De-Malaying Myself

Let me guess, your parents are probably malay professionals whom scholars would call the New Malay initiated by Dr. M. Your parents were either moderate or hardcore Reformasi supporters during Anwar Ibrahim's dramatic drawback from politics. After a decade of political correctness contemplation, your parents are probably Dr. M's fans by now. Funny isn't it, how politics takes its toll.

We are either the children of the wannabe reformists or offsprings of loyal government servants who are reaping pension benefits from the government. No matter, we are the new generation of wannabe idealists who will be forever tainted with the clashing of cultures; the neo-colonial mindset or the born-again Muslim society. And of course the fusion of both that reeks of hypocrisy and deceit.

Most of my childhood years were spent in schools that boasts multiculturalism where we were taught to learn about yourself then about one another. The self-identifying aspect of the schooling system in good schools in Sabah were successful of grooming a new kind of Malaysian. We were no more Malays, Chinese, Kadazandusun, or Indians in school but could quickly switch back to our customs the second we step into our homes. Simply said, our opinion on good looks differs greatly from the pan-asian adoration phenomenon in Semenanjung.

Life in KL is different though. No no no, I won't deny it, the new generation of Malaysians from all over Malaysia brought together my KL's economic lasso are showing hints of disunity, much to the amazement of the Klang Valley folks.

KL have always been a couldron of racims since independance, caused by our politicians' economic manuevering. And it is proven once again, when HINDRAF took the centre stage of undermining racial integrity, that KL is once again a hotspot for racial intolerance.

A few days before Hari Raya Korban, most of you might have received the sms that starts with Allahuakabar followed by instructions to go and get you parang ready... for Hari Raya Korban. It was a cruel joke, I have to admit and I was laughing my hearts out when I figured out it was a seasonal prank sms. But for the first 5 seconds of reading the sms before the joke is out, my heart was thumping with fear and in that 5 seconds I thought to myself.. I better stick to my own kind if I know what's good for me. After the laughter wore off, I felt sick to the stomach, truth is, I actually felt a deep hatred conjured by the phrase Allahuakbar and Parang. For an ex-sabahan student who'd grew up in a multicultural community, I was actually slightly racist myself! Just 3 years in KL and I was slowly but surely brainwashed by my malay mates way of thinking!

So this is the beginning of De-Malaying Myself. De-Malaying Myself is not about erasing the malay culture out of me but to identify the traits that had made me assimilate myself with racial confrontations. Yes I geddit... there are more racist chinese and indians compared to the dimunitive minority of malay hooliganism but the malays have always been the pioneer of social development and has the influence to urge other races to follow their league. Like how we urge the government to strip off the Kings' immunity because of their constant greed and misbehavior. If we did it once, we're sure to do it again. But this time, Malaysians of other races are no more audience of this evolution as they are a part of it. All of us have to De-Malay, De-Chinese, De-Indian or De-Lainlain in our own pace. We can all start by regularly conversing it at least two languages.

In a few years, we can even share jokes.

Cool innit?

De-Malaying Myself

If you're a reader of this blog and had tolerated my so-called freedom of blogging expression, your parents are probably the New Malay breed initiated by Dr Mahathir when he first became Prime Minister. And most of your parents, (I'm psychic you see) were either moderate or hardcore Reformasi supporters who'd thought Dr. Mahathir is a dictator for sacking Anwar Ibrahim in a despicable manner. And now your parents probably tracked back their political correctness and had finally realized that Dr. Mahathir is actually their hero.

And you, yes you are the offsprings of those parents, idealist teenagers who has a painstaking tendency to to adopt anglophilia or WOG (western oriented gentleman) as your primary mindset. You may have adopted western views on affection and verbal openness but mind you, we're still very malay, one way or another.

Even though my decision to enrol in a private school is still a subject of dispute to some family members because I didn't want to be in the Mara system (which was much more cheaper) I never actually regretted my uncomprimising stubborness because I'd realized today that immensing myself with multiculturalism had served me a spectrum of positive outcomes and gained myself a circle of loyal friends. If I were to follow whatever that comes in my way and got accepted in MRSM, I don't think I would ever be tempted to ever think outside the neo-colonial box.

But still I have to scrap off the tinsy bit of negative malay paranoia that lingers in my attitude and thinking, since I'm living on my own in KL, KL, KL, where the ugliness of racism often rear its head over troubled water. Everything that has anything with racism exploded here; 13th May 69, Hindraf and a few more upcoming riots and it never failed to hint all Malaysians that it is best to stick to your own kind if you know what's good for you. This is not Sabah, KL is never KK. Kota Kinabalu has the most tolerant society in Malaysia and even though this positive pecularity is never boasted through out the nation, every KK-lites would counter attack racist remarks with a simple

De-Malaying Myself

Chalk Art

Enuf tok.

Dang, this guy's works are so effin' amazing. It's chalk art by Julian Beever.

He even drew himself! Coolness.

The three dimensional effect can only be seen when pedestrians are heading the art work at a certain angle. In a plan view, the art works are elongated to achieve the 3-D appearance.

Reaching Out

I've received many e-mails by confused muslim guys and had answered their enquiries about being bicurious, homosexual or bisexual but this guy's confession is just so pure and honest that I have to make it public so others may learn about how to confront themselves in unexpected scenarios.

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An e-mail by Asd,

assalamualaikum and hello afiq deen. you may not know me (i prefer not to disclose my identity), but i really really wanna share my problems with you if you have the time. pls pls do not close this email yet because i feel that ur the only one who can understand me. just so you know that i am 16(PTS student), malay muslim, and i am waiting for my spm results. and ive been schooling at MRSM these past few years..

ive read several entries on ur blog and i found a few to be quite enlightening.. you see my problem is that im afraid that i may have interest in guys. ive gone to a rough childhood since i come from a broken family. i didnt sort of have any guidance since my father wasnt always there for us.

anyway, as youve stated, as all teenagers behave, im afraid that when my hormones were raging, ive come across the dangerous thoughts of anal sex. i kept surfing the net for porn till i stumble upon gay porn. and i couldnt resist myself. i tried really hard but to no avail. it has always spark interest in me. i was never caught before like u did so nobody actually stopped me from doing it. and as i watched more and more my lust really had control over my body. i was really really sad at times that i felt i didnt deserve to live in this world. because people all around me have such high hopes in me since ive performed excellently in academics.. what if they found out?my whole life would have been destroyed right in front of my very eyes...

living in MRSM didnt help me much either. in the dorm full of boys, my eyes simply couldnt avoid making contact with them..sometimes i would try and fondle them during their sleep...i know.. sick right?but im afraid thats why my lust have really taken control of my mind...sometimes i would even steal their underwear.. and a wave of guilt would simple surge over my whole body..but then one day i got caught in the middle of the night..that guy sort of woke up and i was shocked. really really shocked that i thought i might fainted.. luckily he didnt beat me up but he did call some other people.. and this guy was no guy.. he was one of the otai in the maktab. i was freaking scared that night that i couldnt sleep till the next day.. they said that they have heard rumors about me..and they wanted me to stop..i cried in front of them.. apologizing for the 1000th time.. saying that i couldnt control myself.. they were really close on reporting it to the warden but i begged them not too...u can imagine how frightened i was... i just couldnt face them anymore.. i was embarassed to death i can only pray that they didnt tell anyone else...

after that i sort of got myself back together, i prayed to God over and over again, wishing that he would guide me back to the right path. by the way, i did all of Islam obligations, though not as perfect as the rest, but i never missed solat fardhu before.. and i read the Al-Quran every single day after maghrib...i managed to find calmness in myself as i befriended all those religious people.. but it wasnt long before my old habits came back...

you see, living in asrama, i was considered as a jambu, partly because i was younger than most of them and i was small-sized.. (though i beg to differ).. but anyway, i became really close to this classmate of mine.. he was almost like a brother to me.. we shared problems.. and talk and laugh..he was sort of the abang angkat for me.. and people in the school knows.. because i was with him everywhere we'd go..i studied with him, waited for him to come down to prep.. and stayed up with him.. he even talked about his innermost secrets with me, like about when he had a wet dream (and he is straight for sure)..and my worst nightmare came when i realized that i was obsessed with this guy..i would wait for him to call me (my mrsm permits the students to bring phone to school).. and msg me..and everytime i was with him i felt really safe and secured.. people dare not critizise me anymore because they knew i was close to this guy (he was one of the otai in the school also).. and he would always protect me if somebody was disturbing me..and this guy.. he has a girlfriend.. whom i knew well and i helped him to get her.. and i became really jealous of her when he always hang out with her..i even tried to break them up but of cos it didnt work out..

however, he didnt know about my interests, and thought of me as his lil brother only, not more than that..i was really scared at that moment because SPM was so near..i tried to distance myself from him but i just couldnt.. i was afraid that he will know the truth..and i couldnt risk losing him.. when he was the only one i could talk to..i never talked about my interests because i know how he hates gay people. he once said that these people are laknat Allah.. from that moment onwards i knew i had to get away from him..

i cried for days alone..i just couldnt be friends with anyone else anymore because i was so afraid that they will know the truth..but i mustered up the courage and act like nothings happen.. and along the process in MRSM, ive gained some truly great friends..and the fact that they were so kind to me that i couldnt risk letting people know about me...

but somehow, as ive stated before, i was really excellent in my academics. i got a pointer of 4.00 for 2 semesters (thats quite a tough achievement) and even got best student for certain subjects...all the juniors looked up to me...teachers were all expecting me to get straight A1s for SPM.. i also became champion of a few inter-mrsm competition..

but you know what? i felt that i didnt deserve most of the awards..as ive sinned, and sinned a lot to Allah..i began to think that it is istidraj from Allah s.w.t.. its Allah's way to test His servants who have committed sins by awarding him with nikmat on earth.. i was really scared at that point.. i kept thinking that Allah is giving me another chance.. so i reverted back to the Al-Quran, i tried to find answers...but i just couldnt..more and more awards bombarded me.. but i was never riak of it.. i kept a low profile..but as ive stated before.. i was scared that it was all istidraj from Allah...and im starting to type this in tears..do you have any idea how scared i am??

after i left mrsm..i became more uncontrolled.. because i wasnt watched by my friends.. and living in KL does not help much either..ive comitted a lot of sins right after spm till now.. im really really scared.. that Allah would punish me.. that i would not be successful in my SPM... but alhamdullillah i managed to do my SPM quite okay back then..but i still do not know my results.. He is Almighty.. He can do anything...please.. i really need your help..i dont know what am i going to do now.. everything is a blur.. i do not want to lead my life like this.. i want to go back to the right path...please i beg you, afiq, to help me with me problems.. as i feel that ur the only one who really understands my situation... thank you and assalamualaikum.. pls take your time in replying.. i know ur very busy and i do not want to disturb you...you can just call me N .. may Allah bless you..

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Well I can truly relate with your problem because I too was young and jambu and have a weird inclination towards guys (well some guys..)

You may not want to blame it on your childhood but trust me man, part of your problem comes from your parents' divorce. My parents may not approve of this but having no father figure when going through my teenage years were both distressing and depressing. There were times when I surfed gay websites, got caught and had to beg for forgiveness from my mother. Single mothers are often too busy to be sensitive as they should and often result to tough love to compensate the absence of a father figure. By doing so, they are actually implying a certain message "You are suppose to be this or that way so be a man or get out of the house."

Your biggest fear is everybody knowing your sexual orientation. You shouldn't be afraid of the knowledge of people knowing you're gay. Be afraid of God and then be afraid of yourself and what you're capable of. Only by aknowledging your problem will you be able to confront it. Tell yourself "I'm Gay." and progress to "I'm a Muslim" and later "I will become a better Muslim."

The guy crush you experienced is a manifestation of a missing link in your life. It is all to common for people like us to have crush on people that embodies a certain value that fills a void in our hearts. My crush on Haikal was because I had no one with a acute sensitivity to listen to my problems without wanting to solve it like a mechanic. (mothers usually does this) The heart is not a machine. The problem do not have a beginning nor an ending. It evolves or dissolves into something else, be it a positive or a negative manifestation. You didn't have anyone strong to imply a sense of security in your vulnerable years like a proper father so you cling to a friend that embodies such personality. Think to yourself "Do I really need someone to protect me now? Can I protect myself?" If the answer is Yes, find out whether you like him as a loyal friend or because he feeds your ego or inferiority case? If you still can find reasons to be a good friend of his, continue your friendship. If not, let him go and if he still insists to be your friend, hey man, that's a true friend right there.

Real friends are people who accepts your flaws and will help you to manage them. Friends who encourage your habits are traitors who will lead you to your own destruction.

Allah gives you challenges because he still loves you. Do you know those rich buggers who never gives a shit about everyone else and still lead a happy luxurious life? Allah still gives them problems so they can have a chance to reflect and purify their otherwise black life. Allah loves all of us and we can only achieve happiness by making Him happy.

Since you're already out of MRSM, join a club, an affliation or even a sport association so you can be surrounded by activities that will fill the absence of homosexual thoughts. Like I said, problems has no beginning nor ending. When you feel a rush of lust, get hold of yourself and fill the void with fun activities of hobbies. My personal favourite is making gifts and crafts. Find yours. Soon your homoerotic thoughts will still reside in your mind but will serve a certain function. I found out that mine could make me more creative when designing because I appreciate a larger perspective of beauty.

I hope my take on things will help you in discovering and managing yourself. It's not wrong to love men. It's only wrong when you have sex with them. Haven't you heard of guy love? Allah made all of us different in so many ways by throwing in unusual situations and circumstances so we could embrace it and turn it into something positive.

Let's Compare & Contrast

Dr. Chua Soi Lek resigned his post as the Health Minister because he found out that the public is disgraced by his sex scandal. He did so out of moral obligation as he took responsibility for his actions. He deserves a royal high five for his bravery in admitting he's the man on the DVD. He took the bullet. He accepted the consequences for his wrongdoings, even though the sex scandal was taken advantage by his political rivals.

Well have you seen the video though? I'd seen it and well, what he did with his girlfriend is really standard sex. I thought there were some acrobatic stunts... Heheh.

And there was the Datuk Z case, the MP who built his mansion without permit, along with his sons' satay restaurant. On the first day of questioning, he went to Istana wearing golden baju melayu and Gucci shades, didn't stop for photographers and smirked an -apa tengok-tengok- expression.

When his case was widely publisized and shown on TV, he changed tactics and cried in front of media personnels in a smaller house. He wore peasant looking cream shirt and a cheap working class glasses. Now that's a first class douchebag right there.

He eventually completed the construction of his house and even invited orphans to berbuka puasa at his mansion. He tried to impose a apologizing gesture when he did his little feast but for me, it was even more despicable than faking a breakdown. Like Dr. Chua, he was busted but why didn't he resign his post?

I rest my case. It's embarassing to see how a non-muslim own up to his mistakes and accept the following consequences so much dignity. It's even more embarassing to see a muslim leader who never miss a prayer to dodge the bullet by... crying on TV.

Tsk.

Sukacita-shop.blogspot.com

I am 20.. Still a virgin. 20 and virginal (is there such a word)... I promised myself to not have SEX before marriage so what to do lah right? Sabarrrr~~~~

Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek resigned because of a sex tape of him and his mistress/girlfriend/porcupine. I think he's doing the right thing because the majority has spoken. They don't like their Health Minister involved in a healthy activity we call SEX. I like SEX. Why, I love SEX. SEX is good. SEX is healthy. Health Ministers should be doing healthy activities.

If UMNO ministers is caught having SEX with other women, will they resign too? In that case, instead of marching and rallying and voting to get ministers off their department, why not hire a private investigator to follow them around and trick them to have SEX with people other than their wives, video tape it and sell it at Uptown. And to spice things up, throw in a ridiculously beautiful tranvestite and an orgy of Hindraf supporters.

Dr Chua describes some Malaysians to have an Holier-than-thou attitude. True enough, we Malaysians are very holier-than-thou. Drug your father with Veritaserum (Harry Potter fans should know) and ask this question:

Have you ever cheated on Mak?

Most fathers will answer:

Pernah.

And yet you'll see your fathers fuming at the breakfast table. "He should resign!" They would smack a fly with their roll of newspaper and sip a cup of coffee your mom made with the same lips that accidentally attached itself to another woman's last night.

The public decision to shove him off his position was based on Moral Value. And Hypocrisy.

The thing about prejudism is if you practice it, you'll have to endure it.

And since we're on the subject of SEX, I am indeed in need of it. I'm 20 and horny. The only problem is I need at least 20 thousand to get married. Now THAT's the root of Zina. No no no, not porn or clubbing but ass-wipe future in-laws who would only let their daughters up when they get their hands on enough money to buy them a Proton Persona.

Yes yes, apparently me showing more of my skin has a cosmic effect on my blog rating. FYI, I've already officially launch Sukacita-shop.blogspot.com.

It'll be simplified to Sukacita-shop.com in a few months if my pilot Blog Shop is successful. What are you waiting for guys, buy a card and make me rich. Muahahaha.