That's Why I Hate Birthdays

When Bapak gave me his old blazer, I cried violently with absolutely no expression on my face. My tears leaked from my tearduct uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what I was actually feeling to have triggered this burst of emotion.
I just realized that all my things are hand-me-downs or second-hands. I never had a problem with this but last night proved otherwise. "Don't be ungrateful Afiq, don't be selfish Afiq." I scolded myself. I guess I've been keeping this little emotion in a little box and locked it in a secret cupboard.
I hate bithdays.
Birthdays is the only day when you think of yourself and self-centredness is the root of misery. Happiness is selflessness in contributing and focusing thoughts and energy into something we feel passionate about.
That's why I hate birthdays.

Start of Something New

Next month I will be finishing my last sem in UIA. At the same time, I will also be looking for work or internship in KL. I'm currently looking for an available room that I can rent so I can move in next month.
This is all very new and daunting to me. It's a scary prospect but I have to do it. I don't have rich parents to sustain me until I can afford my own house. I don't want to live and work in my comfort zone because I want to grow, learn and master my craft. I believe that a pebble can only be polished when it is under pressure. I want to make it big. I want to be the best in what I do. And I want it so very bad that I'll do anything! (that's permissible in Islam)
Today is a good day to start an important phase in my life.
Today is the start of something new.
InsyaAllah.

My Birthday Wish


God forgive all my sins and my parents' sins.

God, Bapak is an honest and kind man. His honesty backfired countless times but he carried on with his life and tried his best to provide for us. He's a simple man. Happiness for him is to own a house with a post-colonial design with ample space for him to rear his chickens and plant his japanese roses. God oh God, please grant this simple request because he needs to believe that you were with him when he stood his ground and told the truth.

God, Umi is a strong woman. She's a fighter and she has been fighting all her life. God, God, God, she suffered so much already. Give her peace of mind and good judgement. Give her your eternal blessings. Give her your love and warmth.

God, I hope you keep your words and ease their life journey from here on.

God, Uncle Lan and Mama Ida looked after my brother like their own son so please grant them longevity so they can cycle around the world and be back just in time for their nephew's kenduri nikah. They comforted me with their kind words and support when I was emotionally hurt and for that, I pray to you that you comfort them with your blessings when they get hurt.

God, Makcik Nani and Uncle Amir looked after me when I was in Matriculation. They tended to my every needs with so much love as if I am their son. I am forever grateful with what they have done so please God, please grant them with your blessings.

God, Auntie Tijah and Uncle Lee fed me brown rice and macrobiotic food when I'm scrawny and malnourished. They compensated my dietary needs with their dinners, kenduris and macrobiotic carrot cakes. They assisted me financially when I'm broke so God, never ever broke their hearts unnecessarily.

God, Uncle Art and Auntie As inspired me to get a flashy red car when I get my first big pay cheque. So God, please extend your blessings to me so I can get me one of those flashy cars myself and show it off to them and not let them test drive it.

God, Tok Nab took care of me when I was smaller and cooked all my favourite dish. She shows her love with her cooking and everytime I visit her, I will be 10 kg heavier... with love of course. She shared to me her wisdom and gave me valuable advise. God, extend her long life so she could see me get married and have kids.

God, Mak Chaq have been so kind to me all her life. Almost everynight, she would unlock the door so I can get in the house in the middle of the night. I pray for her health and well being.

God, Auntie Da helped me out now and then and took me out for dinner so many times that I lost count. I hope she will make a political comeback after successfully getting her degree. God, introduce to her your kind of man, you know, a man that can take care of her and motivate her so she could reach the stars.

God, Uncle Bal recently had a new baby boy. Grant Anas the best of health so he can grow up to serve You the best way that he can.

God, Umi Yang is a free spirited hippy with a heart of gold. She is a resilient and adventurous person so give her courage when she is in need of it. She listened to all my problems so please God, listen to hers too. She gave me guidance so it is only fair that you give her guidance whenever she's lost.

God, Tok Nda is a very strong lady. She is the best. The best lah. She is the coolest grandmother a grandson can ever ask. Grant her long life and eternal happiness.

God, grant Hadi, Saiful, Putera, Nael, Arine, Hariz, Natalia, Fareez, Diyana, Nazreen and Sarah your blessings. My cousins are like my brothers and sisters so I would appreciate it if you give them sufficient guidance.
And to my friends! Extend your helping hands to them whenever they are in need.

God, I hope you grant all my birthday wishes.

Amin.

My Birthday: This Friday


This Friday, I will turn 22. This is my birthday wishlist:

1. I want good books with substance (novels)

2. I want cheese cake. I like cheese + I like cake =I love cheese cake.

3. I want people to not question my authority as the King of the Day.

4. I want a new keyboard because the keyboard I bought from a makcik from Puchong dah rosak and is unrepairable.

5. I want to not get angry when I realise that no one will bother getting what I want. Hahaha. Sedih tapi... Hahahaha. It happens every year but... Hahahaha.

6. I want to not get depressed and lock myself in my room because the key of happiness is selflessness.

7. Instead of waiting and anticipating for people to celebrate the existence of myself, I want to celebrate existence itself.

8. I want to start praying regularly and without fail.

9. I want to want to be better in everything. Everything.

Am I a Virgin?

Some stranger text me a question via sms "Hey Afiq, are you a virgin?"
You know what? I really don't know.
What are the things that can possibly make me not a virgin? If I received or performed oral, am I still a virgin? What about anal? I know it's haram but will it affect my virginity?
Is virginity even relevant for guys?
I beg of you, non-virgins and virgin experts, enlighten me!

Corntoz's Express Yourself

So many bloggers participated in this competition so I might as well do the same. 3oo Corntoz and 2 Fast 2 Corntoz are parody videos about two average joes who decided to enjoy their Corntoz in extreme situations.

Do I have shot of winning this competition? Seriously, I don't have the slightest clue because so many people are participating including famous bloggers like Kenny Sia and Cheesy.

Credits to my fellow actors: Hadi my younger brother, Nael my eldest cousin along with Natalia, Nisa and Nazreen.

Enjoy!



You can watch other submitted videos here and don't forget to vote for my videos.

I think it's funny but who am I judge my own work?

The Evolution of Blue


For most Malaysians, blue is a special word for pornographic videos. Kids, pornography is an enhanced display of how abah and mama make babies. Babies that grows up to become you and me. Blue is how we learn about sex because abah and mama is too ashamed to talk about it. Blue is the most easily available genre of film in the internet. Blue made Paris Hilton the heiress into Paris Hilton the celebrity. Oh yeah, blue is also a colour. And a boyband from England.

I watched my first blue when I was 11. A mosque bilal from TTDI showed me and some of my friends a few collection of blue and let us watch one of them. I hate to break it to you but I watched my first blue at a mosque. It wasn't my fault. I didn't know what sex was that time, there were no Astro yet. When the bilal let us watched Perawan Desa, I was excited and afraid at the same time. I was excited to know that my penis has another purpose other than peeing. I was afraid because the bilal and my two older friends whipped out their penises and shook em until they become dragon like mushrooms as if this is an automatic reaction when watching blue.

The older guys bragged about watching blue all the time to the younger ones and since I was the only kid who tagged along with the seniors to watch blue at Bilal's room (terima kasih, UPTS!), I was obligated to tell them what it was like. Being the capitalist and artist that I still am, I sketched lewd pictures and sold them for RM5 each. The whole Quran memorizing instution was in heat during that time and its students were hornier than Quran reading pointers. During isolated breaks, the senior would go upstairs and mass wank to a lingerie catalogue and the juniors would later marvel at the starcy white stains left on the bedsheets. Back then, jizz was up the hizzey! Some seniors even went so far as to demonstrate several masturbation techniques while watching blue at the Bilal's room.

Age: 13. Location: home. Newly installed: internet. Yowza! It was a point of no return. I downloaded blue like Sabahan cops collected bribes. I liked the thrill of smuggling blue from the internet. Will I get caught red handed? Will my mom suddenly barge into the room? It was one of the most thrilling adventures of my life, downloading blue. The excitement. The fear. The addiction. But weirdly enough, I don't really enjoy watching them. Miley Cyrus got it right, it IS the climb.

During matriculation at UIA, guys watched blue religiously like I watch Oprah. I didn;t join them because they were more interested in straight to the point action blues like brazzers, milf and bangbros (start your Ares engine running!) When I entered the main campus, blue is readily available for everyone if you get to know a good friend of ours, LAN the blue pimp. At this point, the whole attraction of getting blue dissipitated. There were no more thrills or danger of acquiring or getting blue. When tempted to get myself some of that honey, I asked myself "What's the point?"

Blue, with all its whims and wonders can be very addictive but fortunately I am immuned. I would become an addict if there is more variety in the selection of blue. I prefer blue that is well written. It has to have dramatic lighting, perfect cinematography and a good storyline. Not out of this world hentai-ish angels consumating with demon stories but more of a soap opera-ish Werner Herzog piece, peppered with Woody Allen's wit but with a Shyamalan twist. Okay, so there is no such blue yet but you can't count out the possibility that such a genre will soon become the latest must-watch like the literal Total Eclipse of the Heart video.