Okay, terima kasih sebab bagitau aku."

"Mamak, bawa sebotol cili sos!"
I continued eating a plate of kuey teow goreng mamak and soundly sipped a glass of iced milo. Maybe it's Dr. Shukri's birthday. Maybe that was his idea of a prank. It didn't sound right. I didn't sound like Syahiran was joking either. I paid the mamak and drove back to UIA like nothing happened.

"Hello Elin!"
"Haa, Afiq. Dr. Shukri dah meninggal kan? Dorang dah bagitau."

"Hello Soh, engkau dah dengar berita buruk tu?"
"Haah, dah."

"Hi Sue, have you heard?"
"Yaaa, I heard. I'm trying to contact Kuhaz now."

"Snap..." I kept my focus on the road. This stretch of MRR2 is known for its fatal accidents. "Snap!"

"Fuck."

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." I kept a safe distance from the car in front of me until a Tiara whizzed by and slotted itself into the 2 seconds safe zone. I opened my car screen and threw 20 cents coins at the Kiasu Tiara, all the while cursing like a nun gone nuts.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Astagfirullah...." I managed to cool down, brought my car to a hault at a nearby petrol station and cried. "But why him God? Why him?"
This went on for a whole hour until I came to my senses. "Innalillah... God, if you're listening, I didn't mean to throw coins at the Kelisa tadi. Please God please. Ease his pain. Please God Please. Ease his phase of death. Please God please. Give me hope."
Please God please
Please God please
Please God please
I arrived at KAED and anxiously ran to the office to get an official confirmation until I saw a dozen of students and lecturers praying at the main gallery. I dropped right there and then. I was gripped by grief to do anything else. I was too startled to even cry. I was in awe. In awe of the sudden realization of loss.
I was in awe of myself and how my body reacted to Dr. Shukri's death. This was all new to me. It felt like every ounce of blood in my body gushed towards my head, forcing every emotion to vacate my mind, leaving me feeling numb and empty.
I fainted for a good 5 minutes.
Sweat. Air conditioner. Shadows. Tikar. Stained windows. Clean tiled floor.
I woke up energized and surprisingly sober,drove back to my room and prayed. I slept early and woke up at 4 am to perform sunat prayers. My mind was vacant and at some point breezy. I felt a playful gust that swept away miscellaneous thoughts and put my grey matter to rest. I later learnt that that was one of many ways people grief. With silence.
I attended his burial the next day. After the solat jenazah, the Imam uncovered the piece of cloth that veiled Dr. Shukri's face. He looked peaceful and calm. I felt assured that his death was an smooth one.
He looked ready for his next journey. With my tears, I waved to him farewell. With my heart, I sing to him this poem by Rabindranath Tagore.
Farewell

I have got my leave. Bid me farewell, my brothers!

I bow to you all and take my departure.

Here I give back the keys of my door

---and I give up all claims to my house.

I only ask for last kind words from you.

We were neighbors for long,

but I received more than I could give.

Now the day has dawned

and the lamp that lit my dark corner is out.

A summons has come and I am ready for my journey

CSI VS FORENSIK

Crime scene:
Rays of rave blue light pours out of a distant window. Inside, a group of starlets with perfect bio-engineered boobs are pouncing about in their almost see-through night gowns. A brunette pours whisky all over her inviting cleavage. "Michelle, where's that light coming from?" She suddenly drops the heavy bottle, walks to the miror and sees three green lasers pointing at her C cup breasts. Bang bang bang!

CSI Las Vegas:


Catherine entered the crime scene in a nonchalant manner. A bloodied brunette lies on the paved walkway. A police inspector approached Catherine. "She was shot in her room and her friends carried her here to get help since the phone in the whole neighbourhood wasn't working." Catherine took a glance at the victim's body before she fetch for her equipments "Indian, 5'7", early twenties, part time model full time student." She looked at the police officer for confirmation. "Correct." The police officer answered, his face unamazed with Catherine's ability to guess the victim's stats.

Gil, the head CSI entered the crime scene after talking to a phone line repairman. Without even looking back, Catherine sensed Gil's presence. "Three gunshot wounds, shot with a GK-2005 sniper." Gil squated in front of the body to checked the victim's face. "Pretty girl. So how was your date last night Catherine?"

"It went well except for the fact that he was moving on to me too close too soon." Cathering wore her rubber glove and picked up a pair of tweezers. "Look," She carefully manouvered her tweezers to reach the back side of the victim's right ear and found a strand of blue thread that didn't match the victim's cloth or her friends' clothes. She then packed it into an sealable evidence pack. "I'm just not the kind of girl who falls in love at first sight."

"You should learn a thing or two from this girl Catherine." After examining the body for just 3 minutes, Gil stood up and looked at an abandoned house nearby. "By the looks of it, she was struck by love at first sight, from a distant too."

Who are you? Who-who-who-who?

(theme song entitled Who Are You by Pete Townshend)


Forensik Kuala Lumpur:

Sharifah Mastura got a call from balai. She rushed to her Proton Wira car, got inside and starts the engine. The engine starts. She left the Jaya Jusco parking lot and enters the highway. Camera shot from the car rear miror. Another angle from the side miror. And then from the the passenger seat. She finally arrived to the crime scene. She opened the door and got out without turning off the engine. She realized her mistake, got back to her car, stopped the engine, switched off the air-con and took a pack of Premier facial tissue paper to make it look like she purposely wants to her tissue slightly chilled.

Inspektor Sharifah Mastura struggled to get to the crime scene because the whole neighbourhood was crowding the crime scene to get a better look at the victim. Inspektor Mas asked a police inspector nearby. "Ni dah berapa lama mati ni?" Inspector Zam, the district chief officer who was one of the first policemen to arrive at the crime scene carressed his thick full moustache. "Dah lama mati nih puan."

After a brief spat with an indian bystander who accidentally stepped on his shiny black shoes, Lans Koperal Hamid enters the crime scene. "Sejuk ya malam ni, Inspektor Mas?" Caught off guard, Inspektor Mas stood up straight like a steel rod and gave her superior a Tabik Hormat "Ya tuan! Memang sejuk malam ni, tuan!"

Hamid put his hands on his back and asked Inspektor Zam a few important questions. "Ni dah berapa lama mati ni" "Dah lama tuan!"

"Cina ka Melayu?" "Hindu, tuan."

"Berapa umur?" "Saya tak pasti tuan, tapi saya rasa dia masih muda, tuan."

"Bagus Inspektor, kamu memang peka. Biar saya dan Inspektor Mas pula yang periksa mayat ini." Inspektor Zam gave his Tabik Hormat and exited the crime scene to give the recent update to reporters from Harian Metro and Kosmo!

Inspektor Mas put on her gloves and checked the body for gunshot wounds. After practically mangling the body to look for bullet entries, she reported her findings to Lans Koperal Hamid "Tiga das tembakan tuan. Dua di dada, satu di leher." Hamid looked pleased with her performance so far. "Buat pemeriksaan yang lebih menyeluruh pula."

"Baik tuan." Inspektor Mastura wore her gloves and went through the victim's body to look for her IC but only found a strand of blue thread at the back of the victim's right ear. "Ish!" She picked it up from the victim's ears and threw it away.
"Nampaknya..." Lans Koperal speaked up so all the policemen could hear him. "Kita ada kes bunuh."

Di wajah curiga~ Dan nada resah~ Dirasa berbeza~ Terima segala~

(theme song entitled Dedebu Cinta by Misha Omar)

To be continued....

Ada Apa Dengan Namaku Afiq Deen


I'm thankful that my parents named me Afiq Deen and not just Afiq. There are thousands, no, millions of Afiqs but there is only one Afiq Deen. Google/MSN/Yahoo search Afiq Deen and it will direct you to this blog or my facebook profile, which means there are no famous Afiq Deen yet that could possibly overshine my possibility of making it big with this name.

Am I suggesting that I will make it big?

Define big.

Haha.

Parents today are more creative when naming their kids. They will usually opt for eccentric names like Pierre Andre, Sofia Sarena, Juan Thomas, Mohd. Hyundai or Nurnokia. Those who are afraid that their kids will get teased in school will combine names and make longer ones like Sharlini Shasha Shaniawati or Herman Madius Ibrahim.

Dulu-dulu, parents named their kids simple commercial names like Abu, Ali, Nordin and Ahmad. So in a class there were usually three Abus, four Ali, two Nordin and a dozen Ahmads. Naturally, there were a lot of confusion when students call out names that are shared by a handful of eager students. To avoid embarassment, kids those days made up nick names that were related to each other's personality or background.

Nordin was a smart aleck who knows everything about anything under the sun. Today he is known as Nordin KajiLangit.

Mohammed owned a kapchai that emitted loud noises. Today his neighbours know him by the name Mat Trang-tang-tang even though he drives a Honda Civic.

Megat talks in incredible speed and spits too. Nama saya Megat. Megat Machinegun.

Ismail is a thin man who cringes his shoulders a lot.
"Ismail... Ala Ismail yang tinggal kat Pokok Sena tulah..."
"Ismail mana ni?"
"Mael Burung Sejuk"
"Oh ya ya ya.. "

Jamilah used to be a flirtatious schoolgirl and would date more than one guy at the same time. Today she is a religious teacher and recently went to perform her Hajj. Her old friends calls her Milah Sanggui.

Azim, Ahmad, Ali and Lokhman used to be overweight when they were in highschool. Today all of them are known as Bob.

When he was 13, Fahmi couldn't pronounce P properly. During the year end holiday, Fahmi and his friends went to the beach. Fahmi have never been to the beach before so when they arrived he got excited and shouted "Waaaaah!! Fantai!!!" That's how Fahmi Fantai got his nickname.

Sameon is a macho army personnel. He has a coarse voice and an even coarser skin but his favourite singer is Celine Dion. Yeah you guessed it right, his nickname is Meon Dion.

Yaakob used to be an anglophile potty mouth. Cursing is like humming to him. His favourite curse words was Son Of a Bitch. Now his friends calls him Akob Ass Owe Bee.